Rise & Shine III

[3boymom]

This post is going to be totally random but I need some advice for a situation that may surface in the upcoming months. I forgot that my H mentioned this topic the other day and I wanted to get some advice. My hope is that this does not happen, but just want to be prepared in advance.

As I have mentioned before, the OW works with my H. There has been so much drama over the past couple of years involving the OW and the OW's husband (outside of the A). The OW's H is currently in prison serving time for a white collar crime. Before OW's H went to prison, he tried to blackmail my H. OW's H showed up at our house numerous times (and tried to call) trying to tell me about the A and threatening my H. At the time, I stupidly chose to believe H because the OW's H is a pathological liar/narcissist. There was so much drama with the OW and her H (tapping OW's phone, calls to police, secret phones, etc). I thought that when OW's H went to prison, we could get back to normal. Yet, it just caused my H to want to help the OW even more and you all know what happened from here.

OW's H should be in prison for the next several years. However, during our conversation on Christmas Eve, H mentioned that OW's H may be getting out in the next couple of months. Perfect

I know that I will need to establish a strict boundary that i will have NOTHING to do with H if he continues to have OW and therefore OW's H in our lives. But, how do I do this with our children?

I feel like I will have to move so that OW's H cant find me. Everytime the doorbell or phone would ring I would tense up thinking that it was him. I dont think that he would hurt me or the kids, but I just dont always want to feel like I am watching over my shoulder waiting for him to contact me or try to blackmail our family. But I dont want to take the kids away from their home. They and I would be crushed.

This guy is a huge liar and I dont really believe that he is going to get out. But I just want to be prepared in case H mentions one day that he has been released. At the time, I was so angry with H that he let these people into our lives. H thought that I was creating all the drama and could not see that OW and her family were horrible (you think that he would know since OW's H stole a ton of money from my MIL and FIL).

Wow - when I type this out if seems as if I am living in a soap opera. I promise that I am a totally normal girl, who used to have a really normal family.

I have been doing a great job not thinking about the future. But I need to prepare myself for this just in case. And potentially even mention it to H so that he knows in advance that what happened last spring will not happen again. I am a much stronger person than I was back then and I honestly wont have any problem closing the door to our M if he chooses to keep these people in his life. I WILL NOT live like that again.

[3boymom]

I am not looking forward to today at all One week ago I had the best day with H that I have had in years. Today, H will be out drinking in the city with his single friends ringing in the New Year. It hurts.

The boys and I are headed out to dinner with my best friends and their families. After, the boys and I will head home, have a slumber party and celebrate the new year together (although the boys wont make it to midnight).

Even though I am celebrating exactly how I want to given the circumstances, it is still so hard. I feel so far apart from H. H wants to stop by before heading out tonight to see the boys. Of course he does - spend a few minutes playing with the kids and head out with no responsibilities.

I am ready for today to be over and to wake up in 2014. A new start for myself and the boys. My boundaries are going back in place and my armor of protection is going back on.

[labug]

All lives take crazy dipsy-doodles, it just feels like it's only us.

I'd talk to an attorney and find out what's possible and then you have more info to make your decision.

My guess would be there's not much because the law doesn't apply to this guy or at least that's the way he sees it.

Good luck, that is creepy and remember the safety of your family comes before DBing.

[3boymom]

Today was horrible. I broke down on front of H. I have not done that in months. It was horrible and I could not stop myself. Despite telling myself to have no expectations after ML last week and going out with H, H's return to his new single life crushed me. Need to regroup tomorrow. I am sure that it will take weeks to recover from the damage caused tonight. H will definitely be retreating big time.

[melissag]

3, I'm sorry this happened today. I do think you are being hard on yourself - you are human and allowed to have feelings. And maybe your H needs to see them once in a while. If it is not too nosy, what happened today? Maybe someone can help you see it in a different light . . . I know that happens a lot for me when I post.

Remember to BELIEVE in you!!! We all do!

(((3bm)))

[labug]

Today was horrible. I broke down on front of H. I have not done that in months. It was horrible and I could not stop myself. Despite telling myself to have no expectations after ML last week and going out with H, H's return to his new single life crushed me. Need to regroup tomorrow. I am sure that it will take weeks to recover from the damage caused tonight. H will definitely be retreating big time.

I'm sorry you feel so down but it happens, we all do those things. In the big picture, it's a blip. Let it go.

And you can do that, don't keep torturing yourself with reliving it.

Sometimes when we have those really down times, it's because we're about to uncover a new strength or realization within us. Some call it peeling the onion.

