Let me set you and other straight about the "detest" part. They don't detest you. The reason for the no contact is that they're in pain and any reminders of the LBS brings up painful memories for them. So they keep us at arm's length as a self-protection mechanism. Ms. Wonka was the same with me...the first contacts consisted of only Happy Birthdays. Below is a brief summary of our contact history which will give you a sense of how slow those glaciers move.
Spring 2003: I drop the bomb on Ms. Wonka's birthday. NIIICCCCE of me! [it was some time after the onset of my own MLC journey in 1999]
Spring/Summer 2003: I'm sure I've engaged in some real crazy MLC antics. Fog very heavy during this time.
Fall 2003: Ms. Wonka reconnects with an old college flame for support. It evolved into an EA. I suspect it became PA sometime in the Winter of 2003/early 2004.
March 2004: The fog lifts from my head. I see things Claritin clear! Attempt to get Ms. Wonka to return to the marriage. But nope. Full steam head with her OW.
August 2004: Ms. Wonka moves out of our marital home and moves in with OW about 1300 miles away. Of course, I wrote one of those silly long, begging letters to Ms. Wonka via her sister's house as Ms. Wonka wouldn't tell me the address of her/OW's house.
Aug-September 2004: Experience severe case of PTSD. Dramatic weight loss, horrible flashbacks, insomnia, feeling utterly lost.
October 2004: Discover DB site. Wise, old, grizzly vets set me straight. And I take to DBing heartily.
November 2004: Sent pictures of our dog. Ms. Wonka reciprocated with a picture of our cat. [I kept our dog and Ms. Wonka took our cat. These pets were together since 8 weeks ago. When Ms. Wonka left in August, our dog kept moving around the house looking for Ms. Wonka and the cat. The dog was very, very depressed for the first two weeks after Ms. Wonka moved out....I was seriously concerned about the dog]
December 2004: Sent Ms. Wonka a nice Xmas card that is for a friend. Not one of those stupid generic cards. Ms. Wonka reciprocated with a card of a Snowman with a small heart on the front and on the inside said something like "cold hands, warm heart." A first for Ms. Wonka.
January 2005: Ms. Wonka initiated a text wishing me a Happy Birthday.
May 2005: Ms. Wonka is on a family vacation in my state at that time and we work out for a dog switcheroo. She comes in the house for the first time in nearly a year and noticed changes in the formal dining room. At this time, her father was very sick (he died not long after this). We talked outside in our back porch area and I validated Ms. Wonka when she cried a few times in talking about him. Just before leaving the house, Ms. Wonka comes up to me and puts her arms around my neck and rested her head on my shoulder for a full body hug. I dissolve in tears when we part ways.
May 2005-November 2005: Communication nearly non-existent or nil.
December 2005: Ms. Wonka had the dog for December as I was out of state visiting my family for the holidays. As I was on my flight headed to my home state, an announcement comes from the captain that the flight has been changed to Ms. Wonka's state/hometown! Can you imagine the look of utter surprise, shock on my face??! When I landed, I texted Ms. Wonka that I had just landed in her hometown's airport.
She came out to the airport and picked me up to drive back to her mother's house as she was visiting her family during that time. Boy, it brought a flood of emotions for me [and I'm sure for her]. I slept in the downstairs bedroom while Ms. Wonka slept in her bedroom. The next morning, we interacted like 'normal' at the breakfast table with MIL and FIL. At one point, I leaned over and zipped FIL's coat as he was unable to do this simple task and I know Ms. Wonka watched me the whole time.
Since I was in her hometown, we discussed the logistics. Decided that I would rent a car so I can drive the dog home with me. It was during the trip back to the airport that Ms. Wonka really pressed for details on the sale of our house. I validated like crazy and stalled a bit.
January 2006: Texted HBD to me.
May 2006: Texted HBD to Ms. Wonka.
Sometime in Summer 2006: Ms. Wonka and the OW move to Ms. Wonka's home state. It is closer to my then state for more regular dog switcheroos which take place about once a month. During these interactions, I was upbeat and wore different, new clothes. We engaged in one R talk and I was calm. At one point, I said 'you got into an affair'...Ms. Wonka got all hot and bothered with vehement denials. Whatever.
Summer 2006-2007: Usual monthly dog switcheroos. Texts on wishing each other HBD. That was the extent of our communications.
[it was some time after the onset of my own MLC journey in 1999]