It is well with my soul

[Cadet]

Oh I have been MIA from your thread and missed out on the fireworks.

Just catching up and I think you did fine.

They are truly crazy and you can only LET THEM GO and hope that someone else comes along with a 2x4 and knocks them in the head.

It may or may not happen but keep living your life, is the best I can say.


((((((HUGS))))))

[nero]

hey hi-

i just lost my big ole "thoughtful" response letter- this laptop is gonna kill me. but it does boot up faster & i can sit and look at tree &lites...

i'm so glad you had a great holiday and laughed and had fun. we had a good one too- you and I are waaay more detached i think than we know. you definitely- and me, less "wounded" for sure. (and nary an "expectation" in sight - other than a healthy realization of all the possible bad outcomes looming- but not feeling fear - and maybe even feeling acceptance ) ta da...

i hope your eye procedure goes well and produces a good result. it's sure been a long haul with your poor little eyes.

so yay us - survived another Christmas and even had an good time in there - i am hoping 2014 is a good year. last year was such a sinkhole- too much trouble and sickness and death. 2014 has got to be better than THAT. RITE??? ONWARD y& UPWARD HUH.

now that i'm back - let me think- oh yeah-

your h hiding out during family party. maybe it's for the best in the long run. we've had some real jerky times here when people were here - and h sat rite there in the middle like a big old stone LUMP and DIDN't participate. ... it's soooo childish and embarassing for everyone- . apparently he was unable to see how boorish his behavior was - making only him look like a jerk. oh well- apparently he had no desire to "put a good face on it" and behave like a person - for me or my friends or family. (selfishness - sorry to say) his family- all charm and smarm - no matter what. (and these are step-relatives he yapps on and on about not caring about!) go figure. he's totally deluded about his own attachments & emotions.

oh yeah- just hearing that out loud- totally deluded about selves and actions. i guess that says it all huh?

anyway- still working away on my own patience & detachment in face of what i'd call h & mom's addiction to poking me to see if they can still get a "rise". they've got too much anger & edge for it to be "teasing". it used to be - maybe it's me- who the heck knows or cares.

HEY - I REALLY LIKE knowing about other grandma's boyfriend. it's true i do believe- there is love out there - if you are lucky enough to run into it and know it when yhou see it. ya know what ray says: "love will find you" - i sure hope he's rite.

we gotta keep our eyes open- just in case . i believe it can be anywhere and all sorts of people find someone- something.

fingers crossed for that in 2014. i was chatting with my cousin divorced three years now. she got me thinking with her comments about on-line dating. she's pretty "executive" , organized - kind of woman. (younger than me -maybe 40s?)exec. at j & j - competent. anyway- she said she gave it a whirl, but feels it's rather "staged" all the time and not like real life and spontanaiety. sounds reasonable to me. i'm not sure i am ready for it, honestly. i'm still hoping that like olden days- if you're meant to find someone- you just do, somewhere in your life - it happens.

oh man- pollyanna - still alive and well in there- clawing her way out of the ole well-

anyway- she also commented that she's feeling a bit dispirited and that when she got divorced three years ago she was alot more optimistic. i feel bad about that- i wonder what she expected? she's pretty "take charge" kinda gal- perhaps she figured you apply all the successful business and management principles to your own private life and produce results - like in the office. just guessing. oh well- everyone has their "road" to follow - huh? will visit with her sometime thismonth and see what she's got to offer.

i got nothin- took a long time sayin it didn't I. by my self this morning- it's too quiet- oh well. who knows, maybe i'll really surrender and get a puppy.

reading yet another good book - found by accident when helping niece in library - "the geography of bliss" by e. weiner. actual travel accounts of going to cultures where people are living a good quality life and have been shown to be the "happiest" places on earth. it's good- he's rather "bill bryson"-ish- readable. let me see if i can find something to share:

well, can't find the actual place, but there was a bit about people who percieve themselves as pretty happy (and therefore are pretty happy) and that happy people remember the good things in their lives and unhappy people remember things more accurately.

something like that- makes ya wonder . i guess it's back to pma and cup half full. i guess it's true - perspective is everything.

oh well- I am a woman determined to be happy in 2014 signing off. gonna go sew for pleasure for a bit- begin thinking of doing this new year right - .

doh de doh- this woman on her "journey" - any "destination" in sight- ???? ya gotta wonder

xxoo glad you're doing great

[ForeverYoung]

Nero, what were the terms of your cousins M and D? Who initiated it and how long did they hold out?

