bent not broken

[nero]

hey hi- (havwe to leave before editing this- my mom needs help on phone_ ) hope it makes sense & might help a bitl]

you're not alone feeling allll this junk you do- (READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! I can type faster than think- so it got a bit lenghty) ta da...thank you an ddrive thru please

i've just read your last couple posts- your rundown of who you are. i feel alot like you- alot of the time.

I'd say upfront that very probbly what person below says about "it's coming- whether you like it or not" - is probably true. feeling soooooo out of control in this sitch (your very own life!! (for cripes sake) is the awful part. For us all. I sit around waiting to see what happens "in the end" here- hope one day i will see my way clearly and jump up and ACT. GOD alone knows if that's gonna happen-

I am fearful of all the crap that D will bring. D is not good and there is bound to be more hurt up ahead for me.

we all feel like that - i'm pretty sure. i hate thinking my "security"& love (& life) is gone - and it feels mighty like it alot of the time. i'm thinking it's okay to realize we're a bit insecure and fearful too - as long as it's not crippling me & you. . but for me to say it's not there is just lying.

you sound pretty much like you're managing to work around it- and so, since you have to be you, isn't that good enough right now? can you let self off that one hook? demanding you be all tough guy .

This is a fear. I will now have to worry. Worrying solves nothing. I know.
Others have it much worse. I know.

yeah-me too. HOWEVER - HERE'S what i think about it - i was rather poor as a kid too. my dad died when I was 18 (at home- watching changed me alot) - it killed my college plans and changed my life/future. BUT it makes us who we are too. My mom, unlike yours, was not educated or in the least sophisticated. She got a string of poor little jobs, worked hard and kept us all afloat and did a remarkable job. it's made her bitter and mad as heck. that's her journey and way of dealing.

WHAT I'M THINKING HERE IS THO, if you "know" how to be poor and practical- maybe you can take some comfort in "knowing the enemy" sort of thing- you can cope with this. I fear the day i "go it alone totally" also. I do think tho, that i will not go under or die from it. it will be uncomfortable- and not much fun. who knows what the "upside" will be til we do it.

This is a fear. I will now have to worry. Worrying solves nothing. I know.Others have it much worse. I know.

I know this junk too- i say it to myself allll the time. it's true and it helps (list of positive things & my cup is half full too) it's true. i am a pollyanna - is it a total "cure" of course not.

the worry- i have always been a worryier in life - wierdly - since this mlc and my life falling apart totally (so i think and feel sometimes) i think i actually worry less. i realize the biggest things in life are truly out of our hands - and we cannot know or forsee - it's just the human condition. no wonder religion was invented-

here's brief outline of last few years - 2008 when my closest sister was killing herself with alcohol & died - my h "changed" to kind of awful & i was blindly unaware of why (really)(i was "understanding" and trying and trying to "fix" things) i loved & trusted him unconditionally (silly me) - when h's step mom dying 2011 & i went down to fl to say goodbye in hosp - i found out about his ow(s) and my life blew to hell. (i've been simultaneously watching my mom decline (89 & dementia and me the only kid participating with her) (that's "real" hell -watching) - last year was full of hospitalizations- battles w/siblings - h's father & aunt died & we participated in their lives & deaths) idk - so much bad junk - if there's not something awful going on this minute - i'm grateful). -

sitting around for the last two years feeling like any day it will alllll end. my sister gone- my mom heading out- my h heading out - life as i know it heading out- no kidding- one can only worry soooo long about when exactly that damn axe is gonna fall on your neck- at some point ya stop caring (kind of) . know what i mean? you need to tell yourself THAT - it's happened and now you know (it's better than a terminal disease or dying) (i think) . it's like going to the dentist - you need to trust God or fate or your guts & abilities - whatever it is you have - to see you thru and know inside that whatever it is that happens next - you'll respond in the rite way for you - you won't die from it- you'll just do what is required. like your mom- you'll just pick up whatever is left to you- and carry on.


i care- but i'm sooo done "trying" to fix or figure it out - even myself sometimes . I can't fix the feeling sad sometimes - i do alot some evenings - i feel myself worrying less. i REALIZE HOW TOTALLY IT'S OUT OF MY HANDS - this stuff of accepting it's his journey- and IT'S MY JOURNEY.

is this making sense? i do feel a bit of fear and worry- we can't let it cripple us tho. a bit is normal i think. i don't even find myself wondering how it will turn out with us- i'm toooo tired to even speculate - good or bad.

