thanks for note and sayin nice stuff about me. i can think i'm swell til the cows come home- if i can't use it or people can't see it enough to make my r's happy and make me happy (tho i listen alot nd someone ends up "relieved" if not happy or saved() - what the heck good is it?
i think I am and have alwasy been "too easy" and it's (i'm) just not a challenge. i'm not making anyone work really hard to have love from me, or friendship or loyalty, etc. well- it's a challenge maybe to appreciate me - because i'm not makin anyone work "hard enough" to EARN my affection or love. and thereby make it feel VALUABLE. (I THINK HERE- ) THO, i think in life- it's an awful life if everything we have or get has to be EARNED ALL THE time- who the heck DESERVES everything they need or want or get??? who the heck should have to work really really hard to "earn" love or friendship, etc.
i've wondered before if i expect too much from people in the dedication & loyalty department. i can give it- maybe other people can't tho - can't just overlook crummo qualities in favor of the bigger piCture. Heaven knows- i'm no saint- i'm not so bad tho either? YA GOTTA WONDER WHAT THE HECK IT IS PEOPLE WANT ANYWAY??? I JUST think i do onto others kind of thing, clueless today about self...
i'm feelin rather wonky this morning- brain allover the place and washed over with sadness about the seemingly unfixable drifting away of h. MAYBE only once in 38 or so years have we gone this many days without talking- i'm dragged down by this crappola- tired.. (tho excited snow is coming and feeling cozy inside my little house.
just sad that he is so (i think) foolishly being washed away with his infatuation and need to be saving other people.
he compliments me all the time for being self-sufficient and how much he admires it- and then, what? he's off trying to save ow and several friends and create a need for himself. certainly knowing he's the most important person in my life and crucial to my happiness is SOMETHING- YET - not to him. it's pitiful really- can't strike a balance. he retired himself and took himself away fromjob - now is floating without a purpose for want of it- and what? blaming me, replacing me with needy people? idk- i canj't get it all
it's just such a stinking shame.
See my ego, it's still there. i'll go to my grave thinking i was a great life companion and someone that one could easily spend a lifetime with and should be glad to have the option.-
oh well- my pearls - those darn swine>>>!!!???
need to go think snow & pretty and cozy and let go of this tramatation junk.....
here comes susie snowflake- dressed in a snow white gown- tap tap tapping on your window pane - to tell you she's in town...
hum hum hummmm, deee dee dohh, etc.... twirl twirl- we're all in first grade spinning wildly around on the auditorium floor in the winter "show" - ^& singing like mad.
do you think any of us EVER really can see ourselves accurately? can we ever know really what we're like to the rest of the world? just wonderin....
