Divorce on the table, Hoping for miracle

[FlyOnTheWall]

GS,

I know the holidays have/will be the hardest part to get thru.

You seem like your standing for your marriage, if so the OM thing has to play out. Its almost NEVER what they think it is, but they need to find out for themselves. If you handle it any other way, you'll have your own regrets later.

Detach Detach Detach, the process works, give it time.

[Groov]

NM,

I am feeling at a loss... I dropped the kids off today at W's. She brought up the division of assets again. I am discouraged...

I love her and she is so cold. I really want to have a reltionship talk with her. She has not instigated. I have been seemingly doing everything right.

I don't know what to do. I am getting discouraged. I pray and pray. I show a positive side, I validate... I feel so powerless...

Is there anything I can do here? besides being patient and just being here while she goes forward with a divorce? I have made significant changes... but they seem to be unseen or to late...

OM's W keeps wanting to talk to me. I just ignore her. I want so bad to believe that she is not having an affair. But my gut tells me she is... Why would she be so cold after 12 years and two kids... vent... vent... vent...

Not sure how to stay strong in this.

Groov

[Groov]

Fly,

You and NM must be sensing a weak moment in me... your posts are coming in at a time when needed.

Groov

[FlyOnTheWall]

Many will possibly disagres with me, heck I'm not even sure the advice is that great to be honest.

I've read posts that its helped, and posts that's its hurt in regards to talking with a WAS Spouse. I myself would talk, but only cause I think it would help me move on. Depending on what your hoping to get out of it, is how I would approach the subject. You don't seem ready to move on yet, so maybe it is a bad idea.

You have to be strong right now for the kids. Your the rock in their lives right now. I hope you find the strength to lead yourself out of the darkness, just understand it takes time. Keep journaling here. Once a day once an hour. Whatever it takes.

[willbwell]

groov, nothing we do right now makes a difference to them. their minds are made up. they want out. I am ever so slowly coming to accept this. It is so hard. I'm sorry.
I want so bad to talk with my h too. But, I know in my heart it is only one sided. He is not going to herar anything I say because he does not want to.
Now, that is his deal sadly. I know my positives. I know I am a great mom and will be a catch someday for someone else. Someone who values family and life over work. Would love for h to wake up but no amount of shaking is going to do it right now.

[labug]

Groov, talk if you need to but do it for you and with the understanding if she felt strongly enough about talking to you she would do it.

Just to let you know, my H was very cold to me up until Aug of this year. The temp in the room would drop 20 degrees when he walked in. There was no OW, he just didn't want to be around me. There were many reasons for that, it's hard to know what your W's are and would knowing them change your path?

You might as well be neutral about it, it does no good to speculate and can actually be harmful.

What's your motive for having the talk, what is it you really want to say that hasn't already been said?

[Groov]

What would it profit me to force a R talk? She hasn't wanted to address the issues thus far...

My actions could just be seen as pursuing. Besides in DR you don't ask what you don't want to hear...

As far as Divorce/ Asset division. It's a tough one... What does the community advise? Buck up and just deal with it? Make it as amicable as possible? Ruin the years of hard work?

As far as the phone thing on Christmas... does it just confirm what I already know... That she has something to hide.

If I act and push. Like exposing what I know, getting the church involved. Does this bode well for me for reconciliation. I am not sure... Doing nothing except focus on me and my kids. Is this my test here.

I am standing... for marriage... for the right thing to do... How long will I stand. As long as it takes to have absolutely no questions, no regrets. What else can I do when I want to keep hope alive.

Groov

[paul19510]

I've actually been tempted to talk to my W who has been gone 4 weeks this week. But I haven't. I keep pleasant when we do have contact. I wrote a draft email and just keep revising it. I keep the TO line empty to avoid accidentally sending it. that helps me from 'scratching the itch". Maybe try that....

the only thing I did do was to tell W in a text that my day to day happiness was not her responsibility. I told her, if I handed that over to her, I was wrong. I also mentioned in a phone call recently about finances that I had failed to truly hear her on a number of occasions and was heart-fully sorry to understand that now. She cried and thanked me. Is that pursuit? maybe, but I believe she needed to know that I had come to realize these things.

Talking can take place in so many ways I guess. Tough call

[paul19510]

and keep asking yourself, "how will this help my current situation. ...how could this hurt my current situation?"

[lovethehub]

If I act and push. Like exposing what I know, getting the church involved. Does this bode well for me for reconciliation. I am not sure... Doing nothing except focus on me and my kids. Is this my test here.

I am standing... for marriage...

If you are standing for your M, do not involve the church. It will not help you and you don't want your W back because she felt forced to come back. You want her back because she realizes you are the best man for her and because she values your M and your family.

Did you give her your last resort letter? If so, you have said everything you need to say for now, and as hard as it is, I wouldn't say anything else right now. If you do, follow Bugs advice and don't expect anything in return.

I know this is so hard, M's can be saved but not until the WAS has time to walk their journey. My M was saved and I am grateful every day. I couldn't save it when H was first willing to - I had too much anger and resentment and I thought everything was his fault. It took a long time for me to see my part and to be able to commit to working on our M. It took years for your W to become a WAW, she is not going to see the light and return overnight. Be patient, it is the best advice I have right now.