I'D NEVER Have chosen any of it- i see both our parts in it all- or maybe it is allll him- who the heck knows anymore (and it doesn't matter really) . the most important person in my life has changed - seems to be someone else - was he EVER who i thought? i just get thru today- enjoy what i can and have nothing further in mind.

i am not married to him- he's ( i think now) orchestrated his life so cleverly and i'm such a "total immersion in love" kinda person for 38 years - my entire adult life it seems. i can't let go totally (throw him out of my life completely) and i can't "do this" either. i've been on a fence last couple years totally - much to the impatience and dismay of the "action oriented" people here in forum. my h is still supporting me- and i am loath to let go of that- seeeee my own fears & so on. poor is no fun at all- part of me also is the "stand your ground and fight type" .

WHEN MY TIME COMES - i'm going to feel just like you- i'm going to not die from it tho. my sister died of alcoholism triggered by her divorce & subsequent mental br eakdown- she loved that guy & his defection killed her (short version). i'm not allowing that to happen to me. i hate it all- it's not killing me. YOU TOO- i'm thinking it's okay to hate it all- it's okay to have a bit of fear or worry or human-ness here with this mess thrust upon us- IT'S NOT OKAY to let it kill ya or send you "under". you do not sound like someone who will do that.

so YAY- EMBRACE YOUR inner rod of steel down your spine- it sounds like you have one. that'll see you thru. .

I know we're all supposed to go thru this trusting the process and being alllll in charge - but don't you think the fear is normal? and that even tho we may not like what happens and may fear it and may not even do the "perfect" job of handling it all - ALL WE REALLY NEED TO DO HERE is go forward - deal with whatever occurs each day with as much rationality and guts we can muster - be ourselves - do our best and let go of the notion that we can even begin to control or understand "it" all. within reason- we are not "in charge" in life and certainly with these wierd mlc sitch's we find ourselves in.

you're expecting a heck of alot of yourself. ya know- fear is our instinct to protect ourselves. since your "fear" has not crippled you so much that you're hiding in a closet afraid to function- you're not doing sooooo badly. sometimes the feedback from this forum makes me feel rather inadequate in that department. I AM not the sort of person who dashes out and makes hugemoves and decisions in the blink of an eye.

Failing some life threatening sitch- if you're like me, you go slowly. That your h is an action oriented guy and pushing the D is sad and bad for you. Can you stop or alter that? i guess not. you sound like you're doing quite good with it all- who says you have to be and feel something you are not and do not feel?

the underlying fear is that little thing that holds me back too - feeling honestly that this is the wrong way for our lives to go (if we go totally out of each other's lives) . i don't have kids- there is really nothing that will demand we keep in touch- i could say tomorrow never talk to me again- and he probably would go do it.



i also have spent the bulk of my adult life putting h first - it is just some way i was formed i think- .

I'm from a family of 5 girls. - three kids below me- it's just a way of life being part of a group and the needs of others being first priority. (for want of a better explanation) don't you think?. h is an "only child" pretty much - him first - it never seemed that offensive really , he was/is overall kind and generous. - i think part of why he chose me and i chose him allll those years ago. i'm pretty sure allllll the going back and figuring out is wasted time .

[willbwell]

nero, I am so touched by your post.
You are so right. the fear won't cripple me. I will be able to get up each day and do the work that needs to be done.
forward on...
I know I am very capable. going at it alone was not what I wanted definatley.
It is really much more peaceful around my house right now with h gone. I don't worry about what I'll say , what the kids do-h's reaction...

