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[Ambivalent]

Spoke with both P's today. Mother came out , had lunch and put the retainer on her cc. They won't get to it until next W. or Th. This allows me access to the account for at least another week. I'll be stocking up on needfuls until then.

My dad is sending another check, for Jan. I have just gone from the frying pan to the fire.

I have asked the propane co. to let me know what the average usage has been for the property, so I can go on a flex plan. Every time the tank goes dry, it is 90 to reset everything. I can't believe this is the pattern he's been doing.

I'll be changing that if I stay here. If I can fill the tank and then keep it topped off, I can bring the cost to hopefully only 250. a month.

I'm going to figure the rest of the utilities will be less per month. My goal is to get them under 1,000. If I add one roomie, I should be able to offset some.

I have my schedule for school, and goals for the month to get me to my licensure.

If I don't get too emotionally sidetracked, I should pass my practical exam, then the boards. I'm expecting to be either barraged by bullying from H. or complete radio silence. Both make me very uncomfortable.

I don't want this, didn't want this, yet here I am. I don't want to file for divorce, but if he stays in the state his is now, I may be forced to do this too.

This whole situation is lose lose . I have no problem being separated forever, but If I can't establish credit I'm not going to be able to rise up from the ashes I find myself presently.

I know I won't marry again, for several reasons.

One is trust. It has been obliterated. This was just the last straw to my trust issues.

Two, I'm never having anymore children and I cannot collect support if I remarry.

At 53, probably 55 when all is done, the risk is too high. Unless I meet a multi millionaire and he is generous in a pre-nup, which we know the probability is zero to none, the risk is way too high.

If I were my husband, I wouldn't remarry. He too doesn't want anymore kids and he doesn't need to . He can get all the milk from cows these days without a purchase. The risk for failure is greater this time around, but he probably thinks it's me now, and not him anymore.

Not my concern. I don't know where this will end, and I'm sure not going to do anything more to exacerbate anything.

I was going to return the books he gave as "gifts", but not now. I have been learning some things. How did I find myself here? I know now, but heck of a lot of good it's doing me now.