Becoming PatientMan IV - It Is Well With My Soul

[PatientMan]

Something spooked her between December 12th and Christmas. She had been acting "different" (good) as I had been noting the trends over the last month and a half. You all seemed to agree with my observation.

After she was spooked she pulled away again, and I noted that she was acting different (bad) than the recent different (good) when her family was here for a week.

And when she pulled away again, I realized that I HADN'T separated hope and expectations, that my heart was broken yet AGAIN, for the bajillionth time in this process for me, that this is what keeps happening: she lulls me in (or I allow myself to be lulled in), then breaks my heart. It's a seemingly endless cycle.

And I just couldn't take it any more. I can't keep getting my heart broken.

So I opened up to her. I told her I noticed she was acting different, she told me what spooked her, we talked about boundaries, we talked about kids, we talked about a LOT of stuff...we had what most people would call a "really good" talk, but I told her I just couldn't do it anymore.

Apparently I CAN'T separate hope and expectations.

Apparently, at least with this woman, I CAN'T not be head-over-heels in love.

Apparently I am addicted to her like a drug. I break my dependency on her, then when she lulls me back in I fool myself into thinking I can control the positive interactions, but I can't. It's like a friggin' drug. I don't NEED her, I just WANT her really, really, REALLY bad...like a drug addict really wants his drug.

And if I can't control my desire for my drug, and if I can't separate hope and expectations, then I realized I'm never going to win at this...I'm never going to be the man I need to be for me and my daughters.

So I figure the solution for my addiction is to go cold turkey. So I told her that she was my best friend, that I loved her, but I have to say goodbye.

And I know you all know how hard that is, but she isn't just my best friend, she's really my only friend. (And I know that's a big DB no-no, but 33 year-old men don't make new BFF's, so let's be realistic here.)

So I'm lonely. And I miss my kids. I miss my family. To be honest I don't like my alone time at all...I never have. I want to be with my family. That is the life I created for myself, that is the life I want, and for some deluded reason, that's the life I destroyed.

At times I feel like she's giving me the blueprint to reconciliation, but it could all just be a ploy to keep me on her hook, probably unintentionally.

So I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep getting my heart broken and going through these stages and cycles of depression that have permeated throughout every aspect of my entire life for the past 2+ years...YEARS.

I was so hurt and so angry this last time that I went out and sinned. And I knew it was a sin when I was doing it, and I am feeling the heavy burden of that now too, but I saw it as a way for me to solidify my position that I am done going through this.

So I guess my sitch has come full circle and the roles are reversed. She has completely broken me to the point where I'm just done. Instead of her this time, *I* sinned to somehow deal with it.

I love her and I miss her and I think about her and how good it would feel just to embrace her and have the sadness go away for just that moment, but I have to stop hoping. "Hope is a dangerous thing" says Red in Shawshank Redemption. Too dangerous for me, it appears.

I'm over 100 posts for this thread and should start a new one, but I don't know if I'll need one. I may post again soon to talk about what spooked her, but I don't really feel the desire to post anymore. Perhaps I just need a break.

Thank you all for your encouragement, wisdom, support, prayers, and community. I truly appreciate it and the so many wonderful people here.

-PM