Hi All, I’m new here, I’ve been reading for a couple of weeks now (including first chapters of DB and DR) and while I am starting to GAL and try to emotionally distance myself from my WAW, I’m really struggling to keep it together at times for the sake of trying to, for lack of a better way to put it, convince my WAW I am someone they want to be with. Little about my story, I’ve been M for 4, T for 5.5; but we knew each other well before then as friends. We have a D2 and we are living overseas away from family and friends. We are doing so for WAWs career, and I was up for the adventure anyway so we upped sticks and moved across the world. If only we knew what an impact the isolation of being overseas with no friends or family would have. After being away for about 4 months, WAW fell pregnant with our D. It was deliberate, after much back-and-forth conversation about whether it was a good idea. In retrospect, of course, we can see now that the addition of a child to an already difficult situation was just a recipe for disaster. Of course that’s not to say that I don’t love my D with all my heart, but reality is reality.
Things started to go awry almost immediately after D arrived. We were struggling with money, and had been for quite some time. This was a bugbear for both of us, because one of the reasons we had moved overseas was for the adventure of living in another city; but now we had no money, no time due to having a baby and no energy! We began to drift apart. WAW became depressed after D was born that I don’t think she has ever really broken out of, even 2 years on. She had been depressed before, and we had clashed because I had issues with panic attacks that were triggered by her frustration at being depressed. It was a mess. I tried my best to support WAW as much as I could at this time, giving her space to socialise and time to do the work that she was passionate about. In my efforts though, I simply dug myself a hole of depression that I fell into, while seeming like I was distancing myself from WAW.
WAW dropped the bombshell (it wasn’t a complete bombshell, but I was still heartbroken) about 6 months ago that she felt that we should separate. I, of course, being the people-pleaser that I am – went straight into beg and plead mode. Please don’t leave, we can make this work, we can fix things, we just need time together. The whole shebang. Naturally, I drove her away. WAW started taking drugs again and smoking, though only a couple of times (so she says). She became more depressed and hopeless about her situation, to the point where we took her to hospital to have her assessed, and she was diagnosed as bipolar. I went back to taking care of D2 on Friday evenings to allow WAW to relax with friends, and giving WAW the space and support she needed to work through her tough time. So, naturally, I made the same mistake twice in short succession.
About 4 months ago, WAW reiterated that she wanted to separate. We were heading home the next month, so we decided to wait until after that for her to actually move out. We had a couple of arguments while back home, partially fuelled by family interfering; partially because I think we were just exhausted with what we had become. We physically separated for the first time during that trip, and upon her return home – she moved out of the house with D2 into a new place 30 minutes away.
We drew up a separation agreement, and since we still love each other (ILYBIMILWY) we are still friendly with each other. We are scheduled to see each other once a week, but we tend to do it more as WAW tends to contact me daily for all sorts of things that could have frankly waited (ie. texted this morning to ask if I could look after D2 during a trip she is taking – though we are meeting tomorrow morning and she could have just mentioned it then). Christmas was a bit of a knock to the stomach as well, as I spent Xmas Day with WAW and some friends at her place. We had a couple of close family friends over, as well as D2 and me – plus one other guy from WAWs work who just hung around all day and had spent the previous night in my WAWs bedroom. So I’m pretty sure something is going on there, though I try not to get hung up on torturing myself about the details. I can handle a lot of the emotional detachment stuff at the moment, but the thought of her with another man right now just feels like razorblades in my stomach.
So now I am trying desperately to 180, to GAL and emotionally distance myself from my WAW. We are going to see a marriage counsellor tomorrow, which I am actually panicked about now because I think it is too early to bring this stuff up. But I didn’t realise that when I made the booking. WAW says she worries about me, and tells me not to be optimistic about us getting back together. She has bluntly told me that she doesn’t think we will ever get back together. I can’t help but reason to myself that if WAW was truly interested in getting happy, she would recognise that it would be a better ultimate situation back with our family rather than divorced with everything that goes with that. But you can’t reason in this situation I guess; its just a waste of time. So instead I am joining clubs to get out and meet people, I’ve seen a doctor about my depression and I’m exercising as much as I used to – which is a big thing for me to be able to keep doing.
I think the hardest thing for me at the moment is the fear that I have at distancing myself from my WAW, that she will never come back. That fear you get that they may end up preferring life without you. Which is crazy of course, because that could happen either way. But show me someone who is rational and straight thinking in this situation, and I’ll show you someone with a heart of ice.
Any support, thoughts, tips, or good distracting television series’ to watch would be greatly appreciated at this time.
