Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

Portia, my friend, thanks for 2x4, I needed it. You can bug me about this pattern again, I don’t mind. I didn’t e-mail the friends. I’m trying really hard to stay away from mentioning H at all in conversations with them. I don’t know if the information about him bringing someone or not matters at this point. It is definitely a curiosity thing. I mentioned it before (sadly not to him, but to our friends) that if I learn that he brings someone to stay in the condo, I would probably react by initiating the D process and try to split the condo. I cannot handle the thought that OW could stay in the place I put so much money and effort into.

I still don’t know what I would do though. My sister and GFs tell me to just forget about this condo and let him have it. I’m split on this, so I will see how I feel when I actually learn of something going on over there. His comment about him going somewhere for a week in February and telling me that I could come over at that time and use the condo makes me think that there is a good possibility that he didn’t bring an OW.

You are right, he might have felt awkward too. I’m pretty sure that our mutual friends told him about how I’ve changed. They made this comment multiple times to me, and the male friend told me that he told H in one of the phone conversations that I “became a girl he always wanted”. So, there is a good chance that H was putting a happy face on and pushing his feelings away, if there are any left.

Heather, thank you so much for taking time to write this huge response to me. I’m not questioning the DB concept as whole. What I wanted to say is that it seems that it is not working in my case. At least the part of it which is supposed to help to save the marriage. I’ve done lots of changes on myself, and I actually started doing it before I found DB. Michele’s book just solidified what I already learnt by then and started to work on.

What I posted on Pud’s thread was coming from the emotions I had after H left yesterday. I’m not saying that we need to unload our emotions on them. I know it will just make me feel bad afterwards. I was just saying that I gave H all the space and STFU, and I still didn’t see any progress. It’s been 18 months since DB and I cannot say that there are any even smallest baby steps I can identify. It seems that he moves further and further away.

I just don’t know if I believe that H is in MLC any more. He looked so normal, his old self, just no emotion for me. I got an impression that he is very happy with his life. You are right, I’m not a mind reader. I thought I had a pretty good intuition, but it probably didn’t work for me yesterday, because I was so tense inside. All three scenarios that you described could be true to a certain degree, especially the first two. This is why I think so today.

He told me yesterday that he would stop by today to drop off the New Year’s gift for my son. I understood that it would be in the afternoon. I got up a little before 10 (just wanted to slip in longer, since we are planning to stay all night tonight for the New Year celebration at my sister’s.) I know that in the past I told him to not show up before 10 am. I also thought that he would call me first.

Well, I got up and went outside to put away the garbage bins. And there he was, pulling up to the house. I was not prepared, I didn’t even have a makeup on. So, I think I had some confusion on my face. He handed me the cards and I thought he would just get back in the car and leave. He hesitated for a moment and asked me if I had a small cooler for him to take. I said I didn’t know, so I went inside, he followed. I went to wash my hands and he went to the garage looking for a cooler. I let him take a very small one, which I didn’t really use.

Then he was standing at the door and kind of looking at me. He had a different expression this morning. His eyes were warmer, he was actually LOOKING at me (yesterday he was all about business.) I have a feeling that he came in the morning and without a warning on purpose. I think he wanted to see me in my natural look, without a makeup and not dressed for a cause. He asked me if I would be going to my sister’s, and wished me and everybody a happy New Year. I didn’t get a hug again. I think he was avoiding to getting closer to me. This is weird, because I got hugs from him before. I thought that with the time it would be even much easier, just like with friends or acquaintances.

So, I think you are right and he might be just working so hard to not show any emotion. And I think it was not easy for him to see me. It seemed that he wanted to get out of the house as soon as possible, after he picked up what he wanted. He didn’t bring any subjects of D or taxes, or any other division of the remaining assets. He definitely didn’t want a serious conversation. Not sure if he was surprised that I had his “stuff” packed, I didn’t see his face because I was just too preoccupied with containing my anxiety. Looking back at yesterday’s visit, I have an impression that he came to pick up his car, some pictures and a couple of other things. I might see something else later when I get my head strait again.

I think it is time to start a new thread before this one is locked.