My Picnic Blanket

[bustingout]

Thanks CC, job and BF!

Well, as the holidays come to an end I have several observations, a few facts and some possible opportunities.

Observations:

H is much more engaged with the kids and the family. It's incredibly noticeable. S9 is so happy. D6 more confident.

H does not engage me directly or personally. It's very general but much nicer than it has been over the last three years.

Facts
He is still in touch with OW - not sure if it's very amicable
There was a fight and now lots of missed calls. He used to make an excuse to go smoke and would be away for an hour returning her call. This holiday apart from the above mentioned obvious phone engagements, the most he has been away was for minutes- to actually smoke a cigarette.

On our way home we are transiting through Dubai. He asked if we wNted to stay a couple of days in Dubai. He was going to book me and the kids a hotel room. I said I don't mind going but I don think me and the kids will go if you arnt with us in the hotel.

I meant it not as a threat. H thought about it a few days and then he said today ' so do you want to go to Dubai or stay here ( Europe) for a few extra days. He was willing to stay here for a few days and he was ok with Dubai but would stay in his apartment and us stay in a hotel. He said he would be in the hotel with us until the kids slept then go to his apartment to sleep. I said easily ok then we'll just go back home ( we couldn't change our tickets to stay in Europe a few more days).

So he is not rushing to get back to Dubai - was willing to stay here a few more days and in Dubai but not stay with us in Dubai in the hotel.

Possible opportunity?

He told me to give him a proposal/suggestion about how we can start making things better for our kids. He knows I how I feel about that.

I haven't given him a propsL yet. I have been thinking if this is an opportunity or not. Him trying without saying. Wanting me to lead..? I don't think he is ready. Confused and obviously in some drama with OW while making remarkable steps in engaging with the kids and his family as a whole this holiday. Willing to spend some family time with me and the kids...

I think I should either wait until the last day of the holiday and give a proposL or wait until we go back home and see how things go. Thoughts?

Observations on me

I have grown. I can see what I have moved through and forward from. I am happy and I am laughing again. It's been a journey from He!! And this holiday I can finally see the light at the end. And no one will take that from me again and I wouldn't give it away again. I know there is still more to come... And I am eager to learn more

[bustingout]

One thing I realised I really have to work on still is my self esteem. Because h does not 'look' at me- or treat me with any interest in who I am or my life etc I still question if I am attractive enough , fun enough, interesting enough etc.

It's so hard.

[BrightFuture]

Busting, I’m so glad you had some good time and H was engaged with the kids more. There are definitely some positive signs in this direction.

I agree, you NEED to work on your self-esteem. Just because he doesn’t look at you that way doesn’t mean that you are not attractive or interesting or lovable. You ARE all of that. I’m sure any other man would look at you this way.

I actually wrote in my thread that when my H came a few days ago I didn’t see anything in his look that would tell he has any feelings for me. It made me sad, but it didn’t undermine my self-esteem. I know that I am attractive, I get the compliments all the time. I used to joke about it before the BD, that a lot of other men I meet tell me that I’m such a nice and easy going person, pay compliments to me and give me lots of attention, but my H seems to be not interested in me that much. Now I know that he was already checking out of the M back then.

So, keep your chin up! Tell yourself that he doesn’t define you, you are an incredible woman.

[JuneReN]

Why didn't you want to stay in hotel alone?

And I question that about me all the time. But, busting, I've seen your pic. YOu are drop dead gorgeous. So please, work on your self esteem.

And maybe your bravery? I woulda stayed in one of the swanky hotels Room service massage, had H take kids for an afternoon. You know?

And, oh look, reality time for H...always happens. Sometimes the reality, unfortunately is they are happy where they are and don't want us, but I think most often it is a case of the grass is greener and oh, that was because it was on a septic field......

This is an awesome metaphor with the WAS mind as a septic tank that if doesn't get looked after and pumped to get to the bottom of things then overflows and causes all sorts of sh*t to happen....but I digress, and apparently, need to get a life.

H said he often thinks my mind is the Willy Wonka factory...I am suspecting he is right

[bustingout]

Thank you BF and Ruby.

BF - yes I do have to work on this. I know exactly what you mean. I have similar experiences with men showing attraction to me saying i am fun, cool etc. sigh...

Ruby- I didn't want to stay in the hotel without him because of two reasons:
1. Two years ago the kids and I wen to Dubai for 5 days and h was meeting us there. I didn't know at the time but he did not stay with is in the hotel. He wasn't living there at the time but was in another hotel with OW. He would show up late, one day he didn't show up at all. The kids were so sad and confused.

2. For the pas two weeks we have had a really good holiday as a family staying together. My thoughts were that going to Dubai now after this with him staying in his own place and us in a hotel... Well I thought it would be too hard again.. I don't know what the situation is with OW- I didn't want the possibility of him saying he is coming for breakfast then doesn't show up for example etc. I didn't want to end the holiday on a possible sad note. I guess I don't trust H enough still.

[JuneReN]

Gotcha. Why not just say thanks and don't expect him at all?

But I understand your reasoning. Me? I would have put myself out there. would have had no expectation of H's company, but taken the opportunity to do something he suggested.

I saw this as a bit of a reaching out, but he may have been on the high of the family vacay as well.

[BrightFuture]

Ruby, you made me laugh. I love this analogy with the septic tank. I can picture that overflow stuff, LOL.

[bustingout]

Hmmm good point Ruby. I need to think about that. He may have been.

This is hard. It's the trust issue I think.

So what about the kids.. ? If I were to go to Dubai and it ended up him not coming when he said he will etc, do I take that risk?

[JuneReN]

Sure, Don't tell the kids anything about H. it's all about you and them

If they say "isn't this where Daddy lives." Say absolutely, but he is super busy and hopefully he gets to see us, but this is funtime for us!!!"

You can always make it just about you and the babies, Of course it is about H too but you can keep that to yourself, right?

And let me say, when the behaviour is disappointing these days, it just reminds me that it is not about me at all. I don't make those choices.

Don't require a thing from H. Don't ask when why if. That way there is no pressure for him at all and you show you can comfortably and with great aplomb handle this.

The trust is hard.

This time if he says to kids "I will be there" and doesn't show or is late, you can say Dad got caught up in work etc. Normally I don't think lying is right but here you get to test what is happening and where H might be as a parent.

Is it risky? Heck ya, but you know you can pitch it to the kids so they don't feel abandoned. But can you handle it? If not, don't go.

[LITB]

Wow Busting!! You have come quite a long way since the last time I was on the boards. You are doing incredibly well and you should be proud.

I have seen your pic too and you are beautiful. Don't ever doubt that. The thing is, you are beautiful beyond your appearance.

I am happy to see how far you have come.