I don't know if I know how to actually post to one of these, and I think I already posted an intro, but I'm gonna try again I am 35, my wife is 31. We've been together for nine years and have been married for 5. We have three children 12/6/2. We have had issues throughout our marriage, mostly my issues with honesty, and finances. After separating in July of this year, she moved out with the kids, they then moved back in September. So the kids could start school. When she was first back we were focused, attending counseling, and making us a priority. And then of course life happens, and we gradually stopped our efforts. She started backing away emotionally, and I became more and more aggravated, until last Saturday night at my Christmas party. After too much alcohol, I accused her of flirting with someone and verbally assaulted her. That night she asked me to move out. But she said that I could wait till after the holidays. So now we have a crap load of family Holliday events to attend, and I don't know if I can handle it. I don't want to leave, and I don't want it to end....
So as I've been waiting for my membership to be approved here I've been learning a lot of good stuff here, and I am trying to put it into practice. But it's so freaking hard to maintain when we are acting as if everything outside of me and her is ok...we're even still sleeping in the same bed with a pillow in between us.
Imam reaching out for something to help me thru this.
I saw your post over in Sex Starved Marriage and tracked your posts back to here.
I feel your pain, as I have been to this place, where you are now, a long time ago.
I know what it feels like to be going through the motions of being a family while all this drama is running in the background.
So, there is good news and bad news.
Let me tell you the bad news first. Your marriage might not survive (as in it might come to divorce and ending of the marriage relationship with your wife). Even though you are sharing in a place where most people are committed to keeping that from happening, it does happen. Ultimately, it will take both of you pulling this back and both of you committed to pulling this back together.
There is good news. Your marriage might not survive. But I mean this in a wholly different way because the marriage you have, the marriage as you know it, is not working. And THAT marriage, as you have known it and as your wife has known it, probably needs to "go away" to be replaced by a different marriage with different communication skills, different senses of shared responsibilities and a different sense of intimacy.
Changing who you are is incredibly difficult (same is true for your wife). Seeing who you are and how that plays out throughout your life and then choosing something different is only a little easier IF you are actively involved and PRESENT in your own life without falling back into the "old habits" that you've learned (and spent years training others in how to see you).
The possibility of giving up a marriage that isn't working and replacing it with one that does (with the person that you are currently married to) is not an unrealistic hope. It is something worth working toward.
Here is the other good news. You can survive and thrive. I know there are times when it won't seem like it and Christmas holidays make this even worse. The best thing you can do in the short-run is to be the best father/dad you can be for your children and do whatever you can to keep them from being "in the middle" of this situation. But also take care of yourself. The mental health aspects of this stress can have some very challenging physical health aspects to it. And it is very easy to ignore your own health because other things seem to be a very high priority compared to yourself.
I don't have the answers, only a shared perspective of having gone through something like this. My first marriage did end with divorce despite what I was willing to do to work things out. And my second marriage has its own issues as a long-term sexless marriage (which changes or greatly eliminates the sense of intimacy in the relationship) which is why you would find my story over in that forum.
Hope this finds you well.
The Captain
Last sex: 04/06/1997 Last attempt: 11/11/1997 W Issues "No Means No" Declaration: 11/11/1997 W chooses to terminate sex 05/1998 I gained 60, then lost 85 pounds. Start running again (marathons)