NYE was good. W went to bed at 11 or so, she has been fighting a cold or something. The boys, S1's GF and I had our own little quiet celebration down in the man cave. It was fun and fulfilling.
Another shift in me seems to have occurred, a further settling in of some things...
I feel good. I feel like I am coming into my own power. Power not of the ego, but from somewhere else, deeper inside. I can love. I can let go. I have preferences, of course, but I will give my best to either.
I am free.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
It was a great NYE, T2. And I'm not sure what I'll do if my life gets that much better. I may have to get somebody else to enjoy it with me if that happens
I like that last line. "I am free" You are free without having to get divorced. Without leaving. Without going anywhere but inside yourself. I find that very inspirational and admirable, T2.
Not everyone could have done that.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Just regular old living my life, taking care of my sons, doing the needfuls that life tosses us. W is there, slowly rejoining.
I think she may be tossing a test or two at me. For example, I had to take s3 to a neurologist, W had made the appt but then wanted me to deal with it. I said "sure, I got this, no problem. It would be good if you were there too so we both get the same info, but if you can't get off work, no big deal" with a grin.
And she showed up. I think she was testing me, but I could be wrong, and, doesn't really matter, because I would have done the same as a single dad. Poor guy has to have an MRI...of course he is totally psyched to do it, can't wait to see his brain...that's my genes right there!
And a couple times she had not communicated running late at work or shopping after work. When she came home she was very apologetic, and she has been, and says she is, rather "spacey". This isn't really much different than her pre-mlc behavior, to be honest. It didn't bother me then, that was just her sometimes. Of course mlc had changed that for me, but I am getting back to pre-mlc "non-paranoid" about it...if that makes sense.
Pre-mlc it was blind trust in her and our R. Now it is that I trust myself, that I will "feel" something amiss, and be able to handle it, and trust that the truth will find a way to make itself known if she fails. And I will be okay if she does. I can let her go. Still don't want to, still think I probably won't have to, but I can.
She is opening up a bit more in cycles...about what is up with her, her work.
She called me from work yesterday, full of compliments about how I have been handling things, dealing with the boys, cooking, cleaning etc...gee, almost like db-ing, lol, lotsa validation...It's like she is slowly returning to the reality at hand in front of her. It's funny that she came into the MBR before leaving for work (rarely has done this since she moved to the couch over a year ago) to tell me that stuff, but decided to call me from work instead ...guess my morning hair was too scary...
But she knows I am not a morning person...shouldn't hit me with anything until I am on my second cup of coffee, preferably my third.
I did a wee bit of pursuing...W posts in her fb status she's sad about her never-ending acne..Raine suggested I post the Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" video as just a comment, no words, she never said anything, but it is still there...and trust me, W knows how to delete stuff on fb very well.
Other than that I don't respond too much to stuff she posts there, lots of those pithy self-help and motivation things and pics...I just "like" the stuff I truly like from time to time. Letting her get it out, and she IS including me now, not like before so....idk, whatever...its all good, no worries.
OH! W texted me happy birthday (first acknowledgement since 2011). I did have a bday, last year of my 40's.
And her clothes have joined the rest of ours in the dirty clothes sorter hamper (yes, I have a sorter hamper)...her undies were touching mine...lmao! Just something that made me laugh when I saw it...I laugh so easily now.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Some clarification...reading above makes me think I wasn't clear and left out some stuff...I'm tired.
About addressing all this mlc, replay and stuff with W....
I do think this will need to be talked about to some extent in the future.
Someday...yes. But I do want to see what actually needs addressing, as I have found with myself, what I "needed" to know say 10 months ago, is a lot more, and a lot different, than what I "need" to know now. Hope that made sense.
Why dig up unnecessary graves? I want to wait, get some good solid positives going, get on firm ground, both her, and us. Then see what I need or want to know. Pretty much SBT, right? Well, that's my interpretation...
And see what she will need to say, and she will, if more than 42% of her old core self returns.
She has apologized, twice, already since spring 2012.
She's fragile right now, I see the guilt, the remorse, for what she has done to the family, the lost time...I see it, hear it woven into her words, though she doesnt express it directly usually. I feel it.
We did have a really strong unsaid "connection" to each other. Mine to her is still there.
The lying, sneaking, concern for her safety and the quality of "men" who would have an affair with a M woman in crisis are my issues, and the loss of feelings for me...not the actual sex part...I am very open-minded there. And infidelity is old as humans, it's not a good thing, but it is there, always has been.
Kinda like RL was more mad about the "intimacy with RT" than, as she said, his dick in her...
(lol, RL DOES crack me up, I hope I'm like that in my 60's!!)
Basically, I am not concerned about getting more apologies, amends, etc, now or in the very near future. I want to wait and see what comes naturally, is offered up, and where I am...then address what needs to be addressed then.
That is where I am, I have learned to be patient, that answers and such will come, they always do. I can wait.
I have my own rough limits and deadlines for waiting, what I need to see. I think it was Starsky (not sure) who posted a long time ago, that he understood it would take time, 6-18 months maybe, but what he needed to see was "trying", his W trying. That was key.
I see W trying.
Hope that is clearer than mud... lol!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Basically, I am not concerned about getting more apologies, amends, etc, now or in the very near future. I want to wait and see what comes naturally, is offered up, and where I am...then address what needs to be addressed then.
T,
It seems contradictory to me. You state that you're 'not concerned' while in the same breath you're waiting for it to come. This made me go "hmmmmm....I think T has some unspoken expectation going on here." Am I warm here?
