Don't know what to think

[T-boned]

Back to work. Had a full day of being alone in the desert which always allows for thinking and speculation. Since I don't have much to focus on at work right now I spent a lot of time today thinking about H and trying to understand why he is doing what he's doing. I have moments, which are becoming more regular, where I just think he's so confused he can't even see what he's doing and throwing away. I am almost ready to walk.

I keep thinking, if I was so in love with the man I knew before, but who now says he was living a lie for many years, then I guess there's no one to go back to and be in love with. I am pining over someone who isn't even there - a ghost, for lack of a better term. So what the heck am I doing wasting my precious time and emotional energy on someone who isn't and can't be there!!! Geez, Sherlock.

But I also say to myself that he is not in his right mind right now, is wrestling with his evaluation of his life and is trying to find a way to explain why he is so "F'd up" (his words). I just hope he will stop trying to avoid really looking at himself (at least that's what I think he is doing) by keeping himself so busy with everyone else in his life and clearly and honestly assess what he is losing by doing this. I have lost so much respect for him and trust in him. I don't think that matters to him right now but some day I will tell him and I hope it has some sort of impact. He's big on being respected. Despite it all, a small part of me wants to leave the door slightly ajar just in case. And yet I realize he may not be the man I loved before. Like I said, it may just be I am in love with a ghost.

Haven't heard a word from him this whole holiday season. I don't know who he talks to about all this - it's not my neighbor who is trying to maintain a friendship with him. Neigbor says H doesn't talk at all about me or our situation - H just talks about drinking beer with his buddies and/or going on camping trips with them. One of the guys H talks about spending time with was a guy my H could barely stand to be around - avoided him at all costs. So strange. . . Neighbor says it's a pretty sad situation over at H place - kind of depresssing in some respects. Neighbor says he doesn't really recognize H anymore either - I mean he looks the same but his spirit is gone when you look in his eyes, but when H laughs, the neighbor says to himself, "Oh there you are!" I know what he means - I see the same thing when I see him on those rare occasions. Like I can look right through him. It all just feels so wrong but all I can do is look out for myself and get busy livin'.