Limbo is the new normal

[NeedingMore]

Slow, you are awesome and inspirational!

[slow_it_down]

Thanks Needingmore.

So last my H finally opened up a bit about what's going on. Among other things he mentioned he felt weird that I didn't include him more in Christmas shopping for my kids. It never even occurred to me to include him this year so I felt legitimately bad about it. He also mentioned some other things that prompted a more intense conversation than I expected. He hit me with an unintentional low blow that made me cry for the first time in a long time. But by the end of the night I felt we had actually grown closer. I was disappointed in myself for some back sliding but was really proud of him for how he handled himself.

It's tough to know what's backsliding vs what is just rebuilding. I brought up, for example that I don't understand why he doesn't want his mom to know we are working things out. During dBing I should just let it go, but in a rebuilt relationship it's something that needs addressed. Just a learning process I guess.

I also used the conversation as a springboard to tell him I lost my rings. He asked if it was on purpose, I said no, and the conversation continued on to other topics. I feel pretty good having that off my chest, and relieved that it doesn't have to come up when he arrives for Christmas this afternoon.

Lastly, I've realized I have some adjusting to do in how I give him space and support. I've been trying to not nag or guilt him on missing things due to work or being tired. It seems like me being laid back and the body language I use gives him the impression that I don't care or am pushing him away. Lesson learned - time to tweak things again

[NeedingMore]

Slow,

One of the reasons that I have followed your story is because I feel we are similar in some of the R background. Another is because you are so damn articulate in writing. "It's tough to know what's backsliding vs what is just rebuilding"...EXACTLY! I have these long winded posts and the way you word things is always so perfect and spot on.

I think it is important to note that if this comes off in writing to a stranger, it has to come off in person to your H. Obviously you are the reason you have been able to rebuild from a not so good place...and you are going to be human and backslide. Just wanted to remind you that you are doing so great and he is lucky to have you I am sure he knows it too.

Thanks for the reminder that it's ok to retweak!

MERRY CHRISTMAS...your family is in my prayers on this special night!

Merry Christmas!

[Confluences]

Slow,

Guys are odd regarding certain things that make them feel slighted, etc. I could see where the Christmas shopping thing was unintentional on your end but he thinks it was and intentional slight. No big deal but the silver lining is he communicated it to you and gave you an opening to discuss the ring situation.

There's that point where I think you both want to hit each other with low-blows that are the result of bitterness and resentment about certain things. That is the challenge and the dilemma that you personally have to manage and not let those emotions bubble over and spill out.

I am glad that you are together for Christmas and it is comforting to hear that you are moving in a positive direction with things.

Keep us posted and Merry Christmas to you and you too, NM.

[slow_it_down]

Hi confluences & Needingmore, I thought of both of you yesterday on Christmas and I hope you are enjoying the holidays.

Confluences, the low blow was actually something he said that was about something I can't change about myself. I cried because it hit me that no matter how hard I try there are certain realities he just has to accept. It took my self esteem down 10 notches and really hurt. I don't think he intended to hurt me, he just said it was something on his mind. I'm glad he was open to talking but it just adds another bump in the path to overcome.

We had a nice Christmas together. He wouldn't acknowledge to his family that we were celebrating together which hurt, but he happily joined me to visit my folks.

Also tomorrow he's taking our baby out on his own for the 1st time. I'm happy he's spending 1-1 time with him but I hate the timing. Not a single hug or kiss since coming home from his trip and now he's seeing how he does alone w/ our son. I'm trying not to look into it but it's hard not to brace for him to be practicing with our S because he is thinking of leaving again after the holidays. I hate overthinking things but I'm also so afraid of being disappointed again.

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow,

The holiday was filled with mixed emotions for me as well. I am fairly certain that all of us on these message boards may have had the same feelings there. As if this stuff isn't hard enough, we have to "endure" the holidays, try to enjoy them despite our situation, and still provide a happy experience/memory for our kids. SO HARD TO DO!!

My BF worked and I spent the holiday at my moms with my kids and some family. BF replied to my Merry Christmas text, but that was it. I know he was working, but a phone call would have been nice. Oh well. Didn't hear from him today, but for some reason don't care. I am feeling like it would be his privilege to call me, and if he doesn't take it...fine. I am sick of this whole situation. In no way am I giving up and I think we are doing OK, but I am giving up certain worries right now. I am a wonderful GF, a dedicated mom, and I have so much love in my heart to give. If my BF would rather work, and have some partial and weird version of our relationship, that's fine. I am just sick of worrying about it.

OK, sorry, I had a tangent there...but I want to share some of this attitude with you. That low blow you speak of sounds like it set you back a little, and the anticipation of what is to come with him taking the baby out is getting to you. I am the queen of looking too much into things. When I think about it, I always have been and it's a hard habit to break.

As for the acknowledgement to his family, maybe this is a baby step that he isn't quite ready for?? I totally understand why it bugs though!

You mentioned before that you H made you feel like he wanted you to include him more in things, like the Christmas gifts. Do you think that this is just his attempt to be more involved? I would just encourage it, praise it, and maybe even joke about it afterwards depending on how it goes. Let him know that you appreciate the break, and are proud of what a great dad he is. Force yourself to have a different perspective on it.

Anywho...I replied to another thread tonight and asked that person what they were doing for themselves. Aside from the recurring drama of your sitch, what are you interested in? What are you doing to nourish YOU, solely? Just curious. Maybe while he has S you can take a little time for you!? Massage? Movie? Pedicure? Maybe you already do this stuff, but I sometimes forget to do things that I REALLY enjoy. I may start a new topic/thread that focuses on us as DBers, where no R talk to allowed!

