Hey Busting, just wanted to say i'm reading along and thinking of you and your kids.
Re your last post, IDK... I feel like my XH is too confused and in turmoil to be sure of anything. And he switches like the wind. I don't think we can be sure of anything in regards to them. Nor is there any point in trying to figure their thinking out. My XH just seems addled.
From my reading of what ex-mlcers say, they just have to run away. They can't explain it, they just know they have to get away. They are worried and scared, sure and unsure, certain and uncertain. It's the script.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
busting, I am going to read above thread too. I think my h has his moments of niceness because I am nice to him. I think he does feel sad/bad about the turmoil he has caused(not enough though to do anything about it) I have noticed when he is nice he will quickly backtrack so as not to give me any hope.
Do you work in country where you presently live? Is your job something that you could do if you were to say move to Europe or another place?
If you and kids move to another place, how much more or less would your h see them?
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Hi job thank you for the link- it did help me understand a bit more on why they run. It's so hard keeping the faith and belief in H sometimes. The depth of the crisis is masked so well. I want to reach out and reassure him and I know I any right now- and of course the OW issue is always a battle within myself. I understand intellectually what she represents to him, yet my emotions are still hurt and scared by it. It's a daily hourly battle and I have learned a lot of strategies to cope with my emotions that has been my only source of relief with this aspect of the crisis.
H is still talking to her. Not as much- not as intense. He told his sister before Christmas that it's almost over. His sister sees a lot more positives with H in general and with me as well. I do too but am very wary of it because I know OW is still in the picture. I understand that ending an affair is not always easy- a slow process for some... Weaning off an addiction. My thoughts are that he may be trying to maintain a friendship with her or simply is not ready to let go. That is his fear I know and his need to feel in control.
Then the dark voice starts in my head 'it's all a scam, don't believe what you are seeing or hearing or reading, be afraid' and my faith waivers... My mood drops.
I suppose he and her are both afraid- and are hanging on to eac other for dear life. If he has stated to disconnect from her, she will be fighting hard for him.
I keep my expectations as low as possible- mostly at zero and this has been very helpful in warding off fear. I keep thinking though - what is it about me that would attract me back to him? I had low self esteem to begin with and this crisis pushed my self worth underground. I have learned a lot about validating myself throughout this and trying to love myself and value my worth. I felt so easily replaced and disposed of - the family as a whole- it's hard for me to see why he would come back. I guess I don't know what he values anymore. And I often find myself feeling like a child - afraid of making him angry again. Feeling invisible.
I pray that H is coming through and I understand this will take more time and patience. I have never faced anything so deep as this crisis- I have learned so much about myself, love, giving love, needs and wants, my children and my other relationships . I am thankful for that - I am grateful for that. I too, I was a list soul before this happened.
I have has several more positive observations about H. Some even about me- but he is not there yet. I feel it in my gut. I come in and out of his posture of the family as a whole- but not in his picture of me and him. I am not in it yet- if ever again.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Thank you of your post. Yes I do work and I could do it in another country ( I am a college counsellor and business teacher). If I were to move h would see much less of the kids than he does now. He made the decision to move geographical locations and create this distance and I don't know if I could do that to the kids once again ... Like I mentioned before to me- that would happen when I have left h in the past and started to look for a new partner and father figure for the kids. H would become the 'see them at Christmas and maybe in the summer' kind of dad.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Looking At old photos of the family tonight with everyone. Pictures of h and his mum before she passed away. How much pain they all experienced with such loss. I feel so sad for h. So sad for his loss ...
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Happy new year DB friends! Love and peace to all in 2014!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
How are you doing now that the holidays are fading away into the sunset?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I’ve been reading all along. Don’t let the “dark voice” in your head to take over. I’m pretty sure that the rumors about OW are true, especially that he said it himself. Ending it with OW doesn’t mean that he will immediately turn to you. I bet it would feel good for you though.
I understand your position about moving. Take your time and process your feelings first.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
