Wife Said She's Done - Pt. 2 ..and Still Hopeful

[paul19510]

if you are upset, perhaps its not bad to say so. there's more than one way to say if you're not feeling well. W already knows you're not feeling well. So telling W you're fine, but then not actually feeling fine is very transparent. we're not trying to "trick people into doing things" Just be yourself. A good self, a better self for yourself that includes saying things like, "....feeling tired or frustrated and not sure why....going to get out for a while and work it out. no worries...cya later..." that's just my two cents. I'm not expert. I know I'm guilty of the same behavior. It didn't help me at all

[OneDay]

Alright Honesty it is then.

You see, I get nervous because she always gets on me about the things I'm not doing. Or doing the way she wants them done. It always seem to be an argument about who was right or who was wrong. I've never been really good at responding to difficult question at the spur of the moment. I usually regret things that I say after I've had time to think about it. Just answered my on question. If something comes up that I'm not comfortable answering. I'll just say let me think it over a bit and I'll get back with you.

I'm gonna be cool and collect. I'm going to listen. Im going to be honest. I'm not going to start an argument or let her start one.

Positivespin. I do about 200 push-ups in sets of 15 A combo of decline. Flat and various levels of incline.

Wish me luck guys. Im still so nervous around her.

[paul19510]

Try to remember that this is a person you married and have 2 kids with. not the loch ness monster LOL. be in control of YOU. If you do that and take care of YOUR needs and act with integrity, you have a better chance that things in any given exchange will be better. Its OK to take a breather and say, I'm not sure how I feel about that. Or I feel mad or anxious or sad and I don't understand it. Can you give me a few minutes and I'll be right back? (this btw is approaching true sharing and intimacy) Then show up when you said you would as an act of good faith. BTW don't overuse the idea. Like if you W says do you want Italian or Chinese for dinner...? Don't get all thoughtful about it.

Be Courteous, consistent and confident. You're letting her ideas or your perception of them rule your thoughts. What if she were gone (magically...not anything bad) tomorrow. Who would you be? what would you do???

[labug]

^^good stuff^

[OneDay]

Well it all came out tonight and I have to admit I stayed very compsed and confident . I used eye contact and validated what she said. I DBed my ass off and I'm feeling pretty darn good.

She brought up our joint up checking accts and how she is concerned about what I'm spending (which has never been an issue). I asked what she would like to do about it as I could tell she was concerned. We talked a little about splitting the acct but she didn't know how that would work as to who would pay what n how we would split the mortgage, bills etc ( I didn't even respond after that comment)

She brought up the D and our attorneys. She admitted to me that she had no idea nor did she see the papers that were served to me. She said I just let attorney handle it all, that's his job. I honestly think she has no clue what to expect. She flat out said. I don't know I've never been through this before and there is so much legal aspects involved here. It took everything I had to hold it in. I did have to interject and I don't really care If it goes against DBing. But I said I honestly think we can handle this D ourself through mediation without paying for attorneys. She kind of agreed and I said think it over and get back with me.

Now, she's a Smart women. But she is acting so dumb with this D and the attorneys. She has no clue what's going on with the D or her attorney(only that he has 35yr exp so she should trust him) She said she only talked to him a few times n let him handle the rest. I asked her if she knew what her attorney was asking for and her response was NO I haven't seen anything, why what's he asking for??? I couldn't / can't believe she is handeling this so carelessly.

She also brought up that she feels I'm trying to push her buttons by not helping as much as I use to with the household chores. Also that I've been taking off a lot doing ur own thing and leaving most of the chores for her. I attempted a 180 with the chores as I use to do a lot and then last week started slacking. Obviously she noticed and didn't like it all. Gonna have to backtrack here I think.

It honestly feels like she jumped into this so quickly and doesn't know what she want or what to expect out of this (even child custody) It's as if she's going to let her attorney and the court determine her fate.

Be Courteous, consistent and confident. You're letting her ideas or your perception of them rule your thoughts. What if she were gone (magically...not anything bad) tomorrow. Who would you be? what would you do???

I have been doing that. My perception is killing it. That last sentace completely summed up what this whole journey is all aboutt. Others have said similar but this really hit home for me Thanks.

[S4tk]

No More Mister Nice Guy or N.U.T.s. They are similar to one another. Read one of them soon.

Here is the reason. You are trying to stuff everything in. And then you get resentful. Your W picks up on it.

The N.U.T.s book is about determining your non-negotiables. After you do that, you are freed up a bit from resentment. Why? By knowing your non-negotiables as a man, you can decide whether something has been compromised.

So wife went out and slept at girlfriend's house. [At least that is the story - so we will trust it.] If it goes against a non-negotiable in your life, then you calmly lay the boundary down and let her know about it. But, if it doesn't go against one of your non-negotiables (which I imagine is more likely the case) then you are freed up to simply accept it, or ask her how her night was, or let it go, detach, etc.

Why did her action cause such emotion from you? I would probably be tempted to respond in a similar passive-aggressive way but this is your situation, not mine.

[paul19510]

I think it's great that you changed things up around the house. I too do a lot of the stuff here while my W tends to her horses. horses first family last. I don't think that's the right order, but she does. that was a real deal breaker for me.

My DB coach reminded me, that my W is stepping back and not acting as a W right now. So, its OK to step back and NOT BE LIKE a HUSBAND right now.

My W actually left some dirty laundry behind when she changed here after work to do her barn chores a few days after we separated (I'm sure it was just habits). I put the clothes in a bag and brought them out to her vehicle the next morning with some mail she had. she looked stunned. If I am a H then I'd do the laundry and she'd help. but she moved to her parents and we only talk about essential topics right now. So, I'm not really a H at the moment am I?

Again I'm not an expert, but she can't expect much more from you at the moment than what a conscientious room mate might do. Don't be a slob, don't be a jerk....but, YOU are not really her H at the moment. So take care of you and the kids and be respectful, but that's all Make sense?

[paul19510]

one more thing. do what you feel comfortable doing. be a partner, but remember, until she decides you are to stay married and ACT MARRIED she doesn't get to have the full benefits of a doting Husband. Even if you stay together maybe you'd agree more sharing of chores would be better anyway. just my two cents. I'm separated at the moment so, I'm for from perfect at this

[labug]

How do you want to handle the D? You don't know what she really knows, you know what she says. Unless her attorney is Saul (Breaking Bad reference, sorry) I would think they had a sit down before she signed anything.

Besides, she just wants to be done.

About the household chores, how is not doing what you've agreed to do for the good of your household which includes you and your kids, a 180? You wrote a post last week or so, that said you and wife worked together, split the running of the household, etc.

I don't care if you do chores or not, I don't think that's going to save your marriage but the thought process behind this action or inaction, is what needs to be explored.

If you and a friend were in business 50/50, he's in charge of sales, you're in charge of manufacturing. You and friend have a falling out about a personal issue, maybe Friend thinks you're cheap because you never pick up the tab for dinner. You argue. You think you're right and of course Friend thinks he's right.

Friend feels angry, hurt, disrespected, whatever and starts slacking in his responsibilities in the business.

What would your thoughts on that be?

[labug]

What I wrote might seem like a 2x4 but it's not meant to be that. People seem to think that but I try to be straightforward, get to the point, ask questions that make you think.

I feel for both you and your W because I've been through similar, very similar.

But you're the one here and as you said, you're all over the place. That's why I asked if you had addressed why you drink and by that I meant, within your own heart. Do you have empathy for what your W and sons went through during your drinking time?

Is your IC helping you with figuring out who you are, who you want to be, what you were avoiding with the alcohol, helping you fix that broken piece?

I think there's a good guy in there trying to get out.