I spoke with my mother again today, she is so far sticking by me. Tonight, I kept hearing what my H. wrote..." It's easy when things are handed to you..." It hurts to the core.
I'm sure he intended that, and it does. This stage is so painful, I worked so hard and all he sees is that I had to have things, but doesn't remember that I didn't. To this day I know the difference between want and need.
I did want, and I never pushed, demanded, I just supported why I wanted it back then. I wanted my time to be with the girls, to create memories and be able to do things for them.
I didn't sit at home and eat bon bons. I cleaned every other day, and I coached, lead scouts, planned, taught them skills, drove my daughters everywhere. I wanted the best education for them. Every time my oldest went into public school, she shut down. Her psychologist wanted her out, her tutor, who was mastered in L.D., E.D., and G.T. wanted her out.
I am so saddened by the way he is perceiving our past marriage. He doesn't remember any of the times when I was trying to please him. The lingerie, the marriage workbook, the times I tried to surprise him.
It is as if I am now the cause of all the money issues. Is this normal? If he is trying to make me guilty, why? Why wait for thirty years and then run? Does he not remember how I stuck by him through his quitting a job without one in hand?
Does he not remember that I stood by him when he got downsized, we had to sell our house of 15 years? I found us a tiny little cottage, where the rent was so inexpensive that he could try and start his own business? That we actually saved money? Does he not remember that he wanted to rent an executive home like we sold? We would have been paying way more in rent and not have had the money to buy what he now wants to let go?
I don't understand how he blames me for a relationship between my daughter and I? It is our relationship, and I gave everything I had to help her, educate, give her social skills, executive functioning skills, and life skills? I guess it is easier to blame me, than to see she has depression, OCD, socio-emotional immaturity and more.
I feel very uncomfortable with where this is going. Is this a cycling back to the anger side of depression? The I didn't say "no" and now I'm going to punish you for it?
Is he finding his voice and now is going to the extreme opposite . Practicing on me, so he can do it now and in the future? Or is this a form of punishment, making me a monster? I look back and do hear a rebellious teen. He's lashing out . Will he always blame me and have such venom and fury? Or is this him getting it out, venting?
I know he's angry at himself, but it is now being directed at me. What is the point? I need to reread some DR to see if there are any answers3.
Yes, I'm protecting myself, but I was with this man for over 33 years. If he is over me, why such anger, why not apathy? Why anger over my weight loss? If this wasn't so sad, that would almost be funny. Could he subliminally see that it is the stress and separation, the pain? Forty five pounds , if I could have done this before why would he think I wouldn't have?
Does he really believe I lost it to spite him to keep him from having the body I'm in now ? To be frank, my face looked better with weight. Is he angry because he's feeling attracted to me, and he feels he can't have me now? Has he been trying to hook up with other women, and the grass isn't greener so he resents not leaving sooner? I find it interesting that he wrote pleasing himself was more satisfactory than initiating . For when we had sex, he couldn't maintain an erection and he was angry about it.
Was his anger then, a way to cover up his frustration, his embarrassment? I always thought he knew it was normal. Has it happened to him with someone else lately, and the Viagra didn't work? Well I learned my lesson, STFU. I'm glad I never responded back.
I have asked some insurance questions and I'm trying to get some information for the future. Quick questions and a quick thanks.
I'll finish my list tomorrow. Spoke briefly with the attorney, and let her know I planned to retain her. I got the opportunity to spend some time with a friend today. She offered to by me a chai, and I accepted. Very hard to do this.
Spoke with an insurance agent about the fire, and had an antique dealer give me a replacement value. The same for the art that was turned to charcoal. Don't have a receipt for the rug, so hoping an adjuster will have an idea.
I have to think about developing my own credit. Funny, I threw out a card that was trying to hook me in, guess I could of used it. I'd rather not have a credit card, but rather develop it another way.
Didn't get to the gym...tomorrow I must. My youngest wants to come to Swing Dance this Friday night! She really DOES like it. I'm thrilled, and just adored watching her have fun! She's 21 and actually likes being in my company and doing this . Who'd a thunk?
Please God, allow me to save the house and provide for myself and be there for my girls. Keep them safe and allow my husband's pain to dissipate without causing destruction and devastation. Keep him physically healthy and help him to come to a place of peace, to forgive me, and himself. Open his eyes and help him to accept and love himself. Amen
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
