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[Ambivalent]

I've been struggling with closings,

Regards, respectfully, Thank you, Sincerely, ? Any ideas. I don't want to sound closed?

I am feeling very very sad, and I'm going to cry now. This is happening sooner than I'd thought and I'm very concerned for my livelihood . I know I cannot change anything from the past and I have to push on.

It is still very frightening for me. I have put so much work into where I am now. I hate leaving it behind, and I hate going back into the connecting county. I am frightened about committing myself to a retainer and other costs... I am so depressed over the death of my marriage and what it will cause in damage to my children.

I am so remorseful for any pain that I've caused my husband and my beautiful daughters. I feel like such a failure and am not ready for this emotionally .

I am blessed with one mature daughter and she has been my rock. It isn't fair to her that this is going on. I am such a poor example of a human being right now. I want to be her rock, and I'm a quivering mess.

[mj0221]

Ambi,
I am so sorry to read of the latest updates. I agree with job though. First I would not contact him anymore. There is no reasoning with him right now and also file for support. Since we discussed this on my thread and I'm a little ahead of you by a few months my H did the exact thing only we weren't in debt but I did what you did and kept at him trying to reason with him. I finally stopped and he calmed down and continued paying everything. He did eventually file just recently but he has continued to pay me.

Also about the house, I know how much you really wanted to stay in the house and how infuriating it is what all this has caused. What Job said may be the best thing, bankruptcy. Of course he may have already checked into that. I personally would only contact him to ask about that and keep it short and to the point.

I KNOW how hard it is not to call, email or text when he throws this stuff at you. I remember that group of days. I still have the emails to show for it and it got me nowhere and got him farther away from reality. You can do this.

[Ambivalent]

So I spoke with my mom, she wants to help, but she is eighty four, and assets are not liquid. She doesn't want me to lose the house.

I need to figure out how to keep him paying, and filing will be it. It will terminate my access to the checking account I'm positive. If I can get the mortgage, then I should be able to cut back on utilities and maybe get some help. I have been advised to NOT get a job. I have cut off the heat to save propane, and am using space heaters per room I'm in. Jeez, this is ridiculous.

I've even cut back on the water and sewer to save. Don't ask! I can shower at the gym if I want, and it may be far more cost effective temporarily. Once he gets the notice or whatever, it will get ugly.

I know his ability to bully and he will not be pleased.

This does put me in a precarious state. I am writing things down to remember them and I am trying to focus. Today I have been writing down expenses and figuring out what minimum I need to survive.

Dance is the only thing that is a discretionary expenditure. It is something that truly helps me psychologically. What is so annoying is that as I'm cutting back, he can still play. He has the ability to expense dinners , outings, gas, etc. etc. My whole world has been rearranged and I may soon be displaced.

Wow! Take another bite of the reality apple, Eve!

This is the end, I don't ever see this guy being a friend, nor pal. He will eventually hate me, and resent everything about me.

What I don't get , is that I still have feelings. I don't want his siblings to hate me. I don't want my brothers in law, to think of me as a pariah. Eventually , he will start to say things about me, it is human nature.

I'm so stuck, I feel no matter what I do, there is no positive outcome. I feel so bogged down, and yes I guess that's what he wants me to feel. Because he feels so trapped, he wants me to feel it too!

I need to get to the gym, but I'm finding it very hard to even get in the shower today. It's hard too, because my daughter left yesterday, and I'm back to me alone in the house.

How did I get here? I am so angry at myself, and I'm so so sorry for any pain that I caused this man. If he is anything like his dad, he will never trust his heart to me again. I can only hope that he doesn't get married right away, for that will just put a nail through my heart. It is tough enough as it is.

[job]

Ambivalent,
The way you are living is utterly ridiculous. Turn the heat back on in the house. If you don't keep the heat at a reasonable temperature in all of the rooms you will end up w/mildrew because the windows will sweat, etc. Believe it or not, but space heaters use a lot of electricity in their way. You have to seriously keep an eye on them because they can cause a fire if left unattended, etc. As for the water and sewer, Ambivalent, you are trying to cut expenses, but this isn't the way to go...you are camping out in your home and that is not right.

You are going to have feelings for him for a very long time because you were married for quite some time and yes, you can't turn love off like water coming out of a faucet. In time, you'll find that your feelings may change to those of kind thought for someone like a distant cousin. But, that's a ways down the road.

Now, I want to address your thoughts on kids and boarders. First and foremost, you can't rely totally on having x number of children and boarders. There is no guarantee that you'll be able to get the number you'd like to have in the house. Second, that many in your home will drive you insane because of using your home while you are still in it. Your privacy will be gone and believe me, the first time you have guests over and a boarder comes down stairs in their nighties, that will be it or they make a mess in your kitchen, etc. You have to think about these things because the money may look good, but are you truly willing to give up your privacy for the money? Think long and hard about this before you commit to anything.

