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[Ambivalent]

I was thinking of having the exterminators come and peek, they know what to look for and at night up there they won't.

H. gets paid next week, so I figured I'd do it before all the stuff hits the fan.

There is only one bro. in the area...I don't want to wear out the relationship on something he isn't experienced. He is awesome for technical and computer related areas.

[job]

Yes, an exterminator can go up there and look around. May I suggest that you take a walk outside and walk around your home and see if there is a place one of those critters might get into. Sometimes, it doesn't take much of a hole for them to squeeze thru. At least you would have some idea where he/she was coming in at.

You don't need experience to go up in an attic and look around. If you see insulation mashed down and a foul odor...then you know you've got squatters who aren't suppose to be there. I didn't mean for him to attempt to catch the critter but to just take a peek to see if he saw anything. Leave the catching to the professionals.

You never know, but the smoke from the fire may have caused him/her to start moving around a bit more...you just never know.
I think I would call tomorrow morning and see if you can get an exterminator's schedule. This time of year can be busy for them because so many of the critters are looking for a warm place to bed down due to the temps.

Good luck!

[Ambivalent]

Ha! Yes, weeel there are quite a few places due to the age of the abode. The good thing...it is choosing to bed down in the area where there are no wires. Most of the wiring is in the crawl space or downstairs!

Back to folding laundry, woo hoo!

[Ambivalent]

Just awakened with a start. I'm so tired of not sleeping all the way through the night.

[Ambivalent]

I have heat, and I'm looking into what I can do to keep costs down and the tank from going empty.

I need to get ahold of the actual costs of living here, so I wrote a note to H. :

When you get a chance, I would like to have all the utility companies we use.



I know :

Propane

Cable is also internet yes?

Water


Electric?

Phone?

If there is something I'm missing?



The last school pmt. is due, but the bookkeeper won't be back until next week . Once my hours are tallied, the last pmt made , I then take my practical exam . I already passed my written. The next step in the process is applying to take the two boards from the state. The app. fees are approx. 125-150. per exam. I should be able to do this sometime in January at the earliest, February at the latest, hopefully!

It is conditioned upon how many are testing, the time it takes them to process the paperwork, if they have changed their application info, and the times and locations, xxxxx and xxxxx are the current locations.

The state has been known to constantly change the applications, to the point the school doesn't supply them to us anymore due to the problems they have incurred. I will be working on this and working the process. I also am restricted by when my model ( for the practical ) is available. My model may not be a lic. esthetician, nor anyone from the school. I just wanted to give you a heads up on the situation, and all that is involved.



Also, I would like to know the current mortgage holder, what is owed? What day it is due and if there is a grace period ?


If we have accounts online, I would like the usernames and passwords so I may follow.

I didn't return the books, I have found they are interesting and useful, thank you.

A.
=================================================================
I have a call in to my atty. Need to go and get some food, go to the gym

I need a duvet, and to attack the upstairs now.

I did a ton of laundry yesterday, and it feels good.

I have been eating chicken soup I made from a roasted chicken. This has helped with my cold.

My ribs are only tender if I lay on the injured side, and my mouth ulcer has dissipated.

I will start going into school to work on whittling down my hours, and I need to get into the spa where I worked. My boss needs to give me my hours and I'll collect what I may for the equipment.

My next goal, I suppose should be to paint and set up the room in my home for the clientele I should be building.

[Ambivalent]

Spoke with both P's today. Mother came out , had lunch and put the retainer on her cc. They won't get to it until next W. or Th. This allows me access to the account for at least another week. I'll be stocking up on needfuls until then.

My dad is sending another check, for Jan. I have just gone from the frying pan to the fire.

I have asked the propane co. to let me know what the average usage has been for the property, so I can go on a flex plan. Every time the tank goes dry, it is 90 to reset everything. I can't believe this is the pattern he's been doing.

I'll be changing that if I stay here. If I can fill the tank and then keep it topped off, I can bring the cost to hopefully only 250. a month.

I'm going to figure the rest of the utilities will be less per month. My goal is to get them under 1,000. If I add one roomie, I should be able to offset some.

I have my schedule for school, and goals for the month to get me to my licensure.

If I don't get too emotionally sidetracked, I should pass my practical exam, then the boards. I'm expecting to be either barraged by bullying from H. or complete radio silence. Both make me very uncomfortable.

