Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[paul19510]

well said labug

[OneDay]

Why did her action cause such emotion from you?

Because she has never done this before, nor did she tell me or know what her plan for the evening was. Even If she got too drunk to drive (which has never happened) she would call/text me to let me know whats going on alot earlier than 4am. I was upset and worried. It then turned into anger when she came home in the morning and acted as If it was a normal morning, as if she just returned from the Grocery Store.

So to recap a bit about last night. She is Done, Done, Done and I can fully see it. I still feel sad that she is Done with me, but I've completely exctepted it and I feel A LOT better about myself emotionally.

The more I thought about last night (see 2 posts above) I think I did the majority of talking (defiantly about Attorney issue.) I did do a far share of listening and a lot validating, but I came back with a lot of my concerns. She's just acting so Willy-Nilly about the whole D and kept saying "I don't Know, I've never been through this before" or I haven't thought about that". (she thinks the courts/attorney are the ones who decide everything) I had to voice my opinion and I did it calm, cool and collect. I told her I am more than willing to try and work this D out ourselves and use mediation instead of spending all this money on the attorneys. The items were talking about splitting are not even worth what both attorneys are going to cost us. She thinks it might be a good Idea too, but not sure. I said I understand that, and to think it over and get back with me either way.

[OneDay]

IGNORE THE SECOND PART OF THE ABOVE POST

Wow, now Im repeating myself, sorry guys. I forgot I posted the same thing last night, (it was late, Okay).

[Positivespin]

Did we marry the same woman??????

Trust NOTHING that she says and only half of what you see!

I got the same speech, the same text, the same story. Everything was our fault. My W said to my face "If you think we are ever getting back together you live in Fantasyland!"

Here is what I wish I did before I was in the situation you are in RIGHT NOW- What are your boundaries? Define YOUR "game over" in your mind (and stick to it)and continue on this wild ride......

I did not. I was so damn scared of losing my family that I was "agreeing" to some pretty ridiculous things. I was a spineless loser.

She is at the point of no return right now- knowing this, remember that you need to co-parent with her the next 8 years and get yourself through this process so that you dont need years to recover financially and emotionally on the back end!

[OneDay]

Here is what I wish I did before I was in the situation you are in RIGHT NOW- What are your boundaries? Define YOUR "game over" in your mind (and stick to it)and continue on this wild ride......

I did not. I was so damn scared of losing my family that I was "agreeing" to some pretty ridiculous things. I was a spineless loser.

She is at the point of no return right now- knowing this, remember that you need to co-parent with her the next 8 years and get yourself through this process so that you dont need years to recover financially and emotionally on the back end!

Well Im not just rolling over and dying, I can tell you that. The house is a pre-marital asset, so she cant have it and Im not giving it up. Im fine with splitting everything else 50/50 even my 401k, (not that I have a choice) We lived fairly modestly, and do not have alot of fancy or high end material. Just your normal household items.

Im not following what you mean by "boundaries" and "GAME OVER". Could you explain?

[Positivespin]

Boundaries include - If she will not be home to message me before midnight so that I can lock the doors (no more 4am texts)

Its your house and she said she was done- Maybe SHE needs to move out of YOUR bedroom?

"Game over" - The truth is that my wife asked me if I would be OK with an "open relationship". I was so desperate to save my family I said yes. Later I grew a sack and responded the way I should have. I just wish I would have thought about those things before actually confronted with them.

I want you as prepared as possible so that your always thinking of the endgame......Your emotional and physical health and the happiness of your children.

[OneDay]

So I had a great time this weekend out in the woods. We didn't get any Quail, but I had a great time and ate some really good food. I tried not to think about WAW, but I thought about her and our relationship a lot. I guess because it was sooo quiet out there.

