BD One Year Later

[hopefulinga]

Time for an update after 3 months of not posting. I do come by every so often to try to keep up, but I've been focusing on me and being happy. Warning...Long Post

We are in a different place than we were 3 months ago. Our relationship is better, H's actions say he's in it, but he has not verbalized that to me. However, that would not be out of the ordinary for him. He does not share emotions easily. I have no expectations and am not mindreading.

I was approved for a loan and started to look for houses, which H was aware of. He would not acknowledge any of it to me, and would not discuss the subject. So, I made him aware of what I was doing and went about my business without further detail.

I also stopped letting him know about events at the airport that I normally would have invited him to. People would ask him where he was and then he would tell me he didn't know about it. I stopped going to his "man cave" at the airport. I cooked dinner for me and D and left it on the stove for whenever he showed up.

I've been SUPER busy at work, working late, etc, which has keep my mind off of other things.

In mid October, I started to see small changes. H went on his motorcycle ride to TN. When he came back, he showed me pictures, a video and told me that some day he would take me there. I told him I would enjoy that, but had no expectations, because he's famous for not following through. He started to share more about work and listened while I told him things about my cases.

He started to thank me more for dinner and tell me it was good, even if it was out of a box. He's even done it at times when I could tell in the past he would have complained and gone on and on. He started to thank me for errands and small favors, and showed more appreciation.

In November, he flew up to PA in his plane for my mom's wedding. D and I went commercial. He agreed with my plan to board 2 dogs and keep 2 at home with someone checking on them. I asked him to bring the beds to the boarding place, and he told me they could sleep on blankets. When I talked to him later that day, he had brought over the beds.

When we got back, I sent him an email that I needed to get back with my realtor, but did not want to waste the guy's time if there was any chance of R. No response. But I had put it out there. So I went back out looking for homes. I found 3 that I liked and wanted to go back and visit.

For Thanksgiving, H spent all but about 2 hours at home. For the past several years, almost as long as I can remember, he would have spent 2 hours at home and the rest at the airport.

The first week of December, H took me on a Toys for Tots Motorcycle Ride. We were supposed to go for a ride to look at the fall foliage, but didn't get a chance, so he offered this. His caveat was "if you behave yourself". I asked what that meant and he said something about not throwing his balance off. I know he meant that I needed to keep my mouth shut, but I let it go.

We've started to laugh together and tease each other more. We've been watching TV together at night and enjoying that. He's let me put my arm around him and hug him when we're joking around.

For my birthday, he bought me 2 cards. Last year I got none. There was no "I love you" or anything mushy, but they were cute cards. We went out to eat at a place I picked and he didn't complaing. He was also home all but 2 hours on Christmas, which is again different. He's been coming home a little bit earlier at night for the most part.

He's acknowledged a little bit of his anger and has told me he wants to see his dr. about getting his testoterone checked.

So, we've had a lot of baby steps. I don't know where any of this will lead and I'm letting it take its course without expectations, which is sometimes hard. There are still some things that I am not happy about, but I havne't decided if they are deal breakers. One of them is more time together on the weekends, other than watching TV.

Last night when I said good night to H, I told him I loved him and he told me he loved me. I haven't heard that in over a year. I haven't heard spew in months, even when he is upset. We are focusing on the issues and not each other, although there really hasn't been anything personal to argue about.

We've talked a little bit about the future. He talked about wanting to ride a motorcycle through the Grand Canyon and talked about having me go with him.

He still introduces me as his wife, which he never stopped doing. He had me go with him to a visitation for a friend of his who died recently. We were supposed to go shooting today, but couldn't make schedules work. I apologized for my crazy schedule and he said it was ok and that we would go again another time.

I've been GAL and busting my butt at work, I've pulled way back with H and am giving him a lot of space. I'm willing to ride this for a little while, but I know that at some point, I need some verbalization of committment. And I need to know that we can work through issues without blowing up. I feel a lot more relaxed around him and don't feel any tension, which makes it easier to joke around, flirt and try to act like the woman he married.