Don't Break Character

[job]

Raine,
What your h is experiencing is very typical of a mlcer that is reconciling. He is still growing and trying to feel comfortable in his own skin. It takes about 18 months for them to totally settle down and until he feels comfortable again, you may see displays of anger and self doubt. You've been handling the situation quite well, especially the drive thru scenario.

I know it's difficult not knowing who your h will be on any given day, but your patience will pay off in the end. I do hope that he'll continue to open up and share as he continues to grow up.

I do hope that you are taking care of yourself and that you and your family continue to enjoy the holiday season.

Keep up the good work!

[AJM]

I think that's awesome Raine. He's learning to integrate his emotions as Job mentions. A long bumpy process to be sure, but very happy to hear it!


Peace,
AJ

[Raine]

Thanks sweet friends. It's always so helpful to do a temp check and have that sigh of relief: yup, it's okay. It's normal. It's completely normal in the most abnormal period of my life...so far.

I've been thinking about what Wonka had said ages ago about putting my ring on for New Years, as a new start. I've been looking at it, putting it on, and I'm not going to do it. It just makes me feel sick. It just has too much negativity attached to it right now. I see the different symbols in it, remembering the old stone bridge where he proposed. I see the images of how he proposed, and how every woman when they hear the story just falls to pieces over how romantic it was and every guy is hoping their wife isn't comparing my proposal with theirs. I see how crazy in love he was with me then, how he gave up absolutely everything to be with me. I see promises, love, commitment, and complete adoration. I see the man I trusted with every ounce of me. I see the relationship that everyone wants to have. And then I see it all broken. I see that old love then, and how amazing it was, and how easily it was destroyed. I see the love that I have now, and how absolutely amazing it is right now. But, I look at that ring and know it can all be so easily broken again. The negative feelings with the ring are too overpowering right now.

We were watching a tv show last night. The father was cheating and the daughter walked in on him in the act. I just gasped. It was too much. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and die. And H just grabbed me and held me. And he knows. I know he knows how much this is killing me. I know he knows how hurt I am. I know he knows that I get triggered. I don't say anything, but he can tell. I get triggered by these things and he is the one who comforts. He is the one who holds me and won't let me go. And it's so ironic. It's so ironic that him holding me makes me feel at peace.

He has been talking a lot about last year while separated. Just normal kind of conversation. His roommate did this or that was something he did last year or bought last year. Nothing shocking. Just completely normal conversation, except it's not normal. And it just starts me thinking down the path of everything else that was going on at the same time as all these other innocent things. And I know we need to be able to just talk about it and not have a whole year of our lives be taboo, but it's hard for me. It's funny that I think now he wants to talk about it and feel safe with me that I'm not going to turn on him, and I just want to forget it and not talk about it, like it never happened.

If I didn't look at that ring and see what we had then. If I didn't think we had such a wonderful relationship before. If I hadn't elevated him, my feelings for him, our marriage to such an extraordinary level, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Falling from so high a height hurts so much more. And yet if I didn't have that history with him, if I hadn't built up to that height with him, I don't think I would be here right now. I wouldn't have waited as long as I did. I wouldn't have tried to figure out what was going on. I wouldn't have looked for some other way besides what social norms tell me to do. And I don't think he would have done all he has done to get back home and with me either.

[AJM]

Where's the like button on this thing?


AJ

[2Times2Many]

Hi Raine,

Just checking in on you and am so happy that things are going so well. You have reached a place with your H that so many of us only dream about at this point.

I find the post about your H's anger quite interesting. My H does this too. He will get angry about just the dumbest stuff ... like having to wait at the light at the entrance to our neighborhood because the person ahead of him is turning left and he is going to turn right.

You know, I think they are really quite angry with themselves and the anger has to come out somewhere, so they find ways to release it ... even when it is not really warranted.

Please keep us posted on your sitch. We all need your inspiration and the hope we get from reading your posts. You are truly amazing.

2T2M

[Takevowsserious]

Hey girl

This really struck me:

" I see the images of how he proposed, and how every woman when they hear the story just falls to pieces over how romantic it was and every guy is hoping their wife isn't comparing my proposal with theirs. I see how crazy in love he was with me then, how he gave up absolutely everything to be with me. I see promises, love, commitment, and complete adoration. I see the man I trusted with every ounce of me. I see the relationship that everyone wants to have. And then I see it all broken."