I remember in the beginning, if h got mad about something(insignificant)I'd be devastated for days. H is type A. I am much more lax. He would always "catch" if I missed a spot in cleaning. Butr, I got to where it didn't bother me...

not that h was a controlling guy. I mean more so what when he would do or say something, It wouldn't destroy me day.

so, I know I am made of tough stuff. My mom too has dementia. She's 87 ( I think) as unpretentious of a person that she is, she had a hang up on age. Funny. Age has never bothered me.but stuff my mom.
so yes, I know I'll be able to get thru. I got a strong family unit backing me too.

having known what poor looks like, tastes like. don't want someone else(OW) getting to spend what should be " my vacation"-Its no more. sure I can still have vaca with my kids.

I do have some steel in me. I am not allowing h to impact me right now. I do know how to laugh. I know goodness
I know I have given it time and patience. I see h. I think he looks sad. I see/hear the script
h too is still paying the bills.
people warn me too he is being nice(generous) for now, that may not always be the case.

my h too was the only boy in his family. his sisters called him the golden child. he grew up very sterile with a mom with depression/self esteem issues. I used to think my h was so different.
I try and show/tell my kids that things will be ok and we have to just do our best.

so thank you nero, for your wise and honest post.ou gave me a lot to consider with the worry thing. MY kids are all at home right now. so I am worry free. that's a gift.

[willbwell]

So h gave me the 'lets get the paperwork out' talk at the beginning of the week meaning he wants to discuss temp orders.
They have been drawn up but nothing discussed or signed.

he's been out of town all week.

he also wants to tell the boys about D.

I thought I'd be so productive this break. do a lot of reading. get all the financials looked at.my head is not good with numbers . I have to write it all down.

Mosly I have been cooking and cleaning. the kids being home- they want to eat all the time!
we watch a lot of tv. sleep a lot!
need to get busy!!!

went to C with s20 yesterday.it was good. s20 is a good kid, but he's drinking and we discussed that with C as well as depression. He's goes to school away and feels lost by the sit at home.
it was surprising to me to hear my s20 saying his life was a 5 out of a ten. yeah I get its half full, but come on, he's 20. he should be having the time of his life and not worried by all this crapola.

[willbwell]

reading Heather, Melissa, Amb., Nero, busting and many many others. Reading along the wise and compassionate responses. applies to me as well.

trying to come to terms with what is in my head vs heart.
D has been filed.
still hurting.
its not me, its him. his journey. didn't ask for this. don't want it, but have to go along...
sure I get the life is not fair.
sure I am pretty awesome. why should it matter if h doesn't think so? it does though. it hurts he is choosing someone else.

when did he stop caring, I want to ask? I want to text, to communicate. I have to remind myself. He Does Not Care!!!

I am bothered by the message it sends to our boys. How to come to terms with that. I can tell myself all these things until I am blue in the face.
Really,I would like to satrt to get there. to feel it.
To say, I gave it my best, but I quess it just didn't work out...

I did have expectations of h.
Let him go, you guys may say.
POOF! Be gone h!

Everyday, h texts d15 on my phone. D15 is like a 5year old. Should I ask him to get her her own phone so I don't have to be the relay person?
so, I can have nothing to do with him? to make my life easier?

Already, I am so displeased at how much money is being spent...his apt etc...

I still give it too much time. think about it too much at times. still feel nauseas at times.
Having to come to terms with how H justifies me doing everything for kids.
he pays the bills. he takes them to dinner, movie or a vacation.

Want to show h what usual custody is in our state. He won't go for it. He works too much. d15 won't want it. S17 has never stayed at h apt. h and d15 seem satisfied with an occasional 1 night overnight. but, to me a bit, h is getting everything he wants....makes him feel good, like he's doing his part.
really it is BS.

some might say, I am still focusing too much on h....
I am trying to work this censored out of my system.
believe me, I pray and pray.
I am a happy strong person.
I am still needy though. I want love. I want someone to take care of me...ME.

you guys know what I am saying???

[job]

WBW,
We do understand what you are saying about wanting love and someone to take care of you...but right now your h doesn't want to be those things for you.

It takes time to detach and yes, you are still trying to figure things out and believe me, you will never have all of the answers to the puzzle. It's difficult letting go when there are children involved.

