I'm moving on to this one partly because the old one's getting long, mostly because the title dated.
I suppose it's appropriate to start this with a "resolution" feel to it so here goes..
2014 will be better because: 1 - I'm healing. The pain is gone and now the stress & obsession is going to hit the curb as well. 2 - I now have the beginnings of a social life. Friends at work to hang out with on lunch breaks and coffee outings…Dance friends to go clubbing with and they're very interested in my happiness...As far as they're concerned, I should move on and get some FWB but they respect my choice. Gym friends to hang out with, spar and go get beers to watch UFC fights with…and it's only beginning. 3 - Finances *will* be resolved by mid year. I'm either getting the raise I need in March or I'm selling the house to pay off debts that are tying me down. If that needs to happen, I will not tell her it's all her fault even though it kind of is 4 - My fitness lifestyle is accelerating and I'm going to be ripped this summer. 5 - Detaching is the name of the game. I must focus on making my happiness independent of her actions…she had a huge social network, parties like it's 1999, may or may not be seeing someone but that's not my concern. I will become my own person, she'll either want to be a part of my life or she won't…decision is hers.
Thanks for the generous "ears" in 2013 and tolerating my mood swing rants, this is actually the only place I get to sound off…I know a few recent separated/divorced people, none of them want to repair their relationship. They're all moving on so when I say "I'd like to reconcile, maybe take couples counselling" they look at me like I have 2 heads.
Last edited by Cadet; 06/20/1511:06 AM. Reason: Links
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
2S2Q, I love the positive thinking, and hope that, no matter what happens, 2014 is a great year for you!! Thanks for all the input and support on my threads!
Even if your W is too blind to see it, all of us here know that you are a great guy, and you deserve every happiness that comes your way.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Well done 2s2q, it doesn't matter whether your friends think you have two heads because you want to reconcile. It's your choice. Great GAL stuff.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Well it's been quite a day. W came for New Years Day supper with the family as planned. We stayed late talking about things. Eventually it was late enough I put the kids to bed even though they're supposed to be at her place tonight.
We talked more and more, started hugging, eventually ML. I knew this wasn't a R so my hopes were kept low. We ended up talking, she said she had wanted to ML for a while but this changes nothing.
I'm disappointed but important things happened. We talked and she finally opened up. I'll keep those details out of this forum, but she did say she loves me still. She feels bad and said that if I could be split in two it would be better. One of me would take care of the things she can't handle anymore (kids, stress, etc. ) and another would be someone she'd live with.
She says she thinks of me always and isn't ready to let me go. I told her I still love her, I'm willing to give her space. I also told her that if she wants to talk or hang out, I'm happy to be there. No pressure, no expectations.
I didn't bring up her "friend". Knew that was a mistake.
In some ways I'm happy because this isn't about me or love for me. But on the other hand I see how she's not capable of having a relationship with me even if she wanted to. We have kids, we have a house and we have the ensuing chaos and that's not going away.
She said that if I have needs and can't continue to wait, it would hurt her but she'd understand. I told her that right now I'm working on me. Told her I've been unhappy with my personal state for a long time and that's what I'm on now, not a relationship.
So I suppose the answer is to maintain NC? Or maybe I should try to find a way to maintain some kind of R which is simply dating, light stuff so that we can continue attachments in a pace she can handle? I think NC is best for now.
I also need to accept that this is a long term problem. She loves me, has no problems with me but can't stay. It may only be a matter of time before she decides she needs someone else, someone who can be that person with no family, kids, house, stress stuff and just be a couple. That's very scary, it will hurt me to no end.
Does anyone know if there's a switch that turns off feelings for a person? I may need it.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Go figure. My wife wanted to ML today and she could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me. I know not to expect it again though. I'm glad someone else had a great day in this department too
In my situation, I put it down to listening, validating, giving her space and being friendly when we interact. Whatever you're doing is obviously working so keep your expectations down and keep doing whatever us working! Stay the course!
Me: 31, W: 29 T: 4 M: 2 Kids: 3 (SS: 7, SD: 4, D: 3) Separated, still living together: Nov 2013 Separate bedrooms: Feb 2014 W working away; kids with me: Nov 2014
sounds like you had a positive development in your own growth. My sitch is still very young. one month today. there is no OM in picture as of now, but she has her horses which is kind of the "affair" side of things. She just keep saying "need to find myself'. Seems just like your W in the sense that she can't seem to commit to the life we HAVE. I do know that a old neighbor of mine from back home separated from his W for 6 years until their children grew out of the teen years and the next phase of their life came. they maintained their marriage at 'arms length" and then reunited when the kids were older.
He told my mom that he just couldn't handle that stage together with his W under the same roof. But he was able to re-engage in the marriage after that and they were fine. Each has passed away now. sometimes I wonder about that in my own life.
I wonder if I will ever have a chance to be with my W again and if I did would it ultimately hurt more than help. Its been a number a months (2 months before she left and now the months that she's been gone) now so I've detached from her physically. I feel it might actually hurt me if we were intimate, because I do love her and want to be together. My heart would hope again. not sure how you guys can handle that level of connection and then disconnect again. I'm not sure I could. to me its so much more than physical. it really meant a lot to me emotionally in our life together. I don't think my W feels the same.
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
Well the disconnect is harder than it looks. I've fought myself several times wanting to contact her or get stressed wanting her to come back home. The trick is I knew from the beginning that we weren't changing things. I had hoped she would sleep over but I respect her decision to keep the kids from being confused.
We spoke quickly this morning after I dropped the kids off. She wished me a nice day at work and I jokingly answered that I would after last night. Her response was "don't remind me". It seems it was a difficult decision for her and she isn't comfortable with it right now.
I will limit contact for the next while to let her deal with her own emotions. Except though, I will be sending a text. I didn't acknowledge her concerns during the conversation, it should be done.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