Never mind online dating. If it comes down to it, I'm shopping for a mail order bride. The catalogs look nice.

There's no love like puppy love. I advise you get one already.

Linda: Keep singing girl. Make your dreams happen.

[nero]

you know,

let me say up front i'm a very bad question asker- i feel like it's prying and i just letpeople just talk away when they're venting or needing to "get it out" -

i think about four or fivve years ago she just noticed h was "cold" and not really participating. she kept saying he didn't even ask about her day when she got home from work - and she could feel the disconnect and thought she didn't want to spend her life like this. i think she scratched hr head and wondered for a year (maybe - not even that long i believe) and then discovered or asked and found out that he was "seeing " someone from his health club. i think she just gfound out and said, right then, i'm outta here or you get out of here.

i think it was her decision and he didn't argue. i don't think she mentioned "trying" or standing or anything like that. i don't think it ever occurred to her to do anything other than what would happen in a movie. she decided it was over and bought him out of their house - and proceeded to go it alone. i know she was distraught.
\
but shes not a whiner or a "folder" , so she just went right on being single and tryng to get out there like mad. once last year when i was saying what the heck we all were trying to do with db - she said perhaps she was too hasty to chuckit all. as mwd said - if you do the big ultimatum - they'll leave.

it's sad - it's even sadder to think she has doubts now . who can know if it would have been any different in the end? i pointed that out. i'd hate to promote her notion that she rushed into things . she reacted like her- that's all i guess.

is that what you mean by "terms"?? i think she was the higher earner and had a house at first that he moved into - and after a couple years they got a bigger one- idk how it all split up. she'd waited along time to find him to begin with. i'm soooooooo undemanding and "flexible" - even as i write this- for me, the whole thing of trying to db - having hope - or even being necessary to make sooooooo darn sure that i've tried and tried, so i never ever eeeeever have doubts about having rushed into something not in my best interests.

i think since i'm not doing one darn thing better - i can stand a bit more- and see. seems after this much time, i've got too much invested to get short fusednow.

is it nice or sick? who can say- in it for the long haul????

i have the reverse neurosis of hers. i'm playin the long game i think- (hopefully not til i die that is- )
oh well- i'l l be saying this in ten years, "any day now i'm gonna be thru". (that is of course , unless sprince charming trots up on his charger and sweeps me off my doddering old feet or i die on the vine.

tra la- i don't even know what i wish for- how's that for "done" trying to figure it out- worry about it , or anticipate the end result.....

xxo happy new year.-

[Wonka]

Hey Linda!

Where you been, stranger? Come on out of your woman cave and say "hi" to us...your other family.

[RosaLinda]

Hi Wonka! Nice to see you all, Pud, Job, Nero, Ang, Rose, Cadet, FY, Heather! I've been going thru some stuff. Well, we all have right? After giving H the ultimatum, and him choosing the Russian over me, I needed to decide whether I wanted to keep the door cracked open for him to return someday, or close it. On his hand LOL.

I remembered something that Ellie had asked me almost a year ago, whether my H is so nasty because he is MLC/Lyme disease crazy, or because he has been a defective person our whole married life. I immediately said how wonderful and loving he was, but I think I was re-writing, wishing for something that never really was there. We loved each other, and supported each other, and were best friends. We raised two kids together.

But he never made me feel special, beloved, cherished. He always, our whole married life, made me feel sort of small and useless. Stupid. Fat, unattractive, immature. His favorite put down is to call me a child. He rarely initiated marital relations, it was always me. I have been repressed by him our whole married life. He did not approve of the music I like (rock and roll is childish ) or of my family or clothes or hair. Even of my height.

So....I decided to close the door, to buy a dead bolt, and maybe a moat LOL! So we decided to get divorced. And I feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted off my shoulders, so I think it was the right decision.

H's sister had a Christmas party a week ago. H's whole family was there, and I talked to his sisters privately. His older sister cried and said that she loves me, and that I am doing the right thing. H's baby sister said that H is her brother and so she has to be supportive of him. I told her that's okay, I love her anyway and understand. Then she cried to and said that she loves me, so hopefully she won't desert me after being my sister for 38 years. H's mom was real supportive, and said it's about time.

