it's a tricky little thing you guys are mulling over- what the past "really " "was". i find myself doing both things- appreciating how very very good it all was - and wondering if i'm nuts and it all was in my head. then, sadly, i realize that in general i think the bad things always seem bigger and more real and crucial than the good. it's awful- i hate it in life that i'm more willing to "believe" the bad than the good. isn't that creepy? and why is that?
does it have to mean that no matter what i think of myself I am soooo insecure that i would give more weight to the bad news about self ? than good. wtf??? or is it merely suddenly realizing the magnitude of what has gone on behind the scenes that i was happily unaware of- and the hugeness & longevity? of betrayal (or something like that?)
i routinely (alternately) come to both conclusions. then i end up in my usual place -I thinking realistically that it's probably (really IS) both things together. LIFE being full of contradictions and nothing ever being quite as simple as it should be.
i can think of times I overlooked some bad behavior (stupidly attributing his crummy impatientness to quitting his smoking addiction (big big addiction) and resultant edgy ratty behavior. his denials of anything "wrong" and that "men get crabby wen thety age?" it was partly cigarettes - i still know. probably tho- it was mostly his beginning to switch that addiction for computer addiction. and resultant love/sex/email addiction and giant fiasco i think his internal feelings have become..
i remember reading in the AA literature that they endeavor to switch an alcoholic's addiction to alcohol to something less detrimental- religion. i can believe that- they HAVE TO be addicted to something- . my mom has got to HAVE someone in the hotseat to be her "enemy" du jour or i swear- she cannot exist in a state of complacency or happiness. "the fight" keeps her alive.
he always was such a nice nice guy- i didn't find it hard to believe it was just "a stage" or something- nothing like being violent or huge huge kill-ya & runnnn away now - sort of bad behavior. probably very minor to rest of world kind of stuff.
i knew he was the sort of person who got a new interest and it totally claimed him. i was fooled by; all the ;years i was his addiction- it was lovely.
oh well- i have to remind myself sometimes i'm being honest in my recollections of how good it felt to be the center of his universe (my words here- he'd fall over and die if he said anything soooooo schmaltzy- ) but ya can feel it, can't you, when you're receiving devotion..
i'm also amazed at the rotten attitude he's had foryears now- that i've overlooked because of the smoking withdrawal - that just morphed into general (i guess now- in retrospect) unhappiness problems that were sooooooo neatly solved by cheating on me with a good old standby ow from olden days in the office.
a giant problem i have tho- is reconciling both together. knowing (because he very selfishlytand stupidly HAD to confess to me (letting himself off the guilt hook?) ) that he "had a "flirtation" with ow back 30 yrs ago and picked me" or so- he says "nothing happened". i can remember that time in our life- i had some wierd anxiety attack junk going on - couldn't put my finger on why i'd be feeling soooooo messed up- obviously now i see a "rift in the force" and i was picking up on "something" - never did really know wtf. i was so blindly trusting & devoted (always) . she left :& moved and i still stupidly did not put 2 and 2 togther. i still think now that he's probably cheated on me our entire life together - he denies it- i think he's lying. will this be the legacy of his cheating &lying- that i will never ever believe one thing out of his mouth for eternity?
it's the big problem with finding out the other person is a stinking liar. (even if i could (or do) attribute it to mlc- the lying existing waaay back then, and knowing now about it- brings into question the very soul and worth of that guy. DID I IMAGINE THAT???
it's a bigger problem than i'd ever thought could plague me..
oh well huh? where do the chips fall on this junk? it was both - even if i didn't know. i was loved for awhile and i was lied to also- and happy despite it because i so completely saw what i wanted to see- saw the good - etc.
maybe that's the downside of "cup half full". oh well.
as usual- it's un-en-tangle-able in life when dealing with people. maybe there ALWAYS is both.
i'm thinking of my mother saying one day- that she and my dad were talking about something and my dad said to her (about me as a kid) "what's wrong with her?" - i was not quiet and sweet natured. i was not an animal- we were standard issue - 1950s good kids. but it got me thinking - i always assumed my parents loved me and all of us. and wanted the best for us. i think my mom is jealous sometimes and thinks i have it "too good" and she's got it soooo bad & my older sister too.
so now, it's evidence that seems true about this business of both things existing side by side in life. people love ya and hate ya all the time maybe-
oh man- i'm making myself tired and need to quit thinking and go away and reorganize and shift around more crappola - ta da
i decided to put alot of great stuff i have around on craig list- some pretty things i don't really have use for- but save becasue "I may want to switch sometimes" to something different. china lamps? antique quilts? have trouble letting go of my "treasure" i've found :& "saved".
gonna go fight myu own addictions here- geeeeeez guys. howcome life isn't as stupidly easy as love this- love that - hate this- keep it- chuck it- etc??????
i'm sure glad i was totally happy for 60 years before i found out it all may have been "in my head". DO YOU GUYS THINK LOVE IS EVER AN OBJECTIVE STATE OR THING? OR IS IT ALWAYS JUST IN OUR HEADS?
XXOO HAPPY NEWQ YEAR AGAIN- I AM HOPING BIG THINGS FOR 2014.
(GOT up and put on makeup - but no call to work - wah) on the bright side- blizzard coming and even tho i'm feeling sad and haven't talked to h for almost four whole days which is about the longest we've ever not spoken- i cannot bring myself to call and say (as usual) hey, wtf is wrong with you that you can resist me and don't want to hear my voice????) giving him the chance to say he does?! he chose to begin HIS new year with OW and suddenly it seems sooooooo undoable- all of this...
i have no faith in him today that he would "fight for me" in the end. that he would let me slip away because he's lazy, wimpy? sooooo stupidly in love with some other jerk- that, if he could allow her to walk away or he walked away all that time ago- why in the world would he imagine it was the wrong decision now? he maybe confused and "wounded" somehow- but even a wishy washy - uh hem, i mean "flexible" and "liberal" person like me knows her stinkin mind and does what i do and know it was the right thing if it was myh big ole choice.
it is surely true "the bigger they come, the harder they fall"