Raine, you know now. You know how valuable and fragile that love is, you know what can be lost.

It may be broken right now, but not forever.

I think it is very good that you are open about your triggers. They are going to happen. Work through them together. You know he loves you, you know he cares.

Hang in there

[uRworthy]

You know, my friend, we all have choices in life. Sometimes, if you work hard enough, if you are open enough, and willing enough, the choices you make can bring about something amazing.

So, your marriage may not have the same feel as it once did. The core, the foundation was rocked. The feelings of abandon regarding the trust you had, the beliefs.

But I think that your new marriage, if you and he make the choice, can be deeper and richer because you make the choice to stay together, to work it through, to take a leap of faith.

And I think then, that the foundation can be stronger than it was before - because it is no longer just based on feelings of love.

It is based on choice. It is based on the fact that you know it can be broken.

Yet, you choose to be together, you choose to want it to work, you choose to accept that love is fragile, but, you are strong enough to hold it gently.

I know you have real feelings about what happened. This isnt an easy road you have chosen. It is a long, difficult one.

But, I think, if you both do the work, it can be something really amazing again.

And that is my great hope for you both. That you see how special it is that you both took the chance and then chose the less taken.

[Raine]

Kind of a big talk last night...

H thinks we are in such a good place. Better than we have ever been. I sense he doesn't want to do anything to ruin that. I told him that I agree, but we are going to have to work through the past. I'm not okay with sweeping it all under the rug. He looked pretty disappointed/upset by that, but said okay. I said I don't know when I need it to happen, but I'm not ready yet and I know you're not ready yet. I said, "I don't think at this point you can even be honest with yourself, because you weren't honest with me about things you had been honest about in the past. I don't want to ever get here again and I feel like ignoring what happened will put us here again." He said that he will never go back there again, ever. He has been there and he doesn't want it.

He talked about the trip we did in October, and how that was a big turning point for him, where he was with me 24 hours a day for a week. He said he was trying to figure out what he wanted. That upset me. I didn't say so, but "ugh" right? Later on I said to him, "When you said that you were trying to figure out what you wanted in October, that upset me..." and he just interrupted and went off. I could tell he was ticked. He was just saying, "See this is why I don't want to talk about things because you want to analyze how I say things and I don't know how I was feeling I'm just trying to describe it..." and I just let him go off on his rant.

And when he was done, I said, "Okay I'm going to finish what I was going to tell you. When you said you were trying to figure out what you wanted, it upset me, because I felt like I was always the one you wanted it. Whenever I started to move away, to take a step away, you would always do something to pull me back." And he got really soft and said "Yeah. You're probably right. You're right. I was trying to figure things out consciously, but subconsciously I always knew. You are the only thing, the only one I've never been able to quit. I've quit everything in my life, except you. And now the only thing I can think about is being with you. All I want to do is get home to be with you and the boys. I don't want to go anywhere, make plans, do anything, without you. I don't want to go hang out with my friends like before unless I can be with you too."

I asked him what happens now when he gets angry at me, and he says he will tell me, where before he didn't. He said that he knows what happened was his fault, for not talking about it. He said that he needed to grow up, and he has. He said he need to nut up and take responsibility. He says he has made a lot of changes and he thinks he is a better person now. I apologized to him for being controlling. He said it was on him for not talking about things.

He said he struggled with the changing family dynamic. He said he is really happy with our family and the boys and everything now. I said that he has a hard time with change. He said yes, which is ironic, because he has changed and left so much from his past and his childhood. He said he is much better about change now and would be okay with more change.

We talked about his parents being here for a month. I told him how aspects of that were difficult for me. I enjoy his parents. I know they enjoy me. I liked seeing that dynamic. I liked him being able to show them what he has done with his life. But, I told him it was draining. I felt like everything was on me. And it was. I planned everything, took care of everything, entertained them. I made changed with things in my life that I wasn't ready to change yet, because I couldn't do it all with his parents here. That there was pretty eye opening to him. I told him that I felt like it wasn't recognized what I did. That it was expected or just unnoticed, which made me feel unappreciated. We kept talking about that trip in October and I said that he could have gone with just his parents and he thought that would have been really hard on me, to have him be away for a week. That was really puzzling to me. I'm thinking, uh, I was on my own for seven months, pregnant, with a newborn. I think what he was saying is that would have been hard on him. I didn't say anything. And I'm glad that trip happened, cause he did get super close to me. He made the first physical move on that trip.

