Couple weeks ago I went out with co-workers again (one happens to be a guy). While we were out, my H texted me stating he hoped I was having a good time with the male co-worker. I wouldn't confirm that I was with him because I didn't feel like it was any of his business who I was with and I felt that if I did confirm I was with him, he would get the wrong message. He kept pursing it via text but I let it go. We have a telephone conversation about it the next day. He said he knew I lied to him about him being there. He would at first only say that he just wanted to make sure I was ok but then he did say, one time, that he was jealous. He said he thinks about our situation "everyday and probably will for the rest of my life."
Haven't been on here in quite awhile. Thought I was doing ok with my situation but seems like I'm back at square one.
I had resolved myself to the fact that H did not want to work on the marriage and that it was time to move forward. Went out a couple of times with a group of friends (one who is a male co-worker mentioned above). I admit I find him a little attractive but I am still in love with H. Anyway...anytime I would go out, H would text me being safe and who was I with, etc...Made me start thinking that H might still have feelings for me. Then at the end of Aug H told me his "friend" (who I suspect he left me for) was moving for grad school and he was taking her. When I asked him the nature of the relationship he would only say they were friends. I asked him not to take her but he did anyway.
I continued to try and move forward with my life.In September, I again went out and H was texting me (I suspect anytime he is texting me he has been drinking). He was saying that he wanted me to be safe. I told him I was going to go over to see him but then said I was just going to go home because it was late. He said he wanted to see me so I went. Ended spending the night with him. In the AM he asked now what? I said that I felt he had problems (depression,unhappy w/himself and career,problem with drinking). I said that with him being this way there could be no Us. He said so then what. I said I guess we end this and get a divorce. We talked about going about this and I did seem at peace with this decision.
Didn't talk again about it though until Nov 19-he sent me an e-mail that he researched what we needed to file. I was sad and told him I would look at the info but never did because it's really not what I want.
The following week I went out and was at my male friends house watching a movie.H sent me a facebook message that said my status showed where I was and that he saw I "completed my journey" (meaning that I slept with him). I told him all we were doing was watching a movie and for him to go to sleep. He said for me to be safe. In the AM he asked if I wasn't attracted to my male co-worker and that he just wanted me to be happy and find love because he knew that he wasn't the one who could do this for me and he thought that he was the reason that I don't show affection. I told him that I'm the reason I don't show affection, not him or anyone else and that I knew he worried about me and that I would figure things out for myself in time.
Then the following week (Thanksgiving week),I texted him and asked him if he could watch the girls that Wednesday (which is his day w/them). He said it wouldn't be a good idea for them to stay at his house because he had a house guest (his "friend" that he took to grad school). I called him and started in on him about our relationship and us and our history, etc. I said that I thought I knew what the problem was...That he was still in love with me but he didn't think I was in love with him. He said "and what if it is?" I said I didn't know. I asked "well is it?" and he said "maybe" but that it was too late. I told him it was never too late. We ended the conversation after that because we just go round and round and never get anywhere. He did come see the girls for a while that night and I ended up going out because my friend watched the kids. My H put a message on FB that night that he was deactivating his account to "save his sanity."
Ok, I haven't read back to far. So I don't want to just jump the gun.
So you know a trigger for your husband was this male work friend, but you continued to go out with the guy? Was that a 180 of some kind? He'd ask you if you were with him, you'd keep it from him, but then you'd get to ask what the status of his "friend and him" were?
Its sounds like you both were playing a viscous cycle with each other, almost knowing it would hurt the other. I'm certainly not saying he's innocent in this by any means. But were you DB'n or him?
I'm not sure the concept of working on the marriage when neither of you can even be honest? Another question, why would you call him to ask him to watch the girls on a night that you already knew he was supposed to have them? Does he normally bail out on his nights with the girls?
ok ok, I need to read the sitch more I guess, some of this is very confusing for me.
Your husband sounds like he's very jealous. But at the same time I don't see her where u validated anything with him. When he talked, you responded, not listened.
I think basic DB requires us to just STFU sometimes, not push our agenda on what we think needs to be done. That part comes later after you've put in some work and he feels like he's being heard. Like I said previously, im not giving him an out here, he's obviously not doing it right, but are you trying to save your marriage or trying to tell him what wrong with him?
You want to be the person only a fool would leave. He's stated that he's got trust issues, he's jealous. Ok, that is tough, cause he needs to change too. BOTH of you do!!
I can see why your both hurting, its cause you both do things that don't really help the situation. Its such a fine line, trying to DB, but the main rule is, if something isn't working, try something else. I cant see where you were doing anything but the same old thing yourself.
