wife hardens heart-6

[planet]

I talked to XW abot having the kids over Christmas eve and christmas.

She immediately became vicious. Said my mother and sister never treated her as family. I know she's hurting but my family never had any malicious intent.

I said they are also my family. I want to have my kids to spend Christmas with my family. Said I could stay overnight at her place instead.

I would never stay there while OM also is there. She has lost her mind.
Why would any one even allow that?

I wont start arguing with her. Not in front of my kids.

I just left.

She's impossible.

[labug]

Christmas Eve AND Christmas is again, a big expectation.

I would be willing to bet that most parents on this board would balk at that.

She has full custody. I have unrestricted visitation with reasonable notification

Is this a common custody order where you live?

Are holidays not spelled out in the custody order?

I talked to XW abot having the kids over Christmas eve and christmas.

How did you ask? What words did you use?

Perhaps you should ask for just a little more than what you think you can get and then negotiate. What exactly did she say? What does vicious mean to you? Did you negotiate at all?

I don't know the history with your family but it sounds like even you agree that they behaved badly. Lots of people say hurtful things and then retreat to "I didn't mean anything bad." That doesn't make it hurt less.

It could take your W a very long time to get over that, if she ever does. You have to figure out how to make the custody work for you in light of that.

I'm not making excuses for your W, just the facts.

If the best you can do this year is stay very late on Christmas eve and be at the house very early on Christmas morning, then be there.

I hope you will have a good Christmas.

[planet]

Christmas Eve AND Christmas is again, a big expectation.

I would be willing to bet that most parents on this board would balk at that.

Not XW. She's not a christian. Christmas don't matter to her. Chinese New Year is a bigger event for us. Now that's a big headache.

Is this a common custody order where you live?

Are holidays not spelled out in the custody order?

Yes. Our system favours the mother. There's no 50/50 custody here either. There are lobby groups but so far there's not much progress.

No. We did not discuss any holiday arrangement.
After all, I did get the best possible visitation right in the agreement. Believe me, it is the best considering what other divorced fathers got.

How did you ask? What words did you use?

Perhaps you should ask for just a little more than what you think you can get and then negotiate. What exactly did she say? What does vicious mean to you? Did you negotiate at all?

I asked softly not in a demanding voice. She was very mean and was quite threatening throughout.
M: Regarding the holidays, can I have the kids for Christmas eve and Christmas? I'll send them back home late in the evening.
XW: Where are they going to sleep?
M: My place.
XW: No.
M: Why not?
XW: I will not let your mother and sister touch them. (baring fangs, I kid you not)
M: C'mon. They are my family as well as theirs (kids)
XW: They've never treated me as family.
M: I just want to spend Christmas with them (kids)
XW: You can stay overnight.
M: I don't want to.
XW: No. You can't take them back.

Doesn't sound like I negotiated at all, huh?

I don't know the history with your family but it sounds like even you agree that they behaved badly. Lots of people say hurtful things and then retreat to "I didn't mean anything bad." That doesn't make it hurt less.

I have lay out some of her gripes.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2374486#Post2374486
Again, I don't think it was done with malicious intent to hurt XW but I now realized I should have backed XW no matter what.

It could take your W a very long time to get over that, if she ever does. You have to figure out how to make the custody work for you in light of that.

I'm not making excuses for your W, just the facts.

I don't know labug. I just don't know.
XW has threaten to commit suicide if I ever take the kids to meet my family. I'm not sure if it's a just a threat or she would do it. I'm leaning towards the latter.

She didn't want my kids near them but I asked for a timeline for her to cool down. She wanted 3 years but I put it at 1 year. She agreed.
It was very early after BD that this was hatched out and I was in a daze. It was stupid of me to do that. I shouldn't have agreed to anything at all.
Later, she wanted this restriction in the joint agreement as well but was shot down by the L as it was an impossible request.

If the best you can do this year is stay very late on Christmas eve and be at the house very early on Christmas morning, then be there.

I hope you will have a good Christmas.

I have made plans with the kids. Not going to stop me anyhow.

You have a wonderful Christmas too. Thank you for everything.