I told him how I had made some moves before that point, that there were small things that had been happening all along. I talked about going down to his room at night to be with him. I told him I had been worried that he didn't want me there, but when he would always make comments about when I left to go back up to the MBR, and that I didn't need to leave, I knew he wanted me there. He said that it meant a lot to him. That he would save certain podcasts to listen to with me, hoping I would listen to them with him, his favorite ones that he would usually listen to right away.

I told him I'm still working on a lot of things. He told me to tell him if I needed him to back off in anyway. I told him I didn't need that.

[T-boned]

Raine,
I am so blown away by your journey. I've just spent the last hour reading your posts and trying to soak in just an ounce of your wisdom. You are truly destined to be indoctrinated as one of the great all-time vets.

I realize you have a lot more work ahead of you but I am so impressed by what you have accomplished so far. Even though the small amount of hope I have for my sitch seems to be dwindling, and H and I have consulted with a mediator (the D process is looming for 2014), having read these posts has given me more inspriration to keep that door slightly ajar. I realize we all here share a common theme, yet, each sitch has it's own details that keeps them unique. And to compare our own experience to your situation is only natural, but there's also that realization that we may not be as 'lucky.' However, through your experience we can find some comfort and hope in that it's possible given we do the hard work. So thank you for that.

And thank you for your brute honesty, your clarity, your strength and determiniation. I can only hope to be as strong and clear in my actions as you. I wish you both all the strength and love you need to overcome this so you can live the rest of your lives together steeped in the greatest of love.

Look forward to following you . . .

Thank you, again!


(BTW, where did you get your inspiration and guidance? This forum? DR? DB? All of the above?)

[nero]

hi raine -

wow- sounds like things are much improved around your home- i'm glad for you.

If I hadn't elevated him, my feelings for him, our marriage to such an extraordinary level, maybe it wouldn't hurt so much. Falling from so high a height hurts so much more. And yet if I didn't have that history with him, if I hadn't built up to that height with him, I don't think I would be here right now. I wouldn't have waited as long as I did.

interesting you saying this- it's how i feel too. It was the best r i knew of- all my friends and everyone we meet (still) (go figure) see us interact and say how nice, blah blah blah.

if they only knew. i am amazed at the things your h says and opens up and apologizes, recognizes, etc.

i've still got no spew- but no words of affection or much of anything in way of commitment, apology (God forbid ) , one small small t hing, a month or so ago - (you will feel good when you hear what a small s tinking crumb i'm existing on) he called, after spending a weekend with ow- i knew and didn't answer phone- we didn't talk for four days (a long time for us to not speak) - and he said "i know i have no right to say this, but I couldn't sleep last night because i was thinking about you and what a "hole" i'd have in my life without you in it".

i was nice about it- said he should always feel free to talk about what he feels and thinks -

it's sooooo paltry isn't it? it's been such a long long awful couple years- when i hear wht your h says and that he even acknowledges it when someone on tv cheats and you flinch- my h thinks (i guess - since he doesn't talk) that it's just find. he watches jerry springer or someone like that- everyone is cheating on everyone else- he hasn't even got the sensitivity to know it's a sore topic- i even say what slimers they are- he doesn't comment-

i know he's got a brain in there- i am not so sure anymore what he's got for a heart tho. i cannot imagine how he can go around daily being nice or pleasant and still pay bills and keep me "on a string" - and not have an ounce of empathy. if i had to guess he's probably thinking it's my choice to still be in his life. so what? no responsibility on his part to acknowledge, reassure, whatever.

it's a mess really- i read your post and think how very nice that your h is "stepping up" and talking and being there and saying he knows now he wants to be with you, etc.

i'd kill to hear something like that. i don't think i ever will. i think i'm losing faith totally- i'm just doing this because of how very good it all was - i can't seem to eradicate my entire adult life of memories with him- i can't seem to get rid of him because i see him as my "family" and like my mother who is usually pretty hard to deal with- they're part of me & my life (that sort of thing).

