Coming Back To Life

[LoisB]

Cat, I haven’t had R talks with my H since last October. Did anything change in my sitch? Nope. Today he came and we just did business and small talk. Was it DB? Absolutely, according to the rules. But, and I know you don’t like this word, is there any hope for change? Nope! He likes the status quo. And he is not going to do anything.

I agree, that being emotional doesn’t help the sitch, but it is better than nothing, like in my. Pud’s H hasn’t left yet. And at least she got her emotions out. I think I should do the same, because there is nothing to lose for my anymore. I cannot let H to eat his cake anymore. I think what Pud feels as well.

Pud, I don’t really know what kind of advice I want to give you. I’m just getting disillusioned with the whole DB principle. My H doesn’t fit it, period. I would still maintain my dignity and not beg, plead, or present myself as a victim. I’m better than that. And if he thinks he can find a better person to handle his crazy personality, I wish all the best.

Bright, I brought this over from Pud's thread because it seemed important.

I'm sorry the meeting with your H was a downer.

I've struggled with the DB concepts too.

Here's what I think:

You and I are on similar timelines in this journey. It's been around 2 years since the BD and big changes in our lives in terms of our husband's decisions to move on.

We've watched other situations work out and some end the marriages. It's hard to stand by and watch even the smallest glimmers of hope in other situations when we don't see anything in ours.

I think Michelle's DB suggestions, especially with MLC, are spot on. I think the veterans here have lots of years of witnessing, learning and experiencing MLC on a personal level.

But the title of the book and the boards is "Divorcebusting." We come here to save our marriage. We have expectations to save our marriages.

Yet, the approach is similar to Al-Anon in that you may come into the program to "fix" a spouse, but, ultimately, you work on yourself and that may be the thing that changes EVERYTHING.

When you go to Al-Anon, you know the odds may be slim your spouse will get sober. But, you still work the program because you learn it's really about you getting better and the spouse getting sober thing is just the dessert--if it happens.

The suggestions Michelle and the women on these boards make are solid suggestions. As I continue to move forward, I see, with more and more clarity, why we should STFU and why we should retreat from any expectation we had of our spouses prior to BD.

The MLC-er, like the addict/alcoholic, is in a war with himself/herself. For whatever reason (maybe the answers will come in the future when MLC gets its fair amount of research)--whatever the reason, these individuals are in "crisis" --they are fragile, they are hurting, they are not in their right mind.

For us to unload all of our hurt feelings and angst on them, at this point, is maybe even a bit cruel, although understandable. It's like battering a patient in a psych ward with club in order to "make them see" their mistakes. They simply can't.

Although you think you saw no hope yesterday with your H, you aren't a mind reader and you aren't an expert in mid-life depression. You just aren't. What you saw could've been a million different scenarios:

1. A man working really hard to present to you the image of Ok-ness. 2. He could've been scared as hell to face you. Sounds like he has some preconceived notions of his own thanks to the feedback he's getting from your mutual friends.
3. A guy full of guilt and anger at himself and only able to face you by pulling together all the false bravado he could muster.

There's three possibilities. Just three. The point is...you don't know.

It [censored] not to know. I get that. And, I can't imagine the feeling you may have, at this point, to still wonder if another person is involved.

Maybe it's time to ask? Maybe it's time to formulate a very carefully crafted, short email or letter, addressing your feelings right now and your questions about his life.

I would craft it with the intention of addressing a mental patient. You have no idea where his head is at and I think the less you attack, lecture, moralize the better--I speak from a lot of experience. Stick to the facts you want to know. Speak your truth without attacking his.