[planet]

Just done what I'd imagine would be near impossible for me accept for the moment.
I went to visit my kids after work and OM was there. It was raining and I couldn't take the kids out in such weather so I was left with no choice. I just went in and spend almost an hour there.

xMIL was there well which is surprising as she's usually back at her own home on fridays. With her around, it was less awkward.

I guess this what I have to accept from hereon. Don't like it one bit.
I don't know if this is a wise thing to do or not. Was it completely irrational?

[labug]

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.:)

It seems that with the custody laws in your country, you did get more than the usual amt of time with your kids. Take advantage of that as much as you can. Your W's boyfriend, and you can start to think of him as that, isn't your problem.

Start practicing negotiating with XW now on little things. If you don't get what you want, try again the next time. Take it in small steps.

Over time, this R with your XW is gong to change, you really have control (unless you has a mental illness) of how that goes.

[planet]

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.:)

You are absolutely right. Make the best with what you have.
I love this quote!

Sometimes, I wish I could unlearn the things I have learned here. It's easier to hate and be bitter.
But Life is complicated. There's no easy path. Better to choose a path which forgives and loves. That's DB.

Start practicing negotiating with XW now on little things. If you don't get what you want, try again the next time. Take it in small steps.

Will do.

Over time, this R with your XW is gong to change, you really have control (unless you has a mental illness) of how that goes.

Hopefully so.
Thanks.

[planet]

My situation has taken another big turn. How many BS does one have to take shoved down their throat?
OM have moved in permanently. He had my desk moved to the guest room to use. At this rate, I'm going to bet those two will get married soon after XW and I receive our divorce cert.


Got a confession to make.
Had a fun gathering with some old school mates on sat. Lost track of the time and had roughly about 40 minutes to pick up my girls. Left the party and decided to return home to drop off something. My brother and his GF was there and we ended up chatting. By the time I realized the time, it was pretty late so I texted XW and said I wasn't coming over.
XW gave me a piece of her mind and rightly so. Felt so guilty about my kids so I called XW to give me some time to come over but she was so upset that she refused to listen. I deserved it. My kids don't.


On one moment of vulnerability a few weeks back, I told my sis about OM. She didn't say anything much and wasn't angry nor upset over this issue. For a moment there, I asked myself if she's family at all. Why aren't she upset for her brother?
She acted admirably. Never said anything bad about XW as if she understood XW.
Fast forward to last week. My mom asked about XW's BF. To my horror, I didn't know what to answer. I told her to keep this to herself as I did not speak to her about OM. I asked my sister and she confessed that she told mom, bro and her BF. I immediately asked her to never speak of this to anyone again.
My fault. I should have told her to keep this to herself earlier.
Right now, I should do some damage control.

[labug]

planet, the reality of your current situation is your XW and she is that even tho the D isn't completed has a BF and he lives with her. He's been there for a while. Why are you now surprised that he's there "permanently"?

Were you hoping she would have second thoughts maybe? Would you really want her back and if so, what makes you want her back.

Stay out of the family drama as much as you can.

[planet]

I don't know. I haven't had any time to breathe and things just moves too fast. My head spins. I haven't had any time to detach on my own timeline and I find myself having to deal with OM there on weekdays while I spend time with my kids. He stays overnight on weekends for a month and now it's weekdays also.

Maybe it's because Chinese New Year is coming soon. I remember XW and I invited OM over for dinner last year. We were still husband and wife then. Haven't fully accepted my situation.

I understand that WAW don't change their stance this soon. It's only been 6months after BD. I still harbour hope that she will return to me.
What I want most is an intact family with both biological parents and our kids living happily together.

[planet]

I got into a conversation with my cousin regarding my D.
He went through his D a couple of years ago and our situation is pretty similar. His W left him and he resisted signing a D petition for 2 years. His WAW is still harboring resentment even after 3 years. We agreed on a lot of things especially on relationships.

What I noticed about him was he 'changed' into a different person. He used to be quiet and shy. Now, he's all buffed up. Put on tight shirts and had just one earring. Kind of 'soft'. Hangs around with a similar type of male friends.

Many of us in the family suspected that he 'changed sides'. I mean does anyone really change sexual orientation after traumatic experiences?