not as scared or confused. . still hopeful (II)

[FlyOnTheWall]

I know you've heard the term "rewriting marital history", most don't realize its not just the WAS that does it thou.

LBS's to it too, at first we tend to only think of everything wonderful, and even some of the bad/not so great stuff seems to be put on a pedestal and lessened.

"Morning comes and he says we will talk later and it hits me that our entire marriage has been me trying to get him to participate. To talk about money or kids or relationship and him always saying later"

After time, and if things aren't going so well, we're willing to more and more take things off the pedestal and re-evaluate the past. We pick and choose our memories much like our WAS does, but not so one-sided.

We don't change the past as much as they do, but we do replay scenarios over again to help justify some of our feelings. We do tend to not see both sides of the story at the time it was happening. Like talking to a wall, we wanted our side heard, if it wasn't done our way, then we attribute it to their lack of effort.

Maybe it was just frustration, maybe it was taken as nagging, maybe it felt like, oh god not again. Looking back at some of those interactions, would you have handled them differently now? Did he ever feel like he had a say, or maybe it was it doesn't matter, she's not going to be happy with my effort anyways, so why try?

These are all questions for you. I know many a time, it got to a point with my wife, it was never fast enough, good enough, or done with the same fervor that she did it. The endless complaining that I wasn't doing enough or hard enough, I gave up, if I was going to get nagged to death it might as well have a reason. Not healthy I know, but its a dynamic I think we all disregard at the time its happening. But something we have to be willing to look at within ourselves in letting it get to those places.

[juliegayle]

Sorry it takes so long for me to reply sometimes. ..I have to sit with things for awhile. (Funny how I do this with almost everything in my life but with H I always spoke and acted without thinking and look where that got me)

JonF Thank you for your perspective on the WAS desire to be free. I agree most of the time that it is crap. If you make a commitment as big as marriage you work things out together. But then the part of me that really wants to be a better person says that if I really love him as much as
I say I do I should sincerely want him to have the freedom he desire. Does marriage and freedom have to be mutually exclusive? If anyone has a formula where both can coexist I would love to hear it.

Paul- you asked how I saw my llfe if my H disappeared. It is funny because I have definitely thought about that before in past rocky periods. I fantasize about it now because it would mean I could move my son away so I could be nearer to family and friends. But in reality I don't want him to disappear. I am looking at what I want my life to be like without his influence. One teeny tiny thing on my list is to color the gray hairs popping up. I never did because h didn't want me to. The new me who wants to be more vibrant and out going needs a pick me up. I have a long list of big and small things to work on.

[juliegayle]

Labug- whenever I read your posts I picture you sitting lotus style handing out your wisdom. I know your perspective comes from time and a lot of hard work and I hope I can be as rational at some point.

I do think that at the moment things feel less like a roller coaster and more like a see saw. The only thing that has really changed is how I react to things. I am still in shock sometimes that 4 mos ago I really thought my M was better than it had ever been and now I live in a house with a stranger who can't stand the sight of me.

The biggest thing for me was admitting that H is on a path that I cannot control and that he has been on this path for longer than I have realized. It is a path I dont like and I personlly feel that he is heading in the wrong direction. For a long time I was standing in the path trying to redirect but all that was really happening was that I kept getting run over. So I have stepped off the road and now feel like I am watching this all unfold.

This is probably not the best response either because I am not dealing with practical matters like financial arrangements or consulting a L. But I will when I have to.

I did apologize for a past wrong tonight. Most of the things he has been bringing up lately are really exaggerated. Tonight he brought up an incident that I really have regretted for years. I told him so and he really didn't want to hear my apology but then said thank you. He may have just said that so I would go away but I think I did the right thing.

[juliegayle]

Blues G - the reality is that nothing has really changed. The stitch is still the same I just stay out of it and do my own thing as best I can. Yes he is still having an A and still lying. (Although now he says I am not his wife and never have been so maybe in his mind ...)

You asked how long it seemed he wanted to be free. When we met he was newly divorced and said he never wanted to get married again. I never brought it up. He pushed for marriage after about a year together. He has always talked about wanting to be a pirate and live outside of society. I always thought it was just a male fantasy but now I wonder that he wasn't telling me something all along. In the last few months there has been an increasing display of escapism. The increased drinking. Obsessive detailed projects which he focuses on for hours with no time for even the kids.

FotW- while my H's ability to rewrite our entire life together us maddening I do realize I have done it as well at least twice. At first I took everything he said and started to believe that it was all my fault. The benefit of that is that it made ne look really hard at myself and I found a lot of things I did not like. I am slowly working to change those things.

Now I am starting to see more of his faults. I know somewhere in the middle is more of the real story.

[juliegayle]

One more post and then bed. S was visiting grand parentd this wknd so I went out with a friend sat night. This is something I never do since I am either always at work or with s. Well that night I talked to s on phone and h skyped him.

Tonight h is drinking and he stumbles into my room demanding to know where I was 2 nights ago. I tell him out with a friend and he wants more info. I told him if we were going to start being accountable for our whereabouts that was fine and gave him the details. He then back tracked and said he didn't care but S was asking for me and it was so irresponsible for me to miss the (unscheduled) Skype chat. He then said he can't stand me and slammed door in my face.

Back on the see saw.

[FlyOnTheWall]

The opposite of love is indifference (not emotion at all).

Anger, jealousy are just by-products of bad communication.

Anger is def. better than indifference, when we allow ourselves to validate the interaction. A slow process can happen, healing and forgiveness.

Your doing great, the process is like novacaine, give it time, it works.

[labug]

Stay off the see saw, you don't have to become a part of his drama. You're dealing with a substance, not a fully functioning adult.

Whatever your H is self-medicating for, it probably has nothing to do with you.

You can be compassionate and empathetic with your H but you first have to be those things with yourself.

I had to laugh when I read your description of me cause it is so far from where I was 3-4 years ago-then it was more like Woman With Hair on Fire. I was firmly caught up in being a victim.

Thanks for seeing the change.

[juliegayle]

Just needed to take a breather. We have our annual dance party/hor dourve buffet with the kids. H is spewing hate at me whenever he gets a chance. But I mentally prepared for this behavior so I am saying a silent F you too and having fun with kids.

[bluesgal]

Hope things went well for you, Julie! Happy new year!

[Wonka]

The opposite of love is indifference (not emotion at all).

Excuse me for the hijack, but felt compelled to respond to Fly here.

In my view, 'hate' is opposite of love. Indifference is feeling absolutely nothing--for either love or hate. Detachment is removing yourself from the person/situation and still caring about the person. See?

Just my 2 cents here...

Please do carry on. Happy New Year!