Wow, Linda. That was powerful stuff. You handled that so well, and with CHD! Talking to his sisters and mother in turn. If only everyone could be so dignified and respectful in such situations.
I remember when I first got here, following your sitch, remembering how angry I would get FOR you. How gracefully you were going thru it all.
How early I was in my sitch telling myself, I can do it too! As every turn of events for you I thought Rasputin (yes your husband) was possibly peaking around the corner from time to time. I honestly thought "just a little more time, and he's gonna snap out of it". I'm so sorry he didn't in time.
It was your story that helped me realize, that I just cant sit on my a@@ anymore. She's not coming back either. As we've been talking these last few days on that "other" site. You've sounded great, ready for it all, recharged in many ways.
I know for me, even thou I dropped my rope about a month ago, it felt sudden in some ways. It was, in a way, cause I needed to change my mindset completely from here on out. It becomes a different reality. I've had a month now to process how different things are actually going to be, and I started to laugh as myself, cause you know what, nothing is really different. I just don't have the piece of paper anymore.
Like all of us, I have my good days and my bad days. But at the end of everyday I tell myself its gonna be better than the life I was trying to make work, without success. Now I take life on, not let our lives hold me back. So much negativity before in our lives. Its time to bury that crud with yesterdays trash.
Sure as he!! can be intimidating at times. But know your loved by many of us here, and will continue to be as we all move forward our own way. Good Luck.
it was good to hear your voice today. you sure sound great with all of this and glad to have made your decision.
i'm really impressed and heartened to hear you say the time was rite & it all just happened and the words came rite out of their own volition. i worry now or then that i'll never get the heck "straight" here about what i want and what the heck i'm doing. you're given me faith (in the process???) or what.????
i can hardly believe that sweet little ole you did this huge 180 so completely and so quickly. it's kind of scary to hear you say that upon reflection, you feel you've been repressed by him like forever.
I cannot imagine his sitch working out with his rt. it seems sooo insane. particularly since he admits freely to you she's a b!tch and he doesn't think they could really make it work. insanity for sure.
man oh man- will be interesting to see this unfold. glad you're ok
RL just caught up. Tough decisions, gracefully made. Your MLCer is just nuts. I agree with all the other posters - he will have a tough time, and although it will be hard for you ultimately you really did not have a choice
hope 2014 is bright and offering you nothing but the best!
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
I hope to learn from the grace you've shown in your situation. Thank you for being such an inspiration to me. The way you handled your H, your inlaws, yourself.
I'm so glad you are choosing to let him go--mainly because I look forward to reading about the peace, contentment and happiness you achieve without this ugly, sad man weighing you down.
Lots of love and good wishes in this New Year!!!!
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I know that this decision did not come lightly, nor without some real sadness and pain.
I will not talk about your h or her because it is you I care about.
I want so much for this to be the year where you find you. Where you see what we all see - your strength and courage and dignity.
This is my wish for you, my friend. That everyday brings you closer to being the person you were meant to be. That you understand that you have the power to be whomever you choose and that you know the size of your amazing heart.
I will be here for you every step of the way -holding your hand and cheering you on.
Hi Rosa, I'm so glad to hear you are doing well. I'm confident you will do even better for yourself this year.
One thing I'd like to comment on:
Originally Posted By: RosaLinda
I remembered something that Ellie had asked me almost a year ago, whether my H is so nasty because he is MLC/Lyme disease crazy, or because he has been a defective person our whole married life. I immediately said how wonderful and loving he was, but I think I was re-writing, wishing for something that never really was there. We loved each other, and supported each other, and were best friends. We raised two kids together.
But he never made me feel special, beloved, cherished. He always, our whole married life, made me feel sort of small and useless. Stupid. Fat, unattractive, immature. His favorite put down is to call me a child. He rarely initiated marital relations, it was always me. I have been repressed by him our whole married life. He did not approve of the music I like (rock and roll is childish ) or of my family or clothes or hair. Even of my height.
Maybe there was a bit of re-writing then, and maybe there is now. Why do I say that? Because I've seen just about every other person facing D do the same thing.
I get that once we're "done" we need to justify our decision by saying the marriage was never right. But I also believe that there is no way people normally stay in a M for 2-3+ decades if nothing was right and there was no love. You did not question H's love every day back then. It was real.
I'm not saying this so you will second guess yourself. You made the right choice at the right time and need to stick to it. I just want you to feel good about all the good years you and H had together. They were not wasted years.
Also, never say never. Go ahead and get the mote and deadbolt... and a life preserver and knocker. You never know.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
We loved each other, and supported each other, and were best friends. We raised two kids together.
But he never made me feel special, beloved, cherished. He always, our whole married life, made me feel sort of small and useless. Stupid. Fat, unattractive, immature. His favorite put down is to call me a child. He rarely initiated marital relations, it was always me. I have been repressed by him our whole married life. He did not approve of the music I like (rock and roll is childish smile ) or of my family or clothes or hair. Even of my height.
You know, Forever Young, this doesn't sound like rewriting to me.
Sometimes those of us that have put the most effort into our relationships, have put up with a lot of negativity under the guise of "relationships take compromise" etc. We've overlooked a lot of bad behavior on the part of our spouses, thinking that this is just what you do in a marriage, focus on the good and ignore the bad.
And that's true, to a certain degree. But some of us, once we can get enough distance from the relationship, will come to realize that the WAS always had issues. In my case, despite 24 years of mostly quite good married life, I can see now in hindsight that my ex always kept the exit door cracked open, was never satisfied with me as I am, always had serious issues with dissatisfaction in many areas of his life (of which I was just one).
It's most noticeable to me since our divorce and I've been dating. It's sad to admit, but EVERY man I have dated since my divorce has treated me with more respect, and CHERISHED me more, than my ex ever did. Even though most of those relationships were relatively short-lived (I had a knack for picking love-avoidant guys or else guys who were too young for me), I know FOR A FACT that every one of those lovely men think that I am a real gem. (I still hear from all of them, and they've made sure I know this.)
Now I am finally dating a guy who is not TOO young (just 7 years younger) and is refreshingly NOT love-avoidant. He calls me his princess, takes care of me when I'm sick, cares for my family BECAUSE they're MY family (ex could barely conceal his disdain), and generally can't do enough to show me that he is here for me. And it DOES make me realize what I had been doing without for all those years.
) or of my family or clothes or hair. Even of my height.