I compare it to our kids when they're really young and having developmental milestones one after the other. My kids would always get a little cranky for a day or so and I'd wonder "What??"

The next day they would turn over for the first time, or sit or whatever ...

Hang in there, you're OK. You will get through this.

[juliegayle]

Hi 3. Sorry you are having a rough day. As said you are only human go easy on yourself. I have noticed that when I have a few good days and am feeling pretty strong I get lulled into a false sense of security and when things crash they crash hard. Maybe you had some expectations you weren't aware of maybe not. It may just be the circular nature of the process. My dad died 12 years ago and there are days when of of nowhere the grief hits me like a ton of bricks. Our M (as we knew them) just died a few months ago.

[3boymom]

Thanks Melissa. You have no idea how much your post meant to me. I am so lucky to have found this site where complete strangers pick each other up and provide motivation to keep moving.

I have known for weeks that I would make it through Christmas just fine because the focus is on the kids. I had been dreading NYE. I had a great evening with my friends and rang in the New Year with my kiddos beside me. It did hurt that I was the only one at dinner without my H.

My heart also broke for S4. Before we headed out to dinner, S4 came up to me and gave me a big hug and said "Dont worry mommy, if daddy does not come tonight I will be the daddy. I am tall, strong and have a shirt just like daddy. I will be the daddy and take care of you and S3." He repeated the same thing to S3 when we were in the car on the way to dinner. I simply HATE that my sweet child has to worry about filling his daddy's shoes because H is always gone.

H headed to a hotel party with his single guy friends. He wished me a happy new year at 3 pm but nothing at midnight. I did not hear from him until 2pm on NYD. It was the first time in 15 years that we had not been together on NYE.

All of this combined with my fear of what may happen in 2014 sent me over the edge. I know that this is completely against DBing, but I sent him an email telling him my feelings and about what S4 said. I just knew that I could not smile and pretend I was ok when H showed up for "family time." H actually thanked me for the email. He said that it meant a lot to him because he could see that I was vulnerable and not pointing fingers.

We had a good evening as a family (which honestly just makes things harder). When H was leaving, he asked if I was ok. For the first time in months, I just could not hold back the tears. We talked for a while. H said that he has been thinking about getting his own place. The idea that he is going to sign a lease, buy new furniture, etc just pushed me further. H stayed and talked but I could tell that he was uncomfortable and wanted to bolt. H called me today to see if I was okay and reminded me that he called me upset a month ago so that I should not feel bad.

It is so hard because H says that there is nothing wrong with me. That I am an amazing person. He is clearly attracted to me. When we ML last week, it was so passionate. Yet, H still does not want to come back.

I think that last night was a reminder that I have not let go of our M. I need to move forward as if H is going to get his own place and never return to our home. Intellectually I know what I need to do, but it is getting my heart to understand that is the challenged. I also need to let go of the fear of our M ending. It ended a long time ago. I need to say goodbye to that M, to the guy that proposed to me and to my former best friend of 15 years. I need to do this if I have any hope of forming anything with H in the future.

For the first time, I took off my wedding rings and put them away. The attachment to the rings and to what we used to have is holding me back. Although the rings have become a symbol of unhappiness and distrust, it was my safety blanket. I had been telling myself that I was wearing them as a reminder of the commitment that I made before God to uphold my vows. But I know that God does not see to see the physical symbol of my commitment. I am finally ready to let go.

I am planning to write another post later tonight to help myself process what has happened over the past couple of months, how far I have come and where I want to go over the next couple of months.

Any insight would be great!

[3boymom]

Thanks so much LB and Julie. I was writing my post when you both posted. I feel better this morning. I love the analogy of peeling back an onion. I think that it was spot on. The last time that I had an emotional breakdown was after the "best of both worlds" conversation and right before I imposed the some boundaries. That was a huge positive step in my journey. It actually improved the dynamic with H. I believe that something positive will also come from this experience.

[bluesgal]

3-I agree with the posters. I sense a new level of growth trying to emerge. Kind of like the old saying that things get worse before they get better. You've got a great track record of goal setting and achieving. Melissa recently did a post where she reflected on her sitch and how far she's come. It was an eye opener and testament to our accomplishments.

I know you'll do the same. I look forward to your post and hopefully you'll have a truly cathartic experience.

For me, there was so much planning and anxiety surrounding Christmas that I completely ignored the potential fall out of NYE/NYD. A time of celebration/renewal etc. I think many of us have been caught off guard with the reality of our M setting in and are being forced to do some reflection and goal setting. We're here with you!