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[Ambivalent]

Well guess who's propane just ran out? LOL...I'm using space heaters and waiting to hear back from propane co., but something tells me I'm not going to hear anything anytime soon!

Been doing a lot of research today and I am going to be dealing with some coming stress.

I'm hoping to hear back soon, from the insurance adjuster. I don't think I'll be replacing anything, but the funds may help with either atty. fees or utilities. Hopefully the next couple of months won't be too cold.

This has been an unbelievable year. Really...unbelievable. I guess I'm not in limbo anymore, I know now what not to do, and I'm following the guidelines. I'm not a young thang, but I still have some fight in me.

I'm hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. I'm feeling odd again. No crying today, just anxiety, mixed with a dull lingering ache. I don't know how I feel anymore.

I don't know if it is because I've let go or not. I really don't know what will happen, and I don't know if I will ever get a warm or intimate feeling for this man back. It is a very odd sensation.

I feel a sense of dread, and I fear any confrontation with him. So I'm still connected. I don't have to talk to him, this I know. I know he probably won't come out this way. I feel very very odd. I'm feeling a lack of attraction for him.

Where did it go, why after all the previous months I had it. I feel sadness, and I am losing respect. I don't want to lose respect. It is one of the worst feelings for me to feel for someone I love and loved. I mourn the moments of affection and friendship.

I want to wrap myself in the arms of my daughter. I want to curl up and sleep. I want to just close my eyes and leave this all behind. Sometimes I feel like it is done, over. Other times I feel it isn't, the connection is strong.

I have a sensation of emptiness, a void. At my age, I really don't want to let another in again. I have nothing left to give, and my trust is wiped out. I don't want to ever revisit this place again. I just want to live and love what is left of my dog's lives. I want to give to my children, but another relationship, I really don't want marriage ever again.

It is okay, I had love once and gave it. Good night and I hope everyone has a better year.

Two thousand thirteen, get the heck outta here. BUUUUUUUH BYE !