wow- sounds like things are much improved around your home- i'm glad for you.
Quote:
If I hadn't elevated him, my feelings for him, our marriage to such an extraordinary level, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Falling from so high a height hurts so much more. And yet if I didn't have that history with him, if I hadn't built up to that height with him, I don't think I would be here right now. I wouldn't have waited as long as I did.
interesting you saying this- it's how i feel too. It was the best r i knew of- all my friends and everyone we meet (still) (go figure) see us interact and say how nice, blah blah blah.
if they only knew. i am amazed at the things your h says and opens up and apologizes, recognizes, etc.
i've still got no spew- but no words of affection or much of anything in way of commitment, apology (God forbid ) , one small small t hing, a month or so ago - (you will feel good when you hear what a small s tinking crumb i'm existing on) he called, after spending a weekend with ow- i knew and didn't answer phone- we didn't talk for four days (a long time for us to not speak) - and he said "i know i have no right to say this, but I couldn't sleep last night because i was thinking about you and what a "hole" i'd have in my life without you in it".
i was nice about it- said he should always feel free to talk about what he feels and thinks -
it's sooooo paltry isn't it? it's been such a long long awful couple years- when i hear wht your h says and that he even acknowledges it when someone on tv cheats and you flinch- my h thinks (i guess - since he doesn't talk) that it's just find. he watches jerry springer or someone like that- everyone is cheating on everyone else- he hasn't even got the sensitivity to know it's a sore topic- i even say what slimers they are- he doesn't comment-
i know he's got a brain in there- i am not so sure anymore what he's got for a heart tho. i cannot imagine how he can go around daily being nice or pleasant and still pay bills and keep me "on a string" - and not have an ounce of empathy. if i had to guess he's probably thinking it's my choice to still be in his life. so what? no responsibility on his part to acknowledge, reassure, whatever.
it's a mess really- i read your post and think how very nice that your h is "stepping up" and talking and being there and saying he knows now he wants to be with you, etc.
i'd kill to hear something like that. i don't think i ever will. i think i'm losing faith totally- i'm just doing this because of how very good it all was - i can't seem to eradicate my entire adult life of memories with him- i can't seem to get rid of him because i see him as my "family" and like my mother who is usually pretty hard to deal with- they're part of me & my life (that sort of thing).
so- i'm happy for you- so much you said is exactly how i feel-
i have a notion that alllllll (or alot) the things we all do as women - with in laws, with the house, with the family, just alllllllllll the little & big stuff that makes a family run, a house run, a life run, an r run, etc.- GOES UNNOTICED by men. my h, it's stuff they do not do, would never occur to them to do, and so, i guess, just is not part of their world. i do not feel appreciated - almost ever. idk how it got like that- i began thinking this guy loves me for exactly what i am and everything aboutme is okay with him.
fast forward- 38 years later- somehow i feel like nothing about me is okay with anhyone. either i'm awful these days- or , well, idk...
your comments about needing to talk about the past year- and not wanting to talk about it too. it's hard. i'm not exactly sure what i think about that. part of me wants to ask questions, smetimes i do- but then, when i hear it, i want tojust walk away and not know it. lately i do not ask- i assume tho, and i know it's bad also. my imagination is terrible and i make myself unhappy with it.
my brain tells me to let it all go. i have a girlfriend who managed to weed her way thru her h's mlc & ow, etc- on her own without even knowing about mwd. she went on instinct- she says now (they're back together- she didn't leave him tho had gotten a lawyer & movingh truck and was on her way out the door) BUT - INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH. she says she's glad they stayed togethert- she will never ever feel as much in love as she did before it all - and things are fine as long as she does not mention or refer to engtire thing- that her h needs to feel like it never happened - and he is back where they started. can you imagine? but she's letting him have that- and she's willing to just put it all behind her.
amazing storeis out there- people whove "done this" and come out other side. the neighbor's daughter was separated from her h for three years - she got an apartment!!?? - he stayed in the house - he had drinking problem and ow- then somehow they got back together. they're together now - i can tell she worries or wonders now or then- but says it's okay. so wtf?????
i wonder about your ring- why not tuck it away in a pretty box and get a new ring- to go with the new marriage andjust let the old one be a nice momento? or something like that?
i know what you mean about sentimental momentos hurting you. i cna't look at alot of things - my life and houses are full of things from trips- happy moments, etc. toooo much. i can't even wear a ring h gave me back in the beginning- it was a loving gesture- now it's just painful to be remindd.
does it ever go away- who the heck knows- we'll have to comment here in five or ten years.
and this is all from (i think) a more detached perspective and with less gut wrenching-ness than ever before since i found out about his ow and his mlc.
i guess i'm sayin- you sound like you're doing great with alot of this- i think we're alllllll feeling the same things as you- in different degrees and probably will forever carry it around a bit- i'm thinking we can't survive it unless we can come to grips with it and stow it somewhere that doesn't continually rub us. i think with my own sitch- IF IT EVER got normal- i'd have to just STOP thinking about it- acknowledging it happened and certainly (*yeah rite) mentioning it or taking shots about it. idk if that's possible- just what i think now. OH NUTS - THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY JUST STINKING FORGIVE HUH? can we do it? who the hell knows that one??? i am happier when it's out of my mind totally- and when i get talking to someone and "going there" i work myself into a misery state (sort of) and that can't be good either. back to stfu huh? maybe i need to remain calm & don't overthink everythin in the universe.
oh yeah- my h also says i analyze and over think everything too that he says. there's sooo little of it- how could he even notice? i wonder. it is an impediment to communication. i can do that i know. - i'm trying not to. i don't think i am lately because quite frankly- i'm sick of thinking about it, bout me, bout him, my mother- my life- sick of it all. of course, he thinks my life is all about him too - his assumption and ego. he always said i was "taking the temperature" of the r too much. when you live with someone you notice what is going on with them and do try and help - dont you???? if i knew he was unhappy and cheating i'd probably wouldn't even ever have asked what was up with him or was going on that was making him edgy or whatever - i f'ing would have known.... his stupid fault for being a stinking liar! the dope- of course we notice their emotions & wonder - duhhhhhh.
it's hard - but is it possible - allll the way??? does it matter? i'm outta here-
good luck - sounds good on your front- and i'm happy for you.
