Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I got a text this morning at 11 asking if I was going to uncle's 90th birthday party at 1. I replied that I had not known about it and had other plans.
Taking care of me, level two.
I'm gearing up to tell my sister in law that I'm also not going to be attending the H-family Christmas in January.
It's really nice that SIL continues to include me as if nothing has changed, but sometimes it is too hard on me to gloss over the fact that things have changed. It occurred to me that it might actually be harder on H, or at least somewhat hard. Maybe he'd like to go to his family Christmas and not have his X hangin' around.
I need my weekends now; it's a really stressful and busy time for work and I have to take excellent care of myself to do a good job.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I think it is nice of your SIL to continue to include you in family events. That is thoughtful & considerate. But it also sounds like you are ready to let go of that. And that shows strength and growth on your part. Some people never move on from here but many (like me) lost his side of the family for the most part when we split, some family members stay in touch but i do not get invited to family events (though they really don't have them after anyway). They also leave out my kids.
You are taking big steps fwd. moving into 2014 I'm sure you can look back & realize how far you've come.
I think it was easier letting ex's family go then trying to keep them in my life. Things were saiid that were very hurtful. I still love his Mom but it is easier just having moments here and there.
It was hard enough getting the five of us to a better place, let alone trying to help his family. I did find out after the divorce via my kids that they tried to convince their son that he was making a terrible mistake. A little late I suppose.
Heal yourself. If you want a relationship without them fine but if you want to keep them in your life, that is something worth working out. No one says that you have to include your ex.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Oddly my X's family have all opted to keep in touch/see me when they can. I am glad of that, both our families are small. I want my kids to stay in contact with their aunts and uncles and cousins. I was always to communicator, guess that will continue.
Take Care!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
...it's a really stressful and busy time for work and I have to take excellent care of myself to do a good job, or play the guitar, or sing, or hike, or bike, or have fun with my kids.
All those things that make Ad, Ad!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I am lucky in that my ex-inlaws have kept in touch with me as well. In fact currently I am closer to my ex's two sisters then she is. They have told me point blank that I will always be part of their family and that their sister divorced me and they didn't. I feel very blessed in that regard.
I kept my in-laws as family, and mine has kept my XH as well. I know it's not all hunky dory in other families, but it works for us. It especially works for my kids - they know that they are loved by both sides and that we maintain those ties. I think my XH has it best - my parents have been more supportive of him than his folks ever were, and they see each other regularly as he travels to DC quite a bit.
Whatever works for you and the kids will be the best. I made a promise to my XH's SIL (who has always been a big sister to me) that I wouldn't put her in the position of making alliances to me at the cost of his GF. She thanked me and said if it ever came to that, she and my BIL would do what is best for them - after all, they will be there for support when my D19 takes over as trustee of my disabled D16 if we bite the dust. To her, the alliance is obvious.
Anyway, happy new year to all!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
One of the fantasies my X spouted included us happily sitting across from each other with our new spouses during her families Christmas dinner. To her side of our family I have been brother and father figure. It makes sense I am invited. It doesn’t make it easier when she is present and I am certain she now wishes I would just fade away.
We feel what we feel and I think being honest about that to people who care is important. You’re making an effort to keep some semblance of normalcy for your children and that is important and laudable. They appreciate it now and will do so more in the years to come. I think car pooling with your H at this point is over the top and misrepresents the current state of affairs.
We’re all still healing and at different rates. Choose to do for you what is good for you. The people who love and care for you will understand.
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
I feel that in my marriage I took over all of the emotional and relationship efforts for my H and beyond that for his family. And now that I'm stepping back a little I can see that they just aren't that giving.
SIL I used to see almost weekly for a board game and snacks with H before we were married, but always at her house. Later, holidays, but always at her house and on her schedule. I thought we were close but realized that we weren't really, we just did things if H and I extended ourselves to meet her right where she was. Otherwise, nothing much. She seems like she cares, but she doesn't.
Last Christmas when I left her house (Christmas in January) I thought she must not have known about me and H, and I had told him I was only attending if he let his family know he had moved out. I wasn't pretending through another Christmas. And nobody said anything. Nothing. So afterward I touched base just to ask if she knew, and she breezily said "oh I knew it just wouldn't be awkward if we didn't make it awkward." and said she'd love to get together. But a year has gone by and no coffee, no call, no email, no text, so yeah, I'm not feeling that close to her.
Conversely I reached out the same to my H's brother's wife, and got love and hugs and tears and several coffees, and real talk. I feel close to her.
Same with H's cousins who I invited to my Christmas party. So, I'm loosening the ties that were in obligation only, and I'm strengthening the ones where I feel some reciprocal care.
And when I hit a wall and feel like I'm going to explode from smiling and being polite and holding my feelings in, well, then I'll be unavailable for a bit.
Also it is high time H picked up the reins to his own stagecoach. No one is preventing him from facilitating his kids' relationship with his side of the family.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
