My problem is, H is so far away and I can't ask about OW, so I have no idea if she is in the picture or not. If she isn't and I cut out ML, I hurt my sitch. If she is still around, and I don't stop the intimacy, I am letting him cake eat. I feel the same as you - he can't have us both, but how do I know?
What do you mean by this?
If your H isn't showing you that he is committed to your M then cut intimacy. I know that's hard.....I'd give anything for intimacy right now. But if there is no commitment then there should be no intimacy, unless that's not one of your boundaries?
If it isn't then what difference does an OW make? OW is just a symptom of the MLC, as much as withdrawal/spewing/spending, would you stop intimacy for them?
M32 H37 DD1 6 DD2 5 M6 T10 EA 31.08.13 Separated and H moved out 19.09.13 ILYBINILWY 23.09.13 OW 11.13
My H spends most of his time in India - building his new business dream. Our comm for weeks at a time is confined to texts and phone calls.
He gives every indication that he wants to work on the M but hasn't said so other than he changed his mind about wanting a D and more effort at comm. I have no idea what his commitment is and can't really judge by his actions since we are separated for so long by so much distance.
By avoiding R or OW talk, I have no idea what he is doing and if I ask I have no idea if what I hear about OW is the truth.
Thus, my dilemma of whether or not cutting off intimacy is the right move or not. I have no idea and don't know how to make that judgement from here.
Sorry, Tiger. Didn't mean to hijack your thread.
2T2M
Me: 59 and holding H: :53 Me: 1 S, 1 D, both grown M: 19 T: 23 BD: 9-23-2013
2times: Yeah, thats a good reminder to be prepared for a reaction.
I am sorry you don't have a better handle on what the OW status in your situation is. That must be really frustrating.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Callie's advice seems good though. As long as you are making sure to protect yourself from STDs, whether you have intimacy or not is really an individual decision. And really, if your H says he is willing to work on the relationship and you think he is, then it seems like asking directly about the role of an OW seems like it SHOULD be on the table.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Hey Heather. I am doing okay. No contact today, so that made is easy peasey.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
Hey Tl - glad to see you back on the board. I too was getting a little concerned - you had such a bad day before you went AWOL on us. Just want you to know I am monitoring your sitch.
Sounds like you are getting great advice and that you are getting stronger. Loved the way you handled the cuddling thing. Ya, it's hard not to want to do that (heaven knows I would love to have the opportunity) but you have to do it in order to send a very important message. And regarding the locked door incident, I agree, you don't owe him any more than the apology you gave. You sound like you are transforming into the person you need to be to get through this whole thing. You are starting to have more days of clarity and strength - a good sign - but don't beat yourself up when you have a down or emotional day. Just part of the process.
I wish not only you, but all of us in this crummy situation, to have a new year filled with self-found strength to deal with this stuff (Lord knows it ain't all gonna go away anytime soon), clarity in our decisions, and the faith in ourselves to survive this and live a much more balanced and whole life.
My prayers are with you my friend. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you.
Stop by my spot if you get a chance. Hang in there - you're doing great!
Me 59 H47 M12 T22 No kids BD&S Apr 2,2013 - ILYBINILWY Filed 2/12/14 OW 11/13 The Universe always strikes you at your weakest point because that’s what most needs strengthening." – Joseph Campbell
T-boned and everyone. Thanks for checking in on me. I feel like I am doing pretty well the past few days.
I will have to take some time to check in on everyone this weekend. I just haven't been online as much during the day recently.
So... a couple days without food and then Thursday (two days ago?) morning H showed up extra early in the morning... early enough that I realize he must have left "the other place" within minutes of or maybe even BEFORE the OW left for work.
He came into bed without even asking if it was okay or what I wanted. I guess he didn't want to give me the chance to say No this time. lol. He was VERY affectionate, held me tight, rubbed my back, kissed me on the back of the neck, put his fingers in my hair... eventually tried to kiss me ON THE MOUTH (that is not something he has voluntarily initiated for at least 2 months).
I asked him what he was doing. He said he was putting the moves on me. I said "under the current circumstances, no you are not." He said something like, "But don't you miss me? Don't you like this?" I said the backrub was really good and I love the way he holds me, but right now I can't just relax and enjoy any if it. All it does is make my head swim with questions I don't know the answers to, and maybe don't want to know the answers to... like if the way you are holding me right now is the way you hold her." I should have just stuck with the "because you aren't my boyfriend" line of response, but it is hard to think of these things when you are caught off guard that early in the morning!
He said he doesn't hold her like he holds me, he doesn't rub her back because she doesn't even like it for some reason. I said that's fine, I don't actually want to talk about her right now, I just have those kinds of thoughts and it bothers me. He got a little defensive then and pointed out I was the one who brought her up.
I admitted that yes, I brought her up, but wish I hadn't. I wish she never had to be a topic of discussion in our lives, but that wasn't my decision. He said something like "he didn't come home early to get lectured, he came home because he missed me a little." I told him I miss him too, but I am not interested anymore in being intimate with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me.
He said something about being confused and not really knowing what he wants. I said I understand he doesn't really know what he wants, but in this I know what I want, and it isn't settling for less than I deserve. So he said fine, he would leave me alone then and let me go back to sleep. (Needless to say, I did not succeed in going back to sleep... my mind spun for hours until I got up).
I kept up with the not cooking thing. The first couple days he went and ate out. Yesterday he made himself a PB and J sandwich. TODAY he made a lunch for all three of us. It kind of shocked me actually.
So I thanked him for lunch and gave him space and peace the rest of the day.
Trying to just give space, do my own thing. Emotionally I feel pretty strong at the moment. I am trying to STFU and have NO expectations... I am actually a little scared at the "positive" signs. I was prepared to see him go angry and distant and maybe even threaten to move out.
me-35 WAS-37 T-16 1/2 Son-14 (HF Aspergers) BD,ILYBINILWY,"I met my soulmate": Oct5,2013 "Letting go because I love him, holding on because I love him."