I don't want this, didn't want this, yet here I am. I don't want to file for divorce, but if he stays in the state his is now, I may be forced to do this too.

This whole situation is lose lose . I have no problem being separated forever, but If I can't establish credit I'm not going to be able to rise up from the ashes I find myself presently.

I know I won't marry again, for several reasons.

One is trust. It has been obliterated. This was just the last straw to my trust issues.

Two, I'm never having anymore children and I cannot collect support if I remarry.

At 53, probably 55 when all is done, the risk is too high. Unless I meet a multi millionaire and he is generous in a pre-nup, which we know the probability is zero to none, the risk is way too high.

If I were my husband, I wouldn't remarry. He too doesn't want anymore kids and he doesn't need to . He can get all the milk from cows these days without a purchase. The risk for failure is greater this time around, but he probably thinks it's me now, and not him anymore.

Not my concern. I don't know where this will end, and I'm sure not going to do anything more to exacerbate anything.

I was going to return the books he gave as "gifts", but not now. I have been learning some things. How did I find myself here? I know now, but heck of a lot of good it's doing me now.

[Ambivalent]

Snow landed and it's pretty. Going to put a new sign on the snow thrower, perhaps it'll sell now?

Boy I sure sounded jaded above. I'm not as I sound. I was being very sarcastic about the millionaire line. The fear of destitution is a factor in my life right now, and it manifested itself in a really stupid thought.

I am just broken right now, and I need to fix me. I know what I contributed, and I'm trying to forgive myself.

It is challenging when someone says some pretty ugly things and rewrites by writing out all the good parts and embellishes the bad. I beat myself up a lot, and he knew where to hurt me.

I wasn't known for tact, and over the years worked on it. I didn't use it all the time with H. Usually when tired or worn out , I would just blurt. Most of the time I had shown improvement, but sometimes I failed. Now I'm the horrible wife.

When do I get to say how I felt? What I experienced? What was the perception I had?

The pain of my rejection? How I felt abandoned to his sports, his travel ( although I understood this, it was time away from the home compounded by his buddy time )? When do I get to share what needs were left unmet? I never expected him to make me happy, but the teamwork was lacking where I needed relief.

Relief from the daunting hourly stress from the needs of No.1. I felt so much responsibility to help her and she had so many needs and issues. It wasn't her fault, and I needed to help that lil' girl. She was struggling everyday, and so desperately needed help. I loved her so, and couldn't let her down.

When do I get to state how lonely I was, while I was trying to figure out our oldest daughter's needs, and issues? How I truly felt to find out he had a stripper at our home, for a bachelor party, while I was up North with the little girl's we made?

When do I get to share that a complaint from him was not a need being stated. It just made me feel inadequate and unsafe to share. When I stated what I needed or attempted to improve, I got shot down or told flat out "no I don't want to do that" , or ignored ? I too learned not to bring it up, to bury things.

If I'm to keep all of this in, how is this not going to just break me more? How does this process not create more illness? For by him spewing such things, and me absorbing them, how does this not transfer more guilt and stress, which then manifests into a body breaking down?

I'm not saying that I should spew back, even with some detachment, it is impossible not to internalize things.

Is it so I feel more guilt, more pain, so I feel I don't deserve to live on? Is it to hurt me because he is not feeling better? Why the need to destroy, rather than move on? Is it to purge, so they can move on? He says he went "several" times to a therapist so he doesn't repeat...yet he doesn't want to know or learn from my perspective. It is as if it doesn't factor in at all.

I am also hearing some of the same things my father said about my mom. It isn't that he says I'm like my mom, for I know we're different, it is the lack of respect or acknowledgement for what I did contribute. It may not have been monetarily, but it was 24 x 7 x 365. Even vacations were work as a mom. Not complaining,there is not a time when a wife and mother aren't expected to be there, needed.

When listening to my father the other day, he told me to take one hundred dollars and do something just for me. " ...go get a facial..." that was actually funny considering what I do...

He NEVER saw my mother needed that. My H. never noticed either. Now , he did take us out to dinner, and pick things up on the way home. I did say thank you, and I expressed appreciation. I needed that too. Now that the spewing has started again, I really need it.

