2S2Q - Bring it on, 2014!!!

[2stubborn2quit]

She responded well with a smiley face. I guess either her stress was less than she explained or wasn't enough to make a deal out of it. The 3,528,476 follow up comments and questions I'd like to reply with are safe and sound in the vault

[paul19510]

I hope you continue to heal and progress in whatever waynakes you happy. You give me hope that my young sitch will one day begin to look brighter.

[2stubborn2quit]

Thanks. The thing is though that I believe the new contact unearthed new problems that prove it's going to be a long road.

She basically explained that she loves me but can't have a relationship with me because I'm attached to kids, house, life she can no longer handle. This means I now have even less influence on the situation as before. She also told me she almost called me once to tell me to move on and forget her.

I'm completely powerless. I don't even have a thing she hated that I can say "look I don't do that anymore and I'm really sorry". She loves my GAL and building my life...it makes her happy and that's all I can do.

It also shows how vulnerable I am to losing her to another person. She needs a relationship with no attachments, booty calls, etc. I can only hope that the experience we had was positive enough she feels comfortable enough to come back to me instead of another for sex.

Wow! Do I ever have my work ahead of me. Thank goodness for DB/DR.

[Barrybran]

Look at the positives... she came back to you for sex which means that you've presented yourself as a safe person, even if it's early and there's a lot of work to do. After my wife and I were intimate yesterday I did have to fight off many thoughts but I acted as if nothing happened and went back to DB mode. Low and behold, it happened again this morning.

It's tough but just remind yourself that what you've done so far seems to be working and just keep plugging away at the same level, nothing more, nothing less, until something stops working. Act as if, have no expectations and be you.

[2stubborn2quit]

Yes, that sounds about right. Like Melissag says, "just keep swimming".

[2stubborn2quit]

Still reflecting on the situation. Please bear with me, mulling details over and the verbal diarrhea...

As it stands she literally feels suffocated by her life...not necessarily by me. I think I can see now how the sitch was triggered. She had made a routine where she escaped the life she couldn't live with, letting me be the one to cover for her. When I couldn't do it anymore (I really couldn't, my life had become extremely lonely; I was frustrated, sad, alone) I confronted her on how I need help. At that point we hit a crossroad. I couldn't enable her escape, she couldn't avoid it anymore. That's when she went to a place that made her feel forced to leave.

I know she didn't hate me, she just couldn't stay anymore. She's been loving and supportive of my feelings and situation from the beginning, she just felt she couldn't stay anymore. I think she explained it to me the whole time, I was just too emotionally retarded to understand.

So far DB'ing has been the right way to go. Give her space, be available and attentive when she approaches. So far it's been a screaming success (in DB terms of course, to anyone on the outside it's an amazing failure).

She's become available to talk and at times capable of coming to the house for socializing. this afternoon we spoke quickly about how she needed me to pick up the kids earlier so she can have dinner with a girlfriend. I explained I can't leave work early but that she can bring them to the house when she needs, I'll make sure to get there ASAP. This was respected and appreciated. I even went so far as to wish her a nice time with her friend. She responded by explaining the reason it was important for her and I agree, this is important. We chatted a bit, she then asked about my plans for the weekend (very new of her to ask). When she understood that part of my plans was to take down Christmas stuff, she asked if she could come. Of course I agreed, I'm even rescheduling that plan to include her. This sounds like nothing to others, but the change in attitude, respect and desire to be a part of family life is huge compared to 6 months ago.

So now she's starting to feel able to approach. It changes nothing about the living situation, that's a symptom of the larger problem...not the problem itself.

I *guess*...big emphasis on *guess*...that now the strategy is to let her feel more and more comfortable. Let her feel out how she can feel comfortable as part of the family again. I will be available to help. I can't enable like I once did, but we'll figure something out if we can.

You have no idea how much better I feel about this now. Thanks for your impressive attention span if you've been able to read this whole thing LOL!

[Barrybran]

Sounds promising 2s2q. I feel the same about my situation. Just keep listening, validating and living your own life.

[2stubborn2quit]

Thanks. It's all just guessing at this point, trying to make sense of changes and recent discussions. Hope I'm not mind reading too much.

[Barrybran]

Don't worry, I've been guilty of that too. Just gotta try and shut the thoughts out and stay on track.

[2stubborn2quit]

Crud! My daughter grabbed my iPad and came upon this site, asking about it by name. I told her it must have been a link to a ad or something but now I'm nervous. If she mentions it to W, she could come to the site and look through posts.

I've discussed some pretty intense stuff here, I wouldn't want it to be found. Do you think I should ask the mods to delete my threads?