Separation, divorce, help to not lose hope/faith

[Pampkin]

Hello, everyone. I am new here. I don't know what else to do and I need the advice and encouragement from people who understand what I am going through.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He said he wanted a D in October due to me being unfaithful 9 years prior. The infidelity lasted 2 weeks and there was no sexual involvement other than kissing. I never did see or speak to the guy again. I thought that we were OK since it happened so long ago and that we were able trust and work through our problems. Through the years, H said that we were never the same. Because of my involvement with the other guy, sex he thought was never the same (although we had sex almost every day). Lack of communication and trust in the marriage was always present. I always thought that everything was fine, but I was wrong! He said that he could no longer go on living like this, that he cannot forgive and forget. He needed to end this M.

I moved out of the house and have been living in our condo for over a month now. At first, I cried, begged, and pleaded. I did everything that I know I was not supposed to do. I have done the 180s and we get along better now, maybe because I try not to be an emotional wreck around him. We work together so we see each other often. We still hang out, have dinner, and see movies. We still hold hands, kiss, and say "I love you." We spent Thanksgiving, Christmas, and NYE with friends and family. From the outside looking in, we are a beautiful couple and no one would guess that we're on the verge of a D. We have not told anyone about the D yet. I don't think it's ambivalence on his part, but H doesn't want people throwing in their two cents and meddling in our affairs.

H said that this M can't be saved and that he will always love me. He said that could possibly see us together in the future, but he can't say for certain, because if he did have any hopes of R now, he wouldn't be going through with the D. I am so confused. I want so much to save my M, but H doesn't want to so I don't know how. I feel so hopeless. I feel like I have no other choice but to throw in the towel. I believe he has already contacted the lawyer. Since we don't have children and I am not contesting anything, it should be a speedy D. He said that R will not happen in this marriage, but if we were to R, it will be a new "US". So if there is no hope for this M, how can I keep the love alive and not lose faith or hope that R can be in our future?


H: 43
W: 31
Married: 10 yrs
BD: 10/6/2013

"Hearts are not had as a gift but hearts are earned
By those that are no entirely beautiful"
-William Butler Yeats