Okay now to put the granny panties on...I needed to ask these questions, and I needed to vent. I need to communicate and release this, but I need to say it to HIM! For I don't want to hate him, and resent him. That is what leads to resentment, bottling it up.

[willbwell]

I ask the same questions amb...
you know of course they don't want to hear any of it.

[job]

Ambivalent,
I want to point out that you could have been the perfect wife and your h still would have found faults and blame. He needs to vilify you in order to justify why he walked out. It wouldn't have mattered if you had the Queen's position, model perfect and a home that was a mansion because when they are hit w/a crisis, everything good goes out the door and that's called depression. They only see in black and white. You know this already. So, please do not take on his guilt or drink form his pitcher of kool aid. You already know what you did or didn't contribute to the relationship, so work on those things that YOU want to improve for YOU. YOU have to be happy w/your changes and they will need to become a permanent part of your life.

I do think that you have some resentment towards your h. You continue to bring up the stripper incident. Did you not forgive him for this? If not, it's festering and you need to find a way to release that resentment. It's eating at you. What has happened in the past can't be fixed, but what happens in the present is a gift and one that you can work on fixing those things that you don't like or feel comfortable with. Use the gift of time to help YOU.

Yes, it would have been nice had you been recognized for all of your hard work...but it didn't happen. I'm sorry about that this happened, but many of us have noticed that our spouses didn't always recognize our efforts and I do think that in some instances they took us for granted, but also viewed us as authority figures who would take care of everything and make it all better. If your h was that unhappy w/the way things were back then and right up to when he left, he should have communicated this to you. You are/were not a mind reader.

Ambivalent, you could have a very heated discussion w/him about all you did in your marriage and it would go in one ear and out the other because in his mind you are trying to change his mind as to the way he sees and remembers things. Trying to justify yourself to him at this time is pointless. Yes, you would feel better, but he doesn't give a fig right now. Some day, when his fog lifts and the rose colored glasses begin to change to clear vision ones, he'll begin to remember all that you did and appreciate the hard work that you put forth in the relationship. But right now? No...because it's about him and only him.

You need to find an outlet for the anger and resentment. Come here to vent or better yet, take a walk in the beautiful snow that Mother Nature provided to us last evening/early morning. Clear your head, compose a letter to your h, but don't send it. It's very good therapy to write letters to your h and then burn them or put them in a place of safe keeping.

Try to have a nice day.

[Ambivalent]

I do think that you have some resentment towards your h. You continue to bring up the stripper incident. Did you not forgive him for this? If not, it's festering and you need to find a way to release that resentment. It's eating at you. What has happened in the past can't be fixed, but what happens in the present is a gift and one that you can work on fixing those things that you don't like or feel comfortable with. Use the gift of time to help YOU.

I actually did forgive him. I told him how I felt, what it said to me, and how I was concerned for our safety... Forgiving and forgetting are different things. Prior to this , the stripper really wasn't even a thought.

I read his recount of things and go down memory lane too. Then some stuff rears it's head. I don't have ANY resentment for what he did there. It was stupid, thoughtless, and eons ago, but it was something he actually did. I didn't beat him up for it, didn't bring it up , did here, but not in our marriage. It was done...period.

Where it bothered me in my rant/venting was the forgetting of the constant work I did do, and to minimize it while telling me I should have done more. I have not rehashed the past, yet he now feels compelled to when we both agreed it only serves to bring about anger and blame. Now he is going back on that and spewing, while to DB, I must bite my tongue, suck it up, all the while I get ill from holding everything in.

I can't say anything for it would only cause a tirade, or " push him away" . I won't get a chance to discuss how I felt, the hurt, pain, rejection...

I can't even do it if there is a reconciliation, for again what good will it do, the past is the past? So I'm frustrated, and trying to vent . I'm angry because I may not express myself. It takes me back to my childhood. I wasn't allowed to vent or express my anger or hurt, without being backhanded, punished or told to stop being a baby, stop crying.

This is how the passive aggression starts. One is stifled and then it comes out somewhere, eventually. He is spewing because he needs to vent, get it out. I end up being the bunching bag. I'm tired of this process.

If there was a guarantee, I would take it over and over. There isn't so it makes it so difficult to absorb. I'm going to go dance now...I really need to burn off some frustration.