Moving In

[adinva]

Thanks for all the perspectives!

I feel that in my marriage I took over all of the emotional and relationship efforts for my H and beyond that for his family. And now that I'm stepping back a little I can see that they just aren't that giving.

SIL I used to see almost weekly for a board game and snacks with H before we were married, but always at her house. Later, holidays, but always at her house and on her schedule. I thought we were close but realized that we weren't really, we just did things if H and I extended ourselves to meet her right where she was. Otherwise, nothing much. She seems like she cares, but she doesn't.

Last Christmas when I left her house (Christmas in January) I thought she must not have known about me and H, and I had told him I was only attending if he let his family know he had moved out. I wasn't pretending through another Christmas. And nobody said anything. Nothing. So afterward I touched base just to ask if she knew, and she breezily said "oh I knew it just wouldn't be awkward if we didn't make it awkward." and said she'd love to get together. But a year has gone by and no coffee, no call, no email, no text, so yeah, I'm not feeling that close to her.

Conversely I reached out the same to my H's brother's wife, and got love and hugs and tears and several coffees, and real talk. I feel close to her.

Same with H's cousins who I invited to my Christmas party. So, I'm loosening the ties that were in obligation only, and I'm strengthening the ones where I feel some reciprocal care.

And when I hit a wall and feel like I'm going to explode from smiling and being polite and holding my feelings in, well, then I'll be unavailable for a bit.

Also it is high time H picked up the reins to his own stagecoach. No one is preventing him from facilitating his kids' relationship with his side of the family.