[slow_it_down]

I feel kind of silly for overthinking him taking the baby out today. My H came over last night all kinds of chipper and upbeat and was extra snuggly, not wanting to leave for work this AM. Then when he came back for our S he was so happy and loving toward S when getting him ready to go. My H even brought me a tall cup of hot cocoa and said he figured Id enjoy it while relaxing w/ s being gone for a bit. He seemed really excited to be taking s out to meet his co workers and friends.

I'm proud of myself though, for keeping my mouth shut when I so desperately wanted to ask if the girl he was seeing (ow) works with him or goes to his gym since those were the places he was going to with our S. But I fought the urge knowing no good would come from asking. What's the worst that could happen if he was taking s to meet her, I reasoned, and decided to let it go.

NeedingMore, life is pretty hectic with a baby so my 'me time' is usually going to bed early or taking a long shower. I work full time and already miss the baby as is so I'm ok with not leading an uber exciting life right now. I do like to read though, and don't mind letting a few dishes or cleaning go so I can sneak in a chapter here or there. Otherwise my GALing usually involves spending time with the kids right now.

[slow_it_down]

I hate to complain because I know how lucky I am to have an H with a legitimate interest in working things out, but damn, can't a girl catch a break?

Today my H informed me that his mom sent him an email saying she'll be visiting him in about a week and a half. She didn't ask first, she just went ahead and made plans. She lives halfway across the country so it's not like she's just swinging by for a day... This is like a week long "I'm coming whether you want me there or not" kind of visit.

I was so looking forward to the calm life after the holidays. My kids have been away with their dad for the past week and it's another week till I really see them again. Plus my H has been more upbeat than I've seen him in at least a year.

I'm really angry w/ mil for coming w/o asking if it was a bad time (I want to see my kids not be entertaining company). And my H gets very flustered when his mom is around. He's a grump the week before she comes, he's a jerk the week she's here, and it takes him a month to get her out of his system after she goes. Her email alone was enough to add a very sour note to both our days. Good bye cheerful upbeat H for awhile

So much for 2014 being a year with less drama. I really want my H to grow a pair, tell her we are working things out, and tell her she can't just come w/o considering what will work for both of us. I made it pretty clear that if she does come he's on his own with her. I will not support her doing this because it sets a bad precedent for how future plans are made. I'm 100% a family person and don't mind her visiting... Just not so soon after her last visit, and not when I had a quieter January in mind!!

End of rant.

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow,

When I said what do you do for you I was thinking more along the lines of what are you passionate about? YOU as a woman. Not a mom, wife, etc. I love yoga and reading too. What kind of books do u like?

I am working, commuting, going to school, and dealing with craziness with BF and my mom...so believe me, "me time" is few and far between. When I move and find a new place, I am going to try to focus on yoga more, since it is my favorite thing to do. Planning a yoga retreat type trip is a long term goal, but one that I am going to try to focus on after I move...save $$ for, and make happen!

Anyway, sometimes even though I don't have time to DO all the things I want to, it is fun to imagine them...and it takes my mind off BF sitch. And I remember who I really am.

Glad to hear you venting about MIL. Totally valid. Why is your H so odd about his mom? What are the issues behind their relationship? I remember you mentioning her when the baby came. You have a good relationship with her, right? Is he weird because he is close with her and maybe she pressures him for answers about you guys?

Sometimes I feel that my BF is weird around his parents or our close friends (one nosy, loud, and opinionated Puerto Rican woman in particular!!) because they might ask him for answers to things that he doesn't want to discuss.

Anyway...kudos for handling the baby sitch well. And good for him for doing some good things for you. Don't feel silly, we all feel untrusting when we have been hurt by the one we love. You are showing that you have moved past things by not verbalizing the concerns to him, and waiting to see what happens. Either way, win win for baby (and you) for having quality time with daddy!

[Confluences]

Slow~

The MIL is part of it. At least you have a relationship with yours, so consider it a positive when she makes you angry. NYE was a real struggle for me because I got a call from a good friend who was at this house with his wife and one of her girlfriends that are both good friends with my WAW. He wanted me to come over and I refused at first because they were there and I did not want to be around them. It was just that instant moment of resentment and bitterness and anger all wrapped up into the fact that it was one of those holidays that should be spent with a significant other and here I am alone.

Anyway, I did end up stopping by and it was okay but it was a very distant place for me because I used to spend a lot of time at their place with my WAW and now spend very, very little time there. There are other friends that I spend time with and am much more comfortable being around right now. It was weird because I struggle with a lot of bitterness towards her girlfriends because they have a relationship with her and I do not right now. I don't dislike any of her girlfriends individually but collectively they all chose sides and I was the one excluded from a lot of things this year.

New Years was just a real heavy dose of multiple reality-checks for me in that 2014 is either going to be one of the most difficult years of my life or possibly one of the most miraculous ones. I still hold out hope but it's approaching 90 days of our 1 year separation period and I'm getting really anxious/fearful of the reality of divorce.

I am starting a weekly support group next week that will continue for 16 weeks and I think that will help me out a lot as I attended a "Surviving the Holidays" event and it was really good for me as it will run into April. Who knows what the New Year will bring but I am thankful for this forum and the help it has provided me through a difficult 2013.