Dealing with a self destructive person is frightening. Whether it's due to addiction or MLC, it's all the same. It alarms me that xh is still trying to find ways to hurt me, emotionally and financially. I've blocked him from all of the phones again since he started threatening me. Why won't he just go away? He is determined to make me pay for all of his unhappiness. None of his problems are my fault. He is completely responsible for his own happiness. Nothing he gets from me will change that.
I'm looking for a new attorney since my current one claims she has personal issues to deal with and is scaling back her practice. As hard as it is to start over yet again it may be a blessing. Her work was substandard and her lack of communication is really frustrating. I'm exhausting thinking about telling this story again from the beginning and bringing someone new up to speed. However, this time I'm prepared. I'm fairly well versed in the law and have all the documents, emails, etc. organized by event and code. I've also done an extensive time line so it should be pretty easy for someone to look over what I have and give me a suggested course of action.
What I really want is this to be over. I don't want another year of my life devoted to this toxic situation. I desperately need peace, but I won't pay xh something he's not entitled to. I've suffered enough.
I don't know how I could ever trust someone again. I can't imagine dating or bringing someone new into my life with my kids. I am very protective of them and me and won't risk upsetting the life we've created. I pray to God that one day I feel differently. I'm still young and don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but this situation pretty much destroyed me and it's taken a long time to regain my footing. Rebuilding myself is not bad, but it is emotionally exhausting.
As the new year approaches I've been happy, sad and generally emotional. I'm still grieving the loss of my Mom, so my heart is heavy. I badly want to be full of optimism for what's in store for me and my family, but, honestly, I am frightened. Even though we have been through two horrific years life can be a lot worse. I am trying hard to control my thoughts. What a challenge it is and something I need to give considerable time to going forward.
golf mom, I'm very sorry to learn that he's still trying to destroy you in his mlc way. Some of them do this for a very long time and others slither away. I'm afraid that you will be dealing w/him for a long time because of your children. Whether or not he grows up and begins to behave like an adult male is still in the future.
Do what you need to do to protect yourself. Getting a new lawyer may be the best thing you do in 2014. I know that you weren't very happy w/the former one and if you don't feel comfortable w/the work that she was performing, then it's time to seek out a new one. You've been at this a long time and you want to wrap up the financials and get on w/living your life w/o this worry.
I do hope that you and your boys had a nice Christmas and you were able to spend some time w/your father. As you know, the first holiday season is the toughest for anyone who has lost a loved one. I do hope he is doing okay and has had friends and family drop by to keep him company.
I do hope and pray that 2014 will be a far better year for you and all of the posters.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, we had a very nice Christmas. I hope you did as well. We were much more focused on the advent season then in years past and truly enjoyed the celebration.
I don't understand the need for blame, revenge and destruction by those that leave. I get their need for justification, but how do they really feel they benefit?
Xh sent a rambling email to my attorney stating how much I have hurt him financially, ruined his relationship with the boys, refused to sign all of his fair settlement offers and on and on. It was such a narcissistic point of view and incredibly skewed. Of course, there was no acknowledgement of his affair, financial destruction caused by his gambling or any other behavior that created the crisis we are in. It's still all my fault - his unhappiness during our marriage and all that has happened the last two years. Apparently he has forgotten that he also emailed that I'm a wonderful person and a great Mom. How does he rectify all of this in his brain? He is a victim of the life he created and he won't get relief until he chooses a different course.
What I really want is this to be over. I don't want another year of my life devoted to this toxic situation. I desperately need peace, but I won't pay xh something he's not entitled to. I've suffered enough.
I don't know how I could ever trust someone again.
It seems that way now, but you'll be surprised. Somebody will come along that's worth taking the risk. When you're ready, they'll be there. Trust me on that
As for the continuous berating and harassment? What? An ex that belittles, berates, harasses his ex and feels like he's getting the short end of the deal? THAT's never happened before!
Look, until the paperwork is complete, he'll be there. Until he finishes his trip, he'll harass you. How does a 2 year old benefit from throwing a tantrum? How does a teen benefit from telling their parents they hate them and wish them gone? <shrug> I dunno. But they do it.
So it is with the MLCr. They will continue to make you the target of their unhappiness until they either resolve it or find another target. The latter is more likely for many.
If it helps, my ex once sent a letter to my atty. My atty let me know she received it but said, "I couldn't read it all. It just wore me out!" I laughed because I understood. My L understood what I had been saying and that I wasn't making it up like many of her clients do. It was actually very helpful to have that. I also have several years worth of harassment. Out of the blue stuff, stuff I instigated (a long time ago), etc. But all of it inappropriate for somebody who left like her a** was on fire and her head was catching 'cause "she never loved me and deserved to be happy". A person who left on Mother's day leaving the kids with me, because it was convenient for her and her schedule.
Why do they do it? What do they get out of it? Who knows? Who cares, really? The better question is how to appropriately handle it so it minimizes the impact on YOU and gets you more quickly to your goal of getting him out of your life as much as possible.
You'll find the way. It's just over that next rise...
