Here's to a better 2014...

[mamabird]

Previous thread:
Wife privileges reinstated, back in my own bed!

Hello friends,
On this last day of the year I hope you are all well and taking steps to move forward in a positive direction!

I wanted to give you a little update since I only post here every few months now.

The good news - I've been working very consistently and am up for a permanent job at a good place. It's close to home and the benefits would be great, so that's all very positive. It has been a good year work-wise and I've been able to regain my confidence in that area. Love the people I work with now but the job isn't a good fit in the long term.

My H and I are still working to keep our marriage going. I think we got over some big humps early in the year, namely just trying to re-establish a relationship after being in-house separated for 7 months. We kind of got into a good rhythm there, but we have hit a big crossroads just about a year into piecing.

Our lack of intimacy has been bothering me more lately. I'm not really talking about physical intimacy - it's more like I don't feel safe with him, and I haven't for a long, long time - maybe not ever, in fact. We both have intimacy issues - his around abandonment and mine around rejection so that creates a nasty little soup. His tendency is to withdraw or to push away and my tendency is to then feel rejected and withdraw too. So it gets ugly and there's not a clear or easy way out.

Secondly, H has developed a habit of "brushing off" my feelings. I've mentioned the term "gaslighting" on here before, but it keeps coming up for me. For instance, in MC yesterday I mentioned something I wasn't happy with and H's response was that it was a "rigged game" (yes, those were his exact words). Later on he said something that upset/insulted me and when I told him that, he brushed it off and basically said "too bad." That made me more upset.

When I get really upset, he will withdraw and start with "you're crazy, are you off your meds, I can't deal with this, I'm only in it for the boys, we need to D" etc. Which of course makes everything 50 times worse. It creates an atmosphere of major distrust. Last night I screamed and begged and cried for him to just treat me nicer - don't use mean words with me. (this has been an issue for a good portion of our M). It's gotten to the point where it's a dealbreaker - it feels abusive to me. I am no shrinking violet but I can't live the rest of my life not being listened to and not having my feelings validated.

I think that H finally did understand this after like an hour of screaming and crying. I told him to leave and threatened to call the police. I didn't have any actual grounds to call them but it was the only thing I could think of. I think when I did that it turned the tables a little bit. I think it was only then that H realized that I was really serious and not playing some sort of game with him. He did try to make up with me and apologized at that point.

But still, I feel raw and very upset about what happened. It doesn't feel like much of a M sometimes. I had just told our MC that I was afraid to be vulnerable with H because I didn't know what kind of response I would get, and then H went and proved that in spades. H says I need to stop blaming him for things, which I can get behind, but then how does that play out when he really is to blame for something?