I sent regrets to sil and a thank you for including me. I let h know that he needs to plan with the boys if he'll be bringing them.
I had a lovely new year's eve with my new friend and her family. This morning we spent 2.5 hrs at the gym, cycle, yoga, hot tub. Good start to the year!
H texted to ask if he could bring dinner over tonight so i said yes and i told the kids so they'd b home. He just left. It was positive. He doesnt share much of himself but he was interested in talking about my client that terminated me and offered ideas to get retribution (entertaining but not something i'm interested in). I got going on a few topics about incidents that were intolerable with this client and he listened.
We talked about what s15 will drive. H said maybe he'd give the old car h drives to s. i asked him to include s in at least evaluating what options there are. He's practically an adult and resents being told what he will do like he has no opinion or say. I said i didnt know how we'd even afford owning it unless s gets a job. I let h know my net worth went down over $6k in the last year. I pulled out my binder to verify the number for him.
He also mentioned wanting us all to go somewhere using his airline miles before they expire. He'd like to go to CA to stay with his moms siblings and his brother. I said i thought the kids would really like that. We talked about timing, during summer when school's out. I do not know if i would go on that trip, it seems hard, it is the trip we did back when we were dating and his relatives rolled out the red carpet. I don't know what my role is or how i feel about it all, but it doesnt need to be figured out right now. I sure wish i could travel, but i dont wish i could stay with h's relatives and be around him in this new scenario. I will think about it later.
H asked if s13 still goes to scouts on thursdays and if that is a better day to bring dinner. Sounds like he might be thinking about planning...very surprising.
All in all, h was on good behavior. He wasnt rude or mean. He is trying to spend time with us. He tried to give s15 some sweatpants but they werent the kind s15 would wear. S13 only came down for a minute and left again because he doesnt like the kind of food h brought. Teenagers really test your love.
Ah, but at the end, from the outside of the front door, he called in, "don't forget to lock the door"! I silently rolled my eyes as i was actually in the process of locking the door. Ah well what're ya gonna do? He is how he is. Mostly he is an ok guy.
Not that there is any indication that hes wanting to be anything but a decent X...i do feel walls up and some discomfort when he is tolerable, because i feel like i need to protect myself from getting involved with him and becoming abused and put down again, i feel vulnerable and question my ability to reject abuse. So far im doing ok but these are new skills needing to be built through application.
I'm left feeling a little bit of turmoil so i'm going out for a walk.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hey Ad, glad you had a good start. The gym and friends sounds very enjoyable.
The "family" trip to CA does sound odd.I can understand not wanting to go. I know you'll make the choice that is best for you. I just know for me, being a cordial X will be different than taking a trip together.
For what its worth, I don't think those walls are such a bad thing. Maybe they're just you listening to your experience and learning. You've set boundaries for how you're willing to be treated. It sounds like he respected those boundaries today. That's good.
Hope you enjoyed your walk.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I called my sister on my walk. It was a good walk. My sister is very needy and calls with her are wearing but i like keeping the relationship going. She said, about h's visit and his suggestions, aw he does love you, do you think he's trying to get back together? Ugh.
No i dont think it means anything other than he's trying to be friends, and i'm not in a place yet to be comfortable there.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Yeah, family means well but it seems they often don't understand or know what to say. Good that you can keep it all in perspective. But its also understandable to be a bit exhausted having to be the "mature one" (for lack of a better phrase) in all the conversations when it would be nice if family could just listen and support.
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
Sounds like you have some experience with being the mature one too, ces, huh?
GM you're right. I will try to take positives as positives and not fret about what they mean or what he thinks I think they mean or what other people think they mean, or trying to protect myself in the event they do mean what I think they don't mean. That's what's exhausting. I need to get out my "whatevs."
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Boo, after a nice reprieve, the drug wars are back on. I got an earful from S15's friend's mom who was sending her H through snow and ice to collect there son, who was with mine at at house my son had my permission to be at but her son is forbidden to be at and so he lied to them.
When they got him home they drug tested him and found him positive for pot. Not a big surprise.
I for one thing really hate getting these phone calls where the woman is screaming at me through the phone so I have to hold it away from my head. And if I don't summon the same level of outrage she wants to know why not. Maybe it's because she's bugging the cr*p out of me.
This last year before the kids can get jobs is very challenging. They need things to do, and they need supervision. I am, again, really bummed that I'm losing my nice flexible part time job, because I will be one of those moms who is just plain not home after school. Like this other kid's mom.
I'm so bummed that my son chooses friends that are into drinking and smoking weed, that he doesn't see what that's doing to his own prospects, that he doesn't think they're punks and losers. They're cool.
So his friend is apparently grounded till the end of high school and no phone and nobody better try to see him. She talks about shipping him out to Colorado. She screams in my ear.
I know she's in pain and upset and frustrated. I talked to S15 about how much I really dislike getting screamed at by his friend's mom, listening to the bad influence she thinks he is, watching him make decisions that hurt his future prospects and his relationships. I really dislike his friend's lying and sneaking, and thinking his parents are stupid enough to believe he was over at the grocery store for six hours after school.
Where's my happy place again?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oh and if you're about to tell me that your 15 year old keeps himself busy on mission trips and community volunteer activities, please don't, I'm not in the mood right now. (from experience)
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
S15 wandered up to the kitchen for a bit. I talked to him some more. Better get to bed. No school tomorrow.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Why the hell would she ship her son here? Has she not seen the national news over the past few days? Since weed is now legal here, the news is portraying us all as stoners. My XH came over last night and drank some wine with me while waiting for our D19 to come home from work. We were both appalled at the demographics shown to the world. Now we're gun toting stoners... Granted, more than half the buyers were from out of state, but... It's still illegal to buy under the age of 21.
Hopefully your son had something enlightening to tell you?
I'm amazed all of you are back in school anyway. We don't go back until Monday. Just in time for a storm to hit here. Then again, school is not cancelled all that often here for snow.
Good luck!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
