wife moved to.parents house last week scared

[paul19510]

thanks love! I really appreciate your kind words. I have another question. My W rarely comes into the house now. She summons the kids to the driveway from her phone. its odd to me.

Today she was supposed to pick up out S12 for an overnight. he did not answer his cell so W had D13 who was with her at the time call the home phone. I answered. She told me she was trying to reach S 12. I said I was on a call ( I work from home) and to just come inside and find him somewhere upstairs as I was in my basement office on a call. She sent our D13 in to find him. I called her back a few minutes later and asked why she wouldn't come in. I think that was kind of strange. She's been doing it for a couple of weeks now.

She said it was no big deal and she just didn't have time to. She had stopped over a neighbors house while S12 got ready to go.

I know she comes in sometimes, because she came in to retrieve some items from her closet while I was at S12's hockey tournament 100 miles away on Saturday. I had told her I would not be here due to the distance and just in case the 2 other kids that were still home D13 and D16 needed anything. Why do you think she does that? does it mean something more "final"?

I just politely reminded her that this is our home and she should come in for things like this....

[paul19510]

the interesting thing in all of this is that I had given up hope too. I had consulted a L. I had considered moving. After re-reading the DB series, I decided to try. Part of me wishes I had just kept sailing. this is painful.

[paul19510]

I saw my W today. She dropped our D 13 off at the house and then continued to our barn for morning chores. We've been essential contact only for a few weeks now. I decided to try something and take a leap of faith. I went to Dunkin Doughnuts and bought us two coffees and quietly met her at the barn. I picked up a pitchfork and started working on Stalls with her after asking if she minded a hand with chores. She appreciated the coffee and the help.

It was somewhat quiet and we just did chores and listened to the radio. We also talked and laughed a little. I stayed upbeat and didn't discuss sitch.

Sad to see she seems lost, but I can't fix that. I just decided I'd like to visit with her and be upbeat. I don't consider this a backslide (maybe others do). I did give her a hug and wished her a happy new year. she held on tight. Somehow that helped me also see that its not all about me and its not all about some OM. she's just depressed and jacked up and she needs time to figure that out.

She said she really need to "find herself'. More WAS scripting. I told her it I felt it took courage to change her life around like this and move away from home and that I could see she was in pain and that this was important to her.

I told her I enjoyed the visit. Said I believed in her and excused myself for the day.

well see how it goes....

[juliegayle]

Sounds like a positive new year moment. Not at all a backslide if you truly have no expectations.
Happy New Year!

[paul19510]

thanks Julie! It just felt like the right thin to do, so I went for it

[labug]

Paul, Rick1963, who still posts in Surviving the Big D, had a wife who became very involved in the horse world.

His old posts are here http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=4

[paul19510]

yes. its like any other addiction. I don't mind moderation. I even have participated and helped. but it has become the sole purpose an drive behind her life. she also uses it to escape feeling bad.

[paul19510]

so, I have a thing that's bugging me. my D13 has chosen to spend a majority of the overnights with W since separation. Since my W works a block from her school, she drives her down to the house in the AM and my D gets cleaned up and ready for school at home. then after school she gets off the bus here and returns to my In laws for the evenings with my W. My in laws live 20 miles from me.

Tonight we are having a storm (I live outside Philadelphia). So I texted the W the following after she picked up my D13: "Since the weather is bad and you have Lauren again tonight, please let me know where you are staying and that you are safe. Thanks" she replied, we are staying at(L's) Neighbor's for the night.

That is the horse farm across the street from me. We were friends. when things got rough, W went there and vented to the Mrs. I know I vented to the Mr. over the years and my wife vented to the Mrs. When weather is bad or they are out of town, my wife stays there. The neighbor's W emailed me to say she wasn't taking sides but, my W needed her help and was in pain and since they are BFF's with horses she may stay whenever she wants. any my daughter goes too.

I have a feeling of frustration and I just need to work thru it I guess. I feel like they are actively participating in the breakup of my family. over they years they have come to us with their issues too. But we never gave them a place to stay away from each other.

I don't feel that way about my in laws. So why that way about the neighbor? also I live in a state where kids can choose at this age which parent they'd like to stay with. its not mandated. I believe that my D feels the W needs her and she understands that I will just be there for her without condition. So, I guess I shouldn't feel sore about it...but just a "kneejerk reaction" sometimes I do. I don't express it to my D. its not her fault. But, I'm not happy with the W for doing it.

am I rambling? LOL

[Rick1963]

Paul, I don't know your whole stich. I can tell u that when my exw got involved with her horses in 2009 my life changed. She abandoned everything and everyone in her life including our daughter. My exw makes a lot of money, she is actually a well known writer and illustrator. Chances are that many of everyone's kids here read or saw her drawings and books. I do ok and paid almost 90% of the bills. But I didn't earn much compared to her. I remember when she got into the horse that the UPS truck was at my house every other day delivering horse stuff. I didn't mind either. I actually was very happy for her. It was my idea that she go and by a horse. She did, a very expensive one. The horse world is a very strong community and hard to compete with. My exw is a children book illustrator and many at the barn are children. In looking back she reminds me of Michael Jackson. U know "I gave them milk and cookies".

Focus on you. I know u are new here and probably having a hard time focusing. I remember those days. It will get better. Different but better.

[lovethehub]

I understand why it is upsetting and makes you feel as if they are taking sides. Try to look at it from the perspective of one friend helping another, esp since they cared enough about your feelings to acknowledge how it may make you feel and let you know they weren't taking sides. If her or her H needed a place to stay, would you say no?