Keep the focus on you and don't worry about how he's feeling. Trust me, he's not too worried about you right now...he's more worried about his wallet and how he can untie the anchor weighing him down.

Bottom line, rely on yourself...you can't rely on him to be there for you right now.

[Ambivalent]

I thought because the weather was nice outside, turning the heat off would save the propane. It just made sense to me. I am trying to hoard right now. I'm even afraid to buy the esthetician equipment in case I need the money... I hate debt. I don't feel comfortable with it.

I will be going into debt by getting an attorney. That just terrifies me. This was one of the reasons I couldn't do finances with my husband.

If I wrote a check for 500.00, I would break out in a sweat! At one time when we first bought this home, the monthly payment was close to six thousand! I thought that was unaffordable, but he had no problem with it.

He also handled projections, and commissions so large numbers didn't have the same affect on him as I.

Yes anxiety played a major factor in my marriage, I had a lot of baggage. I also see that my husband has passive aggressive tendencies as well. He was a punisher, so I'm not looking forward to any negotiations. I just want it to go smoothly and let him go.

I hate being referred to as an anchor, it really hurts. I also don't want my youngest hurt by this. The law does not require him to pay her school, nor her expenses. It does require them to pay my support.

I don't want that to interfere with our relationship. I have been as open as I can with her, and I have given her plenty of warning. I want to do the same for my first born, but I don't trust her maturity. She will take sides if he starts complaining to her down the road.

I want her to be safe, but he has enabled her helplessness for such a long time now. I would take her in, but it would be doing the same, and she really is emotionally combative at present.

What a mess I've contributed to all of our lives. I also hate groveling to my eighty something parents. I don't want them stressing, and I don't like being needy or in need. This is soul crushing.

[golf mom]

A, I've only read bits and pieces of your thread, but wanted to offer some advice anyway. Please get a support order in place. My first attorney didn't do it and it was incredibly foolish on my part that I didn't insist on that as the first order of business. Second, check the family code in your state. In mine both parties are entitled to legal representation. The fee can be paid from community funds or by one or both spouses. I wasn't working when my xh left me. I was completely dependent on him and was truly frightened and traumatized. I didn't think I could afford to hire an attorney so I tried to put off legal action as long as possible. Well, four months later when xh received a very large bonus he hired an attorney, filed for D, paid off all the debt in his name, bought a new car and subsequently bought a new house with OW. I did not receive a penny of that bonus and had to borrow money from my parents for attorneys fees.

Believe me when I say your h is not worth your thoughts and compassion right now. You need to get your ducks in a row and quick. The longer your h is gone the less guilty and therefore accommodating he is likely to be. For over a year I prayed for my xh, showed endless kindness and understand (read my early threads and you'll see how delusional I was) and cared for our home and our kids. Xh was living the high life, blowing through money and using his attorney to play legal games with me. The two of them are still trying to break me down.

A, like you, I believed what my xh told me - that he had to leave, it was all my fault, etc., etc. I was so shattered that I believed him. My soul was destroyed. It has taken a long time to get back on the path to wholeness. Please don't let your h gaslight you. His choices are his own and there are serious consequences. The sooner he finds that out the better off you'll be.

Take advantage of the time and space you have been given. Take very good care of yourself. Elevate yourself immediately. You are precious whether your h loves you or not. Focus on you and changes you want to make because they are good for you. I understand how hard it is to take that advice when you are in a constant panic over finances.

A, you will be ok in time. Truly, you will be. Please follow the advice of job and others and get your finances in order including a support order. Without it your h doesn't have to pay you a dime.

[Ambivalent]

I am going to make that tomorrow's first order of the day.

I hear you loud and clear, and come January he could get a commission. Protect, verify, and trust...in that order.

I have had some sort of an epiphany this Epiphany...The response from him was him asserting himself.

We were both passive aggressive, and he is " standing up for himself " I can see it as plain as day. He will be going overboard on this now and possibly in the future, to feel some control in his life. I need to be very much on guard, protect myself at all costs and practice validation.

Time is of the essence, and I have been forewarned...I feel a tremendous pressure to start the process, so I may breathe.

My goals:

Secure attorney

File immediately

Save the house

Call insurance agent

In that order.

Next:

Get back into the gym

STUDY twice a day

Work on one room at a time in the house

Make chicken soup

Find a way to celebrate the New Year.

[Ambivalent]

Thanks Gabby,

Right now I'm doing this in the short term to hoard . My options, being that I have five wee one's depending on me, without any credit is zero to none!

I'm a fighter and if I get a minimum of 4k a month, I CAN do it. The only true obstacle is whether I can take over the mortgage.

Presently , my goal is to develop my own credit. I need to get a job, when my attorney says "go for it". My mother , has excellent credit and is in my corner. My dad, may or may not continue to assist financially, but he is an attorney and has the mind to bounce off of.

