Coming Back To Life

[BrightFuture]

So, here is the update. Sorry, it is going to be long. He came with the guy who I know at the vacation place. The guy came to visit his Dad in our city. It is hard for me to collect my thoughts right now. I was felling OK, a little tense, but I think in general I was fine. He didn’t show any excitement in seeing me. I didn’t get a hug like I did last time when he came to the house. He left without giving me one also. This is a bit strange, because he gives hugs to people easily.

He went straight to pick up his mail, which was on the kitchen table. Asked a few questions about the business, if I deposited his payments for his invoices. Grabbed the bills for the condo and property HOAs and taxes. I asked him if he wanted to pay for the property, since he told me before that he was going to live it to me. That piece of property is not worth much and there is not development in that area. He told me that he would pay it this year, and maybe next year we can sort it out. He told me that out male friend over there told him that I was inquiring about this property and whether I could trade it to something better. The male friend also told him that I have some equity in my house, so maybe someday I would want to sell it and buy a house in the vacation place, and the friend would be willing to help me with this. I just smiled and said that it was just a conversation. H said that he told our friend the same, that there would be no way I would do that. I just smiled. So, here is to proof that all my conversations with our friends over there are getting passed on to H.

I asked H if he had a sinus surgery, and he said he did and he is very happy about it.

He asked me about my work and expressed a genuine concern that I still didn’t get one. I downplayed it and said that I would get something soon.

Then he was looking for some pictures of his family on in the living room. We had them stacked on the piano. He found some.

He wanted his plastic dolphin that he had since before we were married. This dolphin is supposed to get filled with ice and crushed, I think, when his favorite football team wins super bowl. They haven’t won in years, so the dolphin just stayed in the corner of the living room.

I told him about the boxes with real estate stuff I packed for him and he loaded them in the car. Then I asked if he wanted to pick up the rest of his clothes. He asked “do I still have some clothes here”? He picked up the bags.

He asked me about what my son wanted for New Years and I gave him a list my son gave me. He said that he would pick it up tomorrow and bring it over. Gosh, do I have to see him again?

Well, it all went like there was not a distance and all this time between us for months. He looks the same, wearing the same clothes. He smelt like sweat, probably from driving for 4 hours. It just means he was not concerned about looking nice and smelling nice, he didn’t care if he would make any impression on me, I guess. He looked me in the eyes, but there was nothing to indicate that he missed me even a little. It was all business. He looked at me like he saw me yesterday and it was not a big deal. I think his love for me is completely gone. There is not even a drop of it left. It still hurts. He is just the same old H, he just doesn’t want to be with me.

Like I said, it was almost like normal conversation we would have before the BD. He didn’t hesitate to walk around the house, walked in my bedroom like he had the right to.

We talked a little bit about the dog too. I told him some details about me and dog having good time at the vacation home, at the ocean.

He asked if I did oil change for his car. I told him some details about some repairs I had to do and thanked him for letting me to use the car. He told me that I could do it again when he goes back to work next spring, unless I will have my own car by then to drive to Mexico. I said that I will probably have my own car.

He told me that I could come over to the vacation home in the beginning of February to pick up my visa, because he will be going someplace for a week at that time. I guess this is why he needs his camper. Now, I’m curious if he actually brought somebody (an OW) with him.

So, here I am. I don’t think that I have any special feelings for him either. Just the sadness that we could have a good marriage and work out our problems and be a happy couple again. But, there is nothing in his behavior to indicate that he regrets his decision. He treats me like an acquaintance, like our split is not a big deal. This is just so not right. What kind of person I was married to? He seems ok and happy. He is done. He is living up to his words that there is no way back to the M.

I don’t know what I feel right now. I was prepared for this. I just hoped that he would be more happy to see me. I’m drinking wine now. I’m glad it is over tonight.