Look what the cat dragged in! (TL) - Act 3

[CallaghanClown]

^^^^^agreed. I've been feeling detached then BAM a quick smack in the teeth and I feel like I've hit rock bottom again.

Get back up and fight on. It's all you can do.

[TryingToDo180]

I've felt like this in the past as well. Your WAS know that you are not under their control anymore, so they try to get the control back. With me once my H knew he wasn't pushing my buttons anymore, he tried harder by threatening D or getting me to sell the house. Of course, neither of these things have happened yet You have to be strong, whatever life throws at us. That also comes with time.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Tiger,

Haven't had an update in a while. Hope you are doing okay.

2t

[tigerlily78]

I am fine, just processing. The last few days were a little loopy.

Saturday evening H emailed me to let me know he made other plans, so I couldn't do laundry on Sunday after all, he would only be here at the house for a short while. It made me very angry and annoyed. So I texted him back not to bother coming here. I was going to lock the second locks on the door and did not want to see him. I am already "accommodating" his seeing another woman more than I should have to by PLANNING laundry and shopping and other things around their plans, so him changing his plans last minute is really rude.

He showed up anyways Sunday, but he couldn't get in. No one let him in. He apparently changed his plans again after I texted him and would have been here for me to do laundry after all, but by that point it was too late in my mind. He should have thought about my plans in the first place. He spent his day walking around alone and skating at the new skate park.

Later he emailed me and said he didn't realize the laundry was a big deal. So I explained to him why it was a big deal to me. (PLANS. And no clean underwear... no one else in the house has half as many pairs of socks and underwear as he has to get them through 2 weeks without laundry)

Monday morning when he tried to come home to get ready for work, the 2nd locks were still locked for some reason. I SWEAR I unlocked them. I almost think my son noticed they were unlocked and locked them again, but he says he didn't. Maybe I am just losing my mind. Maybe the brownies did it, who knows.

So Monday he comes home and the doors are locked and instead of knocking or calling me on my cell or anything, he began to attempt to kick in the door that comes in from the garage. Ugh. So needless to say, neither of us started the day off in a good mood. He asked why the doors were still locked, and I said I didn't know. I thought I had unlocked them and apologized and said I was going back to bed for awhile.

An hour later he came to the room and asked if I wanted him to come into bed with me. I told him no, I was fine. Later in the day he sent me a worksheet for figuring out child support via email.

I emailed him back that I thought that was an interesting decision. To try and crawl in bed with me this morning, and then send me child support worksheets in the afternoon.

He writes: "Whatever the amount of the child support would be, I don't think it entitles you to lock me out of my house.

I asked to gauge your mood and to see if you had regrets. I sometimes have regrets, but you convince me I am on my own as much as you can."

I basically wrote back that again, it wasn't my intention for the doors to be locked Monday, and by doing so on Sunday I felt I was avoiding a confrontation because I was very disappointed and upset with him. That I would have liked for him to come into bed, but I no longer feel it is appropriate for me to be cuddling with him in bed when he is someone else's boyfriend.

That I do have many regrets myself, and they are mine to learn from and address, just as his regrets should be his own to learn from and act on. And that I am sorry he feels like he is "on his own," but he has CHOSEN to be "on his own" with someone else. He has created a situation where my goals and needs and his goals and needs are diametrically opposed, so I have to be there for MYSELF right now. That I wish we could be working together to make things better for both of us, but right now there is an elephant in the room that prevents that from being possible.

That honestly, I feel like up to this point I have been doing things for him that still give me this sense that I am his "wife", but I'm not his wife or girlfriend anymore. And doing so feels like I am enabling him in a decision I don't support, and it is emotionally damaging for me. I can't continue to do it. I don't want to take care of someone else's boyfriend. I told him as a friend I will help him learn the skills he needs to take care of himself, if he wants that. That then he will be more free to be with whoever he wants, or by himself if that's what he prefers. But I just can't keep letting myself play this role of "wife" to someone who doesn't want to be a husband in return... it's just too hard.