Also, NEVER let a conversation get heated, much less ANOTHER heated conversasion. If you feel it coming on, then you validate and walk away. Don't let it escalate.
Listening, and validate.
I think a 180 regarding the "friend" of yours would have been more like, Why don't you come out with us, we can spend some time together, and you'll see he's nothing more" That would have defused the situation right there.
You go round and round, cause you both have your own agenda that needs to be heard. You cant really fix his problems, those are things he needs to fix, but you seemed to have spent a lot of time with this one male coworker that he obviously had an issue with. I'm not sure spending more time with him was a 180.
Getting blamed for problems in your marriage is pretty common script from a WAS/MLC, but the point is to 180 those feelings, so they feel like they've been heard. You don't get to work on the marriage if its always falling back to the same routine.
Where's Labug, she's much better at this stuff then I am, I'm terrible at trying to explain the dynamic of it all sometimes. I'm frustrated for you, both of you. If only you could see some of your actions aren't helping, not that his are, but your the one trying to save the marriage right?
Hi flyonthewall. Thank you for responding. The situation is very confusing for me also!!
To break it down in more simple terms (if that is possible):
H moved out March 2012...He was drinking that night and woke me up at 2 AM and told me he had to go get a co-worker.I tried to stop him but he left.He texted me later and told me he wasn't coming home and that he would come later to talk about him moving out...I think he had an EA with his co-worker for a while and though I am not positive, I think it turned into a PA that night (BTW-he's 39,she is 24).
We did have a lack of communication in our marriage,he felt neglected by my lack of affection and we were essentially just existing with each other.
I went through all the usual begging,pleading and then tried DB also. He wasn't budging, though we would still do things/still do as a family (movies,dinner,holidays).
After 1 1/2 years of this I felt like I needed to try and move ahead although I still loved him and wanted to make it work. So this past summer I started to go out with a group of people, including the male co-worker.Nothing has gone on with this co-worker at all. I consider him a friend as any other. The reason H knows I go out is because he watches the kids. Me going out specifically with this co-worker is what triggered him to show jealousy. I confront him about this but he still denies wanting to make it work between us and him still wanting to pursue a divorce.I am the one that is not allowing us to move forward with it because I truely don't want it.
A few days before Christmas, H told me his "friend" was going to be staying with him from Dec 23 to mid-January.His mom is also staying with him until 2nd week in Jan.He wanted to know how I wanted him to handle this situation (the other woman) w/ the kids. I told him he had to choose and to let me know. Well, HE decided that he would come over on Christmas with his mom. They stayed from 8am until about 6pm although he did leave for about an hour. He left the OW at his house the whole time. He also chose to spend this past Sunday, which is his day w/ the kids, at our house so that he wouldn't have to tell them about OW. He says he is just trying to keep everyone happy and he knows he is failing at this.
This is where we currently stand...him having OW, him admitting that he is jealous of the thought of me with someone else but him wanting me to move on, him saying he knows he is not the one to make me happy, him wanting to move ahead w/divorce.
I will agree with you Fly...It's funny how sometimes things just hit you and you see yourself and your actions...
I told him just the other day that I felt like all we are doing is playing the blame game and going round and round. We are only focusing on the bad stuff in our M and not the good. We are always trying to defend our actions but not really listening to the other person.
I realize that when I cry and rant I only make myself look bad and unattractive and who wants that??
Right now I feel that with OW in play, I have no hope. Despite the age difference they seem to have a lot in common. I asked him and he did say that they talk and share with each other which is something that has been seriously lacking with us for sometime. They share same degrees/careers.Like the same movies,music,food interests,exercise, etc (My friend said it sounds like he is dating himself, LOL)
Ok, tyvm you cleared up some points that weren't so obvious to figure out with the details provided.
So at this point, what exactly do you want? Do you still want to save the marriage? You understand your old marriage IS dead, but that doesn't mean you cant have a new marriage with him maybe?
A lot of what he does and says is pretty typical script. He wasn't getting his needs met, im not sure how you addressed things at the time. But here you are 1.5 years later posting.
I see the fact that the divorce still hasn't happened is a positive. Or is it more the idea that neither of you really care when it gets done, you've both moved on?
This male coworker is more of a recent development then? Not something from the beginning? He's having a rough time dealing with you and someone else, also a positive.
I hope with us chatting is will keep this bumped towards top and you'll get some advice from the vets. Cause i'll be honest, I see some things to build on, but I cant give you the advice on how to proceed. He's still tracks what you do.
And of course theres the chance im totally wrong. So lets give it some time and see your responses.
TY Fly. I think the reason the D hasn't happened is because he wants to do it amicably and i'm the one who is agreeing to do it. And yes the male coworker is recent (this summer). Thank you for letting me vent and advice!
