Ready for Love

[JuneReN]

Happy New Year my friend. xx

[ForeverYoung]

There was some discussion on whether or not the M was good and the spouse was loving, in RL's last thread. (now closed)

I like the way nero put it in her last post there. She can see it’s not as simple as good/bad. It never is.

It’s all about our present perspective. The ability to re-write history, or only focus on certain parts of it, is not confined to the MLC’er or walk away spouses. It is obviously a normal human trait, probably part of a coping mechanism which likely helps us make decisions and move forward. A good thing!

I can really understand how someone needs to “feel” a certain way about the past in order to be able to move forward.

We can change how we view the past, and how we feel now, but not how we felt then. We were in love, and our spouses did love us.

I want to always remember the good times/years for what they were back then, no matter what happens to us in the future. Blissful in the knowledge that we were always fully committed to each other, intimate partners in this game of life.

But then that's based on my present perspective, where we're still at least partially committed to each other. Maybe I’ll too change my mind if and when I’m done!

[BrightFuture]

I can totally relate to this. I’ve been doing the same thing as RL recently, rewriting the history. I almost convinced myself that H didn’t really love me that much, until I found the old cards and post cards from him, where he expressed his love and said that he could not wait to get home to see me. It brought up the memories, I cried and realized that he actually did love me. My next thought was “what happened?” It is just too painful, still. This is why, I think, I’ve been trying to overwrite the history to make it easier to move on.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks, BF. I too have sometimes wondered if W’s recent perception is accurate, that she never ever felt the hots for me. After all, she did have a lower sex drive than me. Then I remember many specific incidents... like the time she stripped and teased me through the back window of our house as I mowed the lawn. I almost ran the mower into the ditch trying to finish up!

Many months after BD I found a “game” W had made several years earlier that I had forgotten about. In this game each partner received points for doing chores, which they could then redeem for special “treats” in private! It was all listed out. I let it drop because keeping track of the points seemed like too much trouble.

Yes, she loved me, knew what I liked and tried her best. I plan to continue to do my best for her as long as I can.

[Wonka]

FY,

Now...let's back up a bit...how do you plan to move from high-fiving your W to undressing her?!!

[AJM]

You could start by mowing the lawn. That seemed to work before

I think you're right FY. For what it's worth. Re-writing the history is part of moving on. It shocked me when my ex said she never loved me. When she re-wrote history in front of me and the MC. I had never seen that.

Since then? I've seen it plenty of times with various people. I'll never know why she wanted so desperately to re-write her history. I don't know that she even remembers doing that to be honest, nor why she was so angry at the time. It all seems to be a protection mechanism for people to do that.

It's the why that kept me wondering for so long. I stopped wondering and it's been a good thing for me. The end of the day, she wanted out. The why is not nearly as important as the what. Except for the future when we still have to raise the kids or be there for them. It results in me keeping a wall up (she's remarried to OM; I'm not taking that wall down any time soon when it comes to them - there's no real reason.) So it has an impact, but I think it has to have a purpose as well. A protection of something. <shrug> Who knows right?

The action part of that seems to be waiting, like T2, for the spouse to get out of that protection mode. To starve the anger towards the LBS. I wasn't very good at that, but some are. Once that's done, then it becomes a matter of the MLCr to figure out their next step. Or the LBS. Both have a part to play.

It's during that time the LBS seems to get a golden gift of introspection and growth. I refer to it as a parting gift from a woman I once loved and who loved me. She said she didn't, but I know better

AJ

[Takevowsserious]

Very interesting discussion

And for the record, yard work does get us women hot. Don't even THINK about breaking out the weed wacker - lol!

I think perhaps we go through different rewriting at various times. I can see that with myself in retrospect. Right after bomb, it was rewriting with the rose colored glasses - things were so great, how can this be? Then as time went on, it was rewriting out of anger - what an a$$hole, he has treated me crappy for years!

I feel like I have finally come to a place where I can see the good and the bad in our M, and accept that we did the best we could at the time. My H's not a bad guy - not by a long shot - he is just a good person who has lost their way.

As for our MLCer, no doubt they rewrite out of anger. My H flat out told me he said things out of anger that he didn't mean. He was angry in general, and took it out on me.

I think a good question is this...( sort of what you were referring to AJ in letting their anger burn out)
What happens once they start to remember all the good things, and see that maybe they were wrong - AND - see what a mess they have created in the process? Talk about tough stuff...

[AJM]

Tough indeed. I didn't use to wish that on anyone. But now I see the value in that. There's value in revisiting emotions and history to put them finally to rest.

I'm going to get the chainsaw out now..

AJ

[ForeverYoung]

You could start by mowing the lawn. That seemed to work before

OMG AJM, that was a good one. Thanks for the laugh.

-------------

My W is not angry at me. Oh, it was all my fault at the beginning of the crises, but she moved past that quickly.

Now it's all regrets she has of her life. ("I've pissed away 30 years of my life, and now it's almost over")

I also believe some childhood stuff is driving her crises, and I wonder if she even realizes this.

There have been a few short and crazy outbursts of anger recently, but no blame on me in them. Mostly she seems happy, and we get along well. It does make me wonder about our chances of being intimate again.

Which is why I feel I'm overdue to start truth darting... I'm not content to live in a sexless M forever. (I almost wrote "loveless", but I do believe there is still some kind of love here)

Not sure the best way to approach this though... but I also feel there's not much I could say that would send her packing. It might scare her off for a bit though. IDK.

I think a good question is this...( sort of what you were referring to AJ in letting their anger burn out)
What happens once they start to remember all the good things, and see that maybe they were wrong - AND - see what a mess they have created in the process? Talk about tough stuff...

Since my W hasn't had an A, hasn't spent loads of money, hasn't alienated the family, HAS stopped blaming me early on, etc. etc., there really hasn't been much of a mess created. This should make R easy, right?

It really makes me wonder how our story will end. Aren't you guys curious too?

[AJM]

I'm curious. She has things to work out in her head. In her heart. In her life. The question will be what happens when she does and whether or not you two can reconnect.

Honestly? I'd say you two have a great chance of it if anyone does.

AJ