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thank you, AJM. I just want my life back. I'm still having a real mix of good and bad days. I'm long over the heartbreak specific to xh, but am still dealing with the loss of broken dreams. I realize that now I really have the chance to have the life I've always wanted. Not exactly the way I wanted, but much more promising than continuing on with someone who has the issues that xh has. I do know that the boys and I were worth changing for, but that's not what he wanted. Accepting that is the easy part of this journey. Healing from this experience and opening my heart again is the real challenge. Will I ever know the light, happy feeling that I used to wake up with?
It is true that now we can really have the life we wanted. Its not the same as we may have imagined but we can really have everything.
It used to be such a pain to drag H to any activity on the weekends, now I can just drag the girls.
I am close with another single mom who I met through Alanon. She has a son my older D age and she gives me someone to do stuff with. Its less isolating. I still am friends with parents that are couples but my single mom friend is more available.
Hang in there. We are blessed
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Will I ever know the light, happy feeling that I used to wake up with?
Great question. I know I wake up lighter, happier and freer than I did at the end of my marriage. It took a while.
I know I dated some wonderful women. A few crazies as well. I've enjoyed the time those people as well as many friends - both old and new.
It all started, just like figuring out my ex wasn't quite right in the head nor right about me, with the first step. It helped that I followed that with the second step. And the third and fourth...etc.
The thing is, I wasn't about to let this event in my life define my life going forward. There have been many times I wasn't sure of something and decided to do it anyway. There have been many times I was sure of something, and should have done it anyway. There are no guarantees, but all I really needed was the reason to accept the risk that I could get hurt again. It can happen, and I'm ok with that. More than I was before the events with ex began. My character and my beliefs have been tested. I can honestly say what I would do if my ex (insert whatever here). I can apply that going forward. I've learned a great deal, GM. I would NOT trade what I had nor what I've learned for anything. I have not one single regret about my actions, my behaviors, etc. Not one even though I'm not proud of them all.
But there are many many things I have to be thankful for. My ex being gone is one of them. The list is very long.
I think as you go forward and finish this stuff or come to the realization that you're ok even with the ongoing crazy intruding in your life, you'll be just fine. Better than fine. Better than you were before. And ready to accept the risk of getting attached to somebody else.
Here's to 2014!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I feel incredibly disoriented at the moment. After xh sent his rambling email a few days ago blaming me for everything, this evening he sent another one to me and the boys wishing us all peace and happiness. I wasn't sure how to respond, but opened my heart and replied "May God bless you in the new year."
Why can't that be a normal exchange? We've communicated like this very little since he left. I usually hear from the monster.
He's still a confused mess and, of course, the holidays were upon us and he felt miserable for being where he's at right now, i.e., not home w/his family. His ramblings of blame, etc., were to let you know he's still out there and yes, he wanted you to remember him. It's not the best way to go about it, but as a teenager who is still "smarting" from not getting everything that he thinks he deserves, it's the only way he can communicate and get your attention.
As for his latest missive wishing you and the boys peace and happiness...I'm glad he did it and I really liked your response.
You will see your h going up and down on the coaster for a while because he's still an emotional mess. He doesn't know which way to turn and he'll continue to lash out for a while. The best thing to do is ignore the bad behavior and if he does act like a civil human being...then recognize that behavior and be kind. They honestly do not care if they get positive or negative attention, just like little ones.
I do hope that the new year will be a much better year for you and your sons.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, I've jumped through all the hoops and, finally, my home refi will fund on Monday. Xh signed the title documents at the eleventh hour when it was spelled out for him that by deliberately hurting me he will be subject to sanctions.
Getting to this point has been incredibly difficult. When I look back at the start of it all, xh left, I had no job, I hadn't worked in 15 years and xh was threatening to stop paying the mortgage if I didn't agree to list our house. By the grace of God I landed a good job and have received several raises. I sacrificed to pay the mortgage and keep all of our bills/debts current. I did it!
The final step is to bring the remaining issues to a peaceful resolution. If I am forced to go to trial, I am prepared. My case is strong, but, honestly, I don't want to spend anymore of my life on this. I'm glad I did the research that I did. It put me in control. I stopped acting out of fear.
I have suggested mediation to my attorney. She's all for it, especially since she wants off this case. I found a mediator who is highly recommended. We've been in contact and will talk next week. I believe xh will opt for this since he is tired of paying legal fees. He's also at the end of the road. His last card to play was to try and convince everyone, including the boys, that I couldn't refi so "the house must be sold." He did everything he could to block my efforts.
I've learned through all of this that xh has a personality disorder and maybe more than one. I mean that in the most serious clinical sense. His gambling is just one expression of a very big underlying issue. It explains all of his narcissistic behavior, lack of emotional attachment, paranoid thinking, lying, etc. I finally understand what I've been dealing with all of these years. Of course, there were periods of time when life together was very enjoyable. That's what I held onto. I chose to see the good in xh or maybe I just buried my head in the sand. I don't know.
I just want my life back. I am praying for peace with every bit of me.