so- i'm happy for you- so much you said is exactly how i feel-

i have a notion that alllllll (or alot) the things we all do as women - with in laws, with the house, with the family, just alllllllllll the little & big stuff that makes a family run, a house run, a life run, an r run, etc.- GOES UNNOTICED by men. my h, it's stuff they do not do, would never occur to them to do, and so, i guess, just is not part of their world. i do not feel appreciated - almost ever. idk how it got like that- i began thinking this guy loves me for exactly what i am and everything aboutme is okay with him.

fast forward- 38 years later- somehow i feel like nothing about me is okay with anhyone. either i'm awful these days- or , well, idk...

your comments about needing to talk about the past year- and not wanting to talk about it too. it's hard. i'm not exactly sure what i think about that. part of me wants to ask questions, smetimes i do- but then, when i hear it, i want tojust walk away and not know it. lately i do not ask- i assume tho, and i know it's bad also. my imagination is terrible and i make myself unhappy with it.

my brain tells me to let it all go. i have a girlfriend who managed to weed her way thru her h's mlc & ow, etc- on her own without even knowing about mwd. she went on instinct- she says now (they're back together- she didn't leave him tho had gotten a lawyer & movingh truck and was on her way out the door) BUT - INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH. she says she's glad they stayed togethert- she will never ever feel as much in love as she did before it all - and things are fine as long as she does not mention or refer to engtire thing- that her h needs to feel like it never happened - and he is back where they started. can you imagine? but she's letting him have that- and she's willing to just put it all behind her.

amazing storeis out there- people whove "done this" and come out other side. the neighbor's daughter was separated from her h for three years - she got an apartment!!?? - he stayed in the house - he had drinking problem and ow- then somehow they got back together. they're together now - i can tell she worries or wonders now or then- but says it's okay. so wtf?????

i wonder about your ring- why not tuck it away in a pretty box and get a new ring- to go with the new marriage andjust let the old one be a nice momento? or something like that?

i know what you mean about sentimental momentos hurting you. i cna't look at alot of things - my life and houses are full of things from trips- happy moments, etc. toooo much. i can't even wear a ring h gave me back in the beginning- it was a loving gesture- now it's just painful to be remindd.

does it ever go away- who the heck knows- we'll have to comment here in five or ten years.

and this is all from (i think) a more detached perspective and with less gut wrenching-ness than ever before since i found out about his ow and his mlc.

i guess i'm sayin- you sound like you're doing great with alot of this- i think we're alllllll feeling the same things as you- in different degrees and probably will forever carry it around a bit- i'm thinking we can't survive it unless we can come to grips with it and stow it somewhere that doesn't continually rub us. i think with my own sitch- IF IT EVER got normal- i'd have to just STOP thinking about it- acknowledging it happened and certainly (*yeah rite) mentioning it or taking shots about it. idk if that's possible- just what i think now. OH NUTS - THAT'S WHAT THEY MEAN BY JUST STINKING FORGIVE HUH? can we do it? who the hell knows that one??? i am happier when it's out of my mind totally- and when i get talking to someone and "going there" i work myself into a misery state (sort of) and that can't be good either. back to stfu huh? maybe i need to remain calm & don't overthink everythin in the universe.

oh yeah- my h also says i analyze and over think everything too that he says. there's sooo little of it- how could he even notice? i wonder. it is an impediment to communication. i can do that i know. - i'm trying not to. i don't think i am lately because quite frankly- i'm sick of thinking about it, bout me, bout him, my mother- my life- sick of it all. of course, he thinks my life is all about him too - his assumption and ego. he always said i was "taking the temperature" of the r too much. when you live with someone you notice what is going on with them and do try and help - dont you???? if i knew he was unhappy and cheating i'd probably wouldn't even ever have asked what was up with him or was going on that was making him edgy or whatever - i f'ing would have known.... his stupid fault for being a stinking liar! the dope- of course we notice their emotions & wonder - duhhhhhh.

it's hard - but is it possible - allll the way??? does it matter? i'm outta here-

good luck - sounds good on your front- and i'm happy for you.

xxo