Sacrificing in the beginning for a long term goal, YES, it is worth it. My area tends to bounce back, not as fast as the adjoining county, but it does eventually. I can reassess in three years, and again in five.

Two of my long term dogs are geriatric. One is thirteen, the other will be soon. After that I'm down to three. It will be a heart breaking time, for these little men have been part of our family during my daughter's childhoods.

I was advised the courts would not force me to give up these dogs and that would be a consideration in the support as well.

I'm not going to assume anything, but my mom went through a divorce from my father, she may be 84, but she doesn't want the house thrown away either.

I will have some tough years, but other than a house, utilities , transportation, and some food. I don't NEED anything. My youngest daughter doesn't want to see the house go either. If it will appreciate, then everyone wins.

Once I get licensed, and acquire full time employment, then the other possible options of income may be discarded. A boarder or roomie may even be something that will help me mentally at this time too!

I'm trying to focus on my current goals and get ready for some ugly battles. If it turns out that it isn't then lucky me. I know he wants out of the house, and yes marriage. So if I don't stir the pot, and allow his emotions to suck me in, I believe I can do it.

Support is needed from you all, my daughter , my parents, and I'm very careful about who I've shared this with.

I am off my regular facebook account for now, it isn't a place for someone who is going through this. We also have family and mutual friends. I won't go there.

I will continue to DR, regardless of my last lapse. I'm going to look at it as cathartic and also for him. He has anger still, so that is good and bad. Good that he's letting it out, bad that he hasn't let go of it yet.

=================================================================

I'm so happy that I've learned more about passive aggression. It will help me understand behaviors better.

On to attaining the goals for today:

Secure attorney

File immediately

Save the house

Call insurance agent

In that order.

Next:

Get back into the gym

STUDY twice a day

Work on one room at a time in the house

Make chicken soup

Find a way to celebrate the New Year.
_________________________


Thank you all for everything. I would probably be dead by now if it were not for this board and the support. My ribs are healing, my mouth ulcers are too. I have aged these past months, but I'm in the right business for that , right?

I have dropped another few pounds over the last week. Not the healthy way, but I will turn it into an advantage. I'm getting myself to the gym, and make sure I get some protein in me to build some muscle.

I really wish I could meet you guys, for I would love to give you all hugs. And I'm not really a touchy feely person, a mush, but not so much the other. Perhaps one day, when the sun is shining strong, I will.

((((<3))))'s

[golf mom]

A, if your h is willing to give you the house now without a future equity payment get it in writing and notorized. When my xh left he wanted to get rid of the house immediately. At that time there wasn't even enough equity to pay a realtor, but xh was willing to pay the difference just to move on. I landed a good paying job, we took the house off the market and I've been paying the mortgage ever since. There is now considerable equity and xh is fighting for half. Under the law is my state he is entitled to that as frustrating as it is. I sacrificed, he partied, but we are entitled to an equal split. Fortunately there are enough financial offsets that xh won't see a dime.

All of your communication regarding the house, etc. needs to be in writing. Document and keep everything. It may seem insignificant at the time, but you may need it later.

From your goal list you are clearly a survivor. I know this is terribly hard, but you can do this. Keep a vision of the life that you want and work toward that. You can't know how this will all work out, but just know that it will. You will move on and hopefully will have tremendous personal growth from your journey.

[Ambivalent]

Golfmom,

In your state he may be entitled to half, but through the divorce or separation, he may not. Did you look into it that way? For example , if my husband did sign it over and that would be it. For he left in May. Even his salary is all his now. Our assets are still ours, but if either sells them, the other is entitled to half, unless it is to pay for joint assets.

The house, is ours, but the mortgage is his. This will be the thing that is going to be tricky. He can't just turn that over to me. The bank has a say in that. He could sign over his ownership interest. We'll see what happens there.

He wants to be rid of the debt , responsibility. I don't know if my mother will co-sign on this. She may, I just don't know.

I'm not counting on anything.

I did find out today that a friend of mine may move out of her rental cottage. I always loved it. The Landlord did just spend a ton to insulate the place.

It is a bit deeper into the country, but it would be a place I could take my dogs. It has three bedrooms, a huge kitchen, walk in pantry and laundry. I could even bring my frig. It isn't fenced, so I would have to do something about that. I could use the porch as a paddock. I'd rather fence an area though. It has two fireplaces.

If I could lease that, maybe I could lease my place for the mortgage pmt. I could write off the depreciation, and hang on for a bit longer, eventually move back in? I'm trying to get my creative juices going here.

If I could get a military family it would be perfect!

I would be down the road, so I could see how it was being maintained, and I could still use the storage sheds, if need be.

The sheds are old corn cribs from the 1850's. By doing this, I may be able to actually bank some money too! I'm not holding my breath, but it is a thought.

Hmm, I could get interest deduction, and depreciation? Not sure about that , I'll look into it.