Thanks Melissa. You have no idea how much your post meant to me. I am so lucky to have found this site where complete strangers pick each other up and provide motivation to keep moving.
I have known for weeks that I would make it through Christmas just fine because the focus is on the kids. I had been dreading NYE. I had a great evening with my friends and rang in the New Year with my kiddos beside me. It did hurt that I was the only one at dinner without my H.
My heart also broke for S4. Before we headed out to dinner, S4 came up to me and gave me a big hug and said "Dont worry mommy, if daddy does not come tonight I will be the daddy. I am tall, strong and have a shirt just like daddy. I will be the daddy and take care of you and S3." He repeated the same thing to S3 when we were in the car on the way to dinner. I simply HATE that my sweet child has to worry about filling his daddy's shoes because H is always gone.
H headed to a hotel party with his single guy friends. He wished me a happy new year at 3 pm but nothing at midnight. I did not hear from him until 2pm on NYD. It was the first time in 15 years that we had not been together on NYE.
All of this combined with my fear of what may happen in 2014 sent me over the edge. I know that this is completely against DBing, but I sent him an email telling him my feelings and about what S4 said. I just knew that I could not smile and pretend I was ok when H showed up for "family time." H actually thanked me for the email. He said that it meant a lot to him because he could see that I was vulnerable and not pointing fingers.
We had a good evening as a family (which honestly just makes things harder). When H was leaving, he asked if I was ok. For the first time in months, I just could not hold back the tears. We talked for a while. H said that he has been thinking about getting his own place. The idea that he is going to sign a lease, buy new furniture, etc just pushed me further. H stayed and talked but I could tell that he was uncomfortable and wanted to bolt. H called me today to see if I was okay and reminded me that he called me upset a month ago so that I should not feel bad.
It is so hard because H says that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am an amazing person. He is clearly attracted to me. When we ML last week, it was so passionate. Yet, H still does not want to come back.
I think that last night was a reminder that I have not let go of our M. I need to move forward as if H is going to get his own place and never return to our home. Intellectually I know what I need to do, but it is getting my heart to understand that is the challenged. I also need to let go of the fear of our M ending. It ended a long time ago. I need to say goodbye to that M, to the guy that proposed to me and to my former best friend of 15 years. I need to do this if I have any hope of forming anything with H in the future.
For the first time, I took off my wedding rings and put them away. The attachment to the rings and to what we used to have is holding me back. Although the rings have become a symbol of unhappiness and distrust, it was my safety blanket. I had been telling myself that I was wearing them as a reminder of the commitment that I made before God to uphold my vows. But I know that God does not see to see the physical symbol of my commitment. I am finally ready to let go.
I am planning to write another post later tonight to help myself process what has happened over the past couple of months, how far I have come and where I want to go over the next couple of months.