His crisis started approximately 18-24 months before the bomb drop. It's not that he doesn't care, but the feelings for you have been stuffed way down into his soul and his issues have come to the surface. I know, it's difficult to understand how all of this plays out and that's why it's very important that you continue to read the active threads as well as the ones in the archives.

Some day, if he's one of the lucky ones, his heart an soul will begin to thaw. But, until that time, you will need to live your life to the fullest and as if he may not return.

BTW, I think it would be wise if your D15 had her own phone so that she and her father could communicate. It gets old after a while that you are having to be the go between for the calls. One better...he could call her on the house phone or email her.

I wouldn't try to show him anything in the way of custody or separation/divorce issues. He'll refuse to hear anything you have to say. The best thing to do is just file and ensure that you and the children are taken care of in the support department. Please keep in mind that you are trying to have rational discussions w/an individual who is emotionally irrational right now.

Please take care of yourself. You will get to where you need to be in time. Right now, you are right where you are suppose to be in the eyes of the man upstairs.

[LoisB]

Will,

I do know what you are saying. :-)

The parental responsibility thing--especially when a special needs child is involved--It IS B.S. It just IS. Imagining a special section of Hell just for WAS of kids--that helps me.

At the same time, I think about what he has missed. D11 wants to get her ears pierced on Saturday. H doesn't know that and she won't tell him. He isn't a part of her comfort zone anymore.

I bet there are, at least, five things you know about the current events of your kids that your H doesn't have a clue about.

Last night, I had D19 on speaker phone and D11 sitting next to me. We were laughing so hard I was crying about my mom and her new Total Gym. My mom is 70 and bought this contraption that she doesn't understand--and, yes, it could be dangerous. Somehow, she was upside down on the thing and bumped her head. It wasn't serious, but, the upshot is...it's another family moment H missed. We were laughing so hard because we have watched this Total Gym drama unfold for the past six months--ever since she decided to get one. One of millions of family moments, missed.

And, you just can't make a quick "catch up" with this stuff. This stuff is day-to-day drama--it's the little things.

If H had walked into the room, he wouldn't have gotten the joke because he has chosen to be elsewhere.

I know it doesn't feel like much consolation now. And, there are moments, when I'm arguing with D11 about getting her schoolwork done or driving back and forth to pick up D19 from college... So many moments when I feel angry--but, in the long run, I'd rather be here than the places H now considers home.

[willbwell]

I had to go take a nap. picked that over yoga. both are good for me yet can't do everything. !! . We've got a grey,rainy day here..atleast its not cold!
school starts next week.
had d15 home 2 days sick.s20 is still home.
today I will clean house!

Job, heather, thank you!!! just like those dumb MLCers,I want to be heard. I ask God to please talk louder or more clearly to me because I either can't hear or don't get it!!

constant reminders.
It is so true, I do not want to be where h is presently.
the family moments are priceless

[willbwell]

my confusion.. feedback please! I am not standing in the way of h. he filed. I responded. temp order drafted by my L, sent to h.
don't want to help D along. nothing has been signed. h is still paying bills. no formal visitation.
there has been no discussion
feel like for h to get his D, the burden has been put on me-I have to gather the financials,
of course, being smart.I know how much $ is in the bank.copies of tax returns
I am not saying anything to h about D.
When he does, I will discuss, but until then...
I am living my life. doing me and kids.my classes

[job]

When it came time for my h to divorce me, we both had to gather our financials and submit them. Needless to say, my xh did absolutely nothing towards the submission.

Keep what you worked on close to the vest and if and when the time approaches, you'll have your ducks in a row. If you aren't sure about what you want to do, sit quietly and the answers will come.

Keep the focus on you and your family for now.

[bustingout]

WBW- I agree... If you are not sure what to do with h then just leave it alone and live your life as you are. Focus on you and your life. The other stuff will fall in to place when it's time. I do this not just for the sitch with H but for other big questions as well such as if I will move or not. You can do this. Just focus on you and be read to respond, not react, when and if the time comes.