M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Just one quick note, it wasn't the calculated risk. Thanks for the support.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Something spooked her between December 12th and Christmas. She had been acting "different" (good) as I had been noting the trends over the last month and a half. You all seemed to agree with my observation.
After she was spooked she pulled away again, and I noted that she was acting different (bad) than the recent different (good) when her family was here for a week.
And when she pulled away again, I realized that I HADN'T separated hope and expectations, that my heart was broken yet AGAIN, for the bajillionth time in this process for me, that this is what keeps happening: she lulls me in (or I allow myself to be lulled in), then breaks my heart. It's a seemingly endless cycle.
And I just couldn't take it any more. I can't keep getting my heart broken.
So I opened up to her. I told her I noticed she was acting different, she told me what spooked her, we talked about boundaries, we talked about kids, we talked about a LOT of stuff...we had what most people would call a "really good" talk, but I told her I just couldn't do it anymore.
Apparently I CAN'T separate hope and expectations.
Apparently, at least with this woman, I CAN'T not be head-over-heels in love.
Apparently I am addicted to her like a drug. I break my dependency on her, then when she lulls me back in I fool myself into thinking I can control the positive interactions, but I can't. It's like a friggin' drug. I don't NEED her, I just WANT her really, really, REALLY bad...like a drug addict really wants his drug.
And if I can't control my desire for my drug, and if I can't separate hope and expectations, then I realized I'm never going to win at this...I'm never going to be the man I need to be for me and my daughters.
So I figure the solution for my addiction is to go cold turkey. So I told her that she was my best friend, that I loved her, but I have to say goodbye.
And I know you all know how hard that is, but she isn't just my best friend, she's really my only friend. (And I know that's a big DB no-no, but 33 year-old men don't make new BFF's, so let's be realistic here.)
So I'm lonely. And I miss my kids. I miss my family. To be honest I don't like my alone time at all...I never have. I want to be with my family. That is the life I created for myself, that is the life I want, and for some deluded reason, that's the life I destroyed.
At times I feel like she's giving me the blueprint to reconciliation, but it could all just be a ploy to keep me on her hook, probably unintentionally.
So I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep getting my heart broken and going through these stages and cycles of depression that have permeated throughout every aspect of my entire life for the past 2+ years...YEARS.
I was so hurt and so angry this last time that I went out and sinned. And I knew it was a sin when I was doing it, and I am feeling the heavy burden of that now too, but I saw it as a way for me to solidify my position that I am done going through this.
So I guess my sitch has come full circle and the roles are reversed. She has completely broken me to the point where I'm just done. Instead of her this time, *I* sinned to somehow deal with it.
I love her and I miss her and I think about her and how good it would feel just to embrace her and have the sadness go away for just that moment, but I have to stop hoping. "Hope is a dangerous thing" says Red in Shawshank Redemption. Too dangerous for me, it appears.
I'm over 100 posts for this thread and should start a new one, but I don't know if I'll need one. I may post again soon to talk about what spooked her, but I don't really feel the desire to post anymore. Perhaps I just need a break.
Thank you all for your encouragement, wisdom, support, prayers, and community. I truly appreciate it and the so many wonderful people here.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I feel your pain in this dude. I don't know how to separate hope and expectations either. I feel like if you successfully detach, in doing so, your spouse becomes just another friend. If you get to that point, you may still love her but are you 'in love with her?' Like you said, the roles get reversed.
Anyway, I'm on a tear with the rant posts today. Your message really resonated with me though because I have been getting sucked back in since July because for me hope is a trap I always step in. Sorry to hear your news though
Me:38 W:39 No Children BD: 5/13 EA/PA Confirmed: 7/13 W Moved out 12/13
PM - my situation was definitely abbreviated and on fast-forward, but I have to tell you I hit this point between August and November. Maybe it's because I have a previous divorce and 4 years of DBing under my belt, but I have to tell you my W looked at me with sad and mournful eyes, and said, "Do you think we can work things out?" and then went and slept with an ugly fat slob of a moron.
Embrace where you are. Not for sheer anger and bitterness and resentment and hatred, but because NOW you know where your WAS was.