On the way home I asked H what his plans are. He said that he decided to go live in Moscow with the Russian, and that he plans to take a certification course as a teacher of English as a second language, so he can get a work visa, and not have to give up his US citizenship to live in Russia as his OW's spouse. I don't know whether he bothered to mention this plan to the Russian or not, it just does not seem to go along with her plan. She wants herself here in the US with a green card and spouse to support her, not him there LOL.

I got a bit panicky, and thought yikes that could take years, so asked where he plans to live in the meanwhile. He said he sees no alternative but to start drawing on his 401K and get a small apartment. I said I assumed that he would stay with his mom, and he said he had not mentioned it to her yet. So I helpfully told him that when OW came to New York last March and then again when he went to Moscow for a month this fall, his mom had advised me to kick his a$$ out and said she would take him in. He was sort of surprised that we had talked about it, but I was even more surprised that they had not! So FY, I got to use another truth dart. I'm liking these truth darts of yours

So that is where things stand with me. I am no longer Standing, but know now, with the help of my friends, that just because I could not hold my marriage together, it doesn't make me a failure. And that The Process actually worked, as I am stronger than ever before in my life. Happy 2014 to you all. This is going to be a great year for all of us.

[tigerlily78]

I just want you to know Linda, so many of us admire and adore you so much. You have so much grace and class and goodness... and I am glad you have finally decided to give yourself the opportunity to find someone who can see that and appreciate it.

Your H is a broken, broken man. He is losing out big time.

But enough about him. Life is going to be about you now, and it is going to be fantastic.

Happy New Year!

[job]

RL,
I'm very glad that you've made a decision about your situation. Your h hasn't been a happy man for quite some time, especially since his return from Russia. You've handled your situation w/grace and dignity and he doesn't realize just how lucky he has been to have you as a friend, companion and spouse.

I'm also glad that you spoke to his family about the situation and I do believe that they will always be there for you as family and friends. I wouldn't worry too much about that as they've responded very well to the situation, especially his mother.

While he is a civil mood, please get the papers drawn up because you don't want him to have a lot of time to think about things, especially financially and you do not want the RT to fill his head w/stuff about what to agree or not agree to. It will be good for him to go back to Russia and live out his fantasy w/o any strings to hold him here. He needs to continue on his journey and finish it up, i.e., wherever that may be. As for the RT, she's not going to be happy w/him coming over there because she wanted it the other way around. Oh, well...it's his fantasy and he will do what he must do to continue moving forward on his journey.

Now, it is time for RL to think about what she wants to do. The old year certainly ended on a bang w/surprises and I know the new year will be full of additional surprises and hopefully they will be all good.

You fought for your marriage and unfortunately it couldn't be won, but you certainly have grown by leaps and bounds and you've discovered a new RL in the process. You are a survivor and certainly not a failure. The world is waiting w/open arms for you to begin your new and exciting life.

You are going to be just fine.

[Wonka]

(((Linda))),

It isn't easy at all to come to a decision to end your marriage. Sometimes it takes a D for the MLCer to realize what good they've had with their spouses and family. Let him go and spackle some more kitchen walls! I guarantee you that he and RT won't last beyond 3 months.

I want to add to what Job said above. Don't help H find his new apartment. Let him do the heavy lifting. He needs to find out what the "real" world is like out there without his wife swooping in to help him out. Welcome to life's hard knocks as a 'single' man in his mid-60s. Oh and be sure to step aside when it comes to H's relationship with your sons. It is his to figure out all by his lonesome self.

2014 is a year where you can focus on yourself, your grandbabies, and make more knitted scarfs from your weekly club. Make it count! Really.

As you enter the new phase of your journey as just "Linda", not "H's wife", please be sure to come here for support as I imagine that there'll be some speed bumps along the way as you two head for divorce.

You've got this, baby!! You look and sound stronger now than 6 months ago. Wow...clappy, clappy!!

[Takevowsserious]

My dear Rosa Linda

I can't begin to tell you how very proud I am of you.

I know how tough this past year was for you. You were put through hell emotionally. You were subjected to rude and disrespectful behavior. There were times where you weren't sure if you were going to make it.

But you did...and from what I can see, you are stronger than ever

I can't wait for you to unleash the 2014 version of RL onto the world!!!

Let H live in his miserable fantasy world of ugly booties, rotten oatmeal, manual labor home repairs in a foreign country, and "romantic" salt and pepper shakers!

We are always here for you