I did however, come to the realization that Im not good at DB'ing and Im having a hard time changing my ways and doing 180's. I realize that I need to do them, not for her, but for myself. I can see the way I've been acting was/is not good for anyone, including my family, job, friends, and relationships. But, it is really hard to change your ways when you've been acting this way for so long. It just feels normal (does that make sense)

I know for sure that;
1. I Tend to focus on her flaws and try to validate she was the problem (or atleast part of it)
2. I always feel the need to be right (especially if I'm accused of something) and will go to great lengths to prove it. (I will do this with most people)
3. I'm not really listening to her and I tend to change the focus back to myself.(sandi's rule number 31)
4. Im keeping score
5. Im still acting selfishly and I know for sure thats what she's seeing.

Sure I quit Drinking and Dipping, but that was only part of problems. I can now see it was way deeper than that and haven't even begun to change. Drinking every night was a very Selfish thing to do, and I finally realize that. Sure, I've became more patient with my kids, but thats about it.

I've been fairly dark around WAW, I am very vague in my whereabouts and with most questions she asks. I know that sometimes I come across as cold and angry. I really dont talk much and spend a lot of time avoiding my WAW. I dont think these actions are showing her a man that only a fool would leave. If anything I think they are solidify her decision to divorce.

Last night didnt go so well either. I could use an opinion if I was off base and selfish here. After my long weekend camping I was exhausted and getting ready for bed. I grabbed the blow up mattress, sheets/blankets and her pillows and brought them in the living room. I then asked her and I quote "do you have everything you need from the room, because Im going to bed" I thought her head was going to explode and she replied with "What, your sleeping in the bed tonight? I just busted my A$$ cleaning all weekend and you got to go off and play". (I've been sleeping on the blow up for a month now) I said I understand, and that I really want to sleep in a bed and need a good a night sleep. She then replied with you are an arrogant a$$. I then told her she was more than welcome to sleep in the bed too, but she said "yea, thats not happening"

Any thought/comments are always greatly appreciated.

[Fartiltre]

Reading your 5 point list I see lot of me several months ago. You are starting to realize things and that’s the real first step in all of this. Most of us LBH tends to work our a$$ off at first – cleaning, laundry, gardening whatever we think will change WAWs decision in a split second. IRL it’s not (or rarely) these things that this is all about.

This is about the things you list (or likewise) and if you start working that list you might just find a new list underneath the first one and so on. It takes time and you are still just a few months into this.

When you start digging you will also find that the items you list demands an awful lot of work compared to the cleaning, laundry, whatever list. IT TAKES TIME!!
But it is doable if you start doing it! Sure you will make mistakes and that’s a part of the process, so do NOT beat yourself because of this.
Get back on the horse and continue down the path you select for you!

If you want to be a better listener then practice. Practice with friends, children, bus driver – everybody! Read about listeningskills. Practice, do, evaluate, develop!

To me your last post might be you starting to get this and that is truly the first and hard step – took me several months just to get there!

The big question is therefore: What are you going to do about the list???

About the bed!
I think you did wrong when you moved her things out but not when you decided to sleep in the bed!

The way you moved her things could come out harsh, demonstrative or likewise. I think you should have just looked her in the eyes and told her “W, I want to sleep in my bed. Feel free (and safe) to join me – otherwise I will gladly help you get your stuff where you want it” …and then go to bed! (To sleep - nothing else!!!)

You might would have chosen a day or two after she cleaned the house

[labug]

Scott, I think F is on to something.

The first part of your post sounded like you taking responsibility for you.

The last part seemed passive/aggressive. Why not have a talk with her before?

[Positivespin]

WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK. once again, go on a field trip and get the book NO MORE MR NICE GUY

Im proud of you for the bedroom stance- some additional polish would have been nice. Fartiltre nailed it in his last paragraph (above)

BUT...Whats done is done - NO GUILT!!!!!!!!!!!

I really hope you stick with this because you are going to find that your wifes current actions are actually saving your arse. Its going to get so tough- but your worth it

So, why do you think you drank?