Just have to vent a little. First of all, I am really looking forward to celebrating the New Year with friends tonight. I can't wait to eat/drink/relax and be around people that are happy to see me.
That being said, usually when H and I show up to these things and put on our show, he is overly happy and joking. It BOTHERS me!!! Several people have even made comments about it to me. Our pattern is typically:
H: I'll go tonight, but only for a little bit, I have to work tomorrow. I don't want to stay very long.
Reality: H starts drinking fast and heavily then says things like: screw work, I'll just pop some gum in the morning. And then never wants to leave where we're at. Even at 2 am when he has to wake up at 4am for work....
Life is one big party and one big joke to him. Never mind your childrens' tears or the realtor that stopped over to discuss listing our house and all that real life stuff. I'm screaming LOSER at him on the inside.
I do not take responsibility for his actions. He is just so far removed from the man I loved. I will be curious to see how tonight unfolds after our recent events. Beginners mind, right?
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
We'll drive together. I'm packing a bag for S and I to stay over if we need to.
My anger at H and sitch is escalating. This past 2 months is taking a toll on me. I'm having to convince myself to 'want' this.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Who would have thought New Years could be more emotionally difficult than Christmas? I didn't see it coming. This is the first year since 1999 that I have not kissed my H at midnight.
Had fun with friends at their home. Things were awkward between H and I. The front that we put on when we go out in public is wearing thin. We just end up avoiding each other more often at these functions. I overheard H talk about camping this summer and having our friends up. He was talking about us going to Mexico next year. (We go with our friends every other year) He is back to barely making eye contact with me. He didn't speak to me personally at all. Even though I am more miserable and hopeless than ever, I know what to do. I've weighed my options. All of the fellow members on this forum that have been at this (much) longer than me know that the alternative which is D, will be devastating. At this point, I cannot stomach having that talk with the kids. I can't imagine taking that step yet.
So, I am going to dig deep. I am going to find the strength that so many believe that I have. I am going to DB like no other. No more kicking and screaming and controlling. I am going to work hard and forgive my set backs.
Like 3 said, my goal is 30 days. Then I will reevaluate. I can do this for 30 days. I am going to read some other threads and focus on myself and time with my kids and friends. I am going to smile and find my happiness. I am going to be the reason for my happiness.
Wish me luck! Happy New Year!
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
Hi Blues and Julie! So glad to have NYE/NYD behind us! I figure that 2014 cant be much worse than 2013 so there is hope
I think that I may join you on the 30 day calendar cross off. I had been living day by day back in the fall. I started to get a little too comfortable and stopped looking at the short term only. After talking about my H getting his own place and feeling like there is no end in site to this crappy sitch, I think that I need to get back to the day to day living. I just printed out my calendar
Yep, able to put a star on day 1. And, I feel so much better now that I have a plan and a goal...as small as it is.
H came home from work and was exhausted...only had a few hours of sleep since going to friends on NYE then working early NYD. He spent time with the kids, read, played games. He was kind to me. He talked about renewing his company club membership in order to get cheap tickets to plays/shows this year. (We used to go to plays/shows a couple times a year)
Baby steps. I agree though, soooo glad NYE/NYD is over. That was a tough one.
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
"Like 3 said, my goal is 30 days. Then I will reevaluate. I can do this for 30 days. I am going to read some other threads and focus on myself and time with my kids and friends. I am going to smile and find my happiness. I am going to be the reason for my happiness."
OK, well that is good stuff, but I wanted to clarify that DB'ing does not mean you HAVE to go to events with your H and watch as he makes a mockery of your M and behaves like a drunken fool. It obviously is causing you a lot of pain, so quit going! The next time some event comes up just tell him you're no longer comfortable going as a "couple" given the reality of your sitch. He probably does it to save himself the embarrassment of having to tell people what's really going on. Time to quit being his pawn.
Also be much more specific in your goals. "Find my happiness" and "focus on myself" are vague goals with no real criteria for determining if they've been met. Ask yourself what things would make you happy (painting? Learning to play guitar? Eating a picnic with the kids?), then shorten that list to things YOU can control (for example, "reconcile with H" might be a goal but it's not one you can control) and get to to work on that list