He closed his email by saying I am a bad role model for bitching and yelling in the hallway about our situation. (I have already admitted this and have made much improvement over the past week). And that "changing his life for the better" doesn't make him a bad role model.

So I repeated that I agree, bitching and yelling does make me a bad role model and it is something I continue to work on. I replied that it is a very admirable thing to want to change your life for the better, but there are a lot of ways to go about it. But leaving your family for another woman is not one what I can endorse, and not one that I think most people would find very admirable. There are plenty of other methods and experiences he could have sought out to change his life for the better that I would have been very supportive of, so it's really unfortunate that he felt this was his only option.

[tigerlily78]

Sunday while he was "off" I managed to talk a friend into picking son and I up and letting us dry a load of laundry at their house. And we were invited to stay for dinner, so that was nice. So... I have clean underwear for the week. Woo hoo.

Monday afternoon I walked to the grocery and used a little bit of a gift card I got to get some staples. H called me while I was there and asked where I was and if I wanted a ride home. I explained that I was at the grocery and I didn't mind walking.

I did offer to make H dinner Monday night as a peace offering for the door situation. He asked "what's dinner going to cost me?" I said nothing, that it was a token to make up for locking him out and that was it.

I haven't made him any food since Monday dinner. He keeps going out and eating Subway or something (as I suspected he would).

I don't know what's going to happen with laundry and grocery shopping and crap coming up. H still sees this all as a "competition" I think. So stupid and immature.

I am at the point where if he just stopped being an [censored] and went to live with the OW, I'd still feel like a winner. I am just tired of all the contentious bullcrap.

[TryingToDo180]

Good for you So you wouldn't go to bed with him, so he threw his toys out of the pram. So like an MLC would do, all part of the script lol. Why can't he just accept it was a mistake to lock him out and move on, typical negative attitude.
My H still has a key here and when I lock the door I leave the keys in. He's been ok about this though, he knows why I do this because I don't want him coming in whilst I'm still in bed.

[2Times2Many]

Hi Tiger. So glad you checked in. I was beginning to worry a little.

So typical in MLC ... you point how rude or disrespectful they are behaving and they turn it around to something that is wrong with you ... that you are a bad role model.

Nice the way you answered .... yes I am working on that and then relating that his way of seeking change was unacceptable to you.

And not cuddling seems to be a little new for you. If I recall, you usually enjoy that. Glad you said no, that you were fine. That's just reinforcing that his behavior with OW is unacceptable. And, again, typical response - kind of like "you hurt my feelings by rejecting me so I will find a way to hurt you back."

I am wishing for a much better year for you as well as all of us dealing with our spouse's visit to La-La land.

[CallaghanClown]

Looks like you are taking steps towards detachment. No more of these dinners.....you know you don't need to show him you are sorry. You made a mistake, you said sorry, you won't do it again....end of.

[tigerlily78]

2times: Yes, I miss the cuddling. But I realize now it is only helping me in the short term. I don't like the implied message it sends that what he is doing is okay to me in any way shape or form. He can't have us both. He can't possibly think it is normal to break up with someone and want to spoon them, when you are actively dating someone else. :P

[2Times2Many]

I know exactly what you mean. In your shoes, I would definitely cut out the intimacy.

My problem is, H is so far away and I can't ask about OW, so I have no idea if she is in the picture or not. If she isn't and I cut out ML, I hurt my sitch. If she is still around, and I don't stop the intimacy, I am letting him cake eat. I feel the same as you - he can't have us both, but how do I know?

In your case, although it is hard (believe me, I know) I think you are making the right decision. You've laid down a boundary. That's great. Just be prepared for his reaction. If you can let his anger or his retaliation roll off you (or at least let him think you're not affected), he may eventually stop trying to "hurt you back."