Reaching out for support and advice!!

[labug]

Labug, yes, you've reminded me before that I can move on without a D. You always seem to bring me back down from crazyville. I seriously feel like I'm in a nuthouse right now with my H as star of the show.

You're not crazy and neither is your H. He may be different from before but that doesn't make him crazy. He may have something else going on but that's his issue.

You get to decide whether you can live with that or not.

I'm the second act.

Then whatever second act means to you, stop being that.

Can you describe to me what it looks like to move on without D? I know this is such a beginner question, but this my sitch has changed and I'm in unchartered territory. How do I disapprove of his A, while he states with only empty words he'd like to try to work on things, knowing that he will likely continue the A? Do I just deal with it? Stay in our home and laugh/cook supper/go to holidays like everything is fine and I'm all 180ing while he's lying? I don't know how to do that. My DBing so far has taken place without knowing there was an PA, then once found out, his half hearted statements that he'll end it. Actually, she ended it the first time. So I've never moved forward to save my M knowing that the A is there.

What Fly says is true. Your happiness is dependent on you. You get to set your boundaries. Many of us are afraid of that, afraid of saying what we need. Even in what you wrote above it's all about your H, not what you need.

So think about that, what exactly do you need?

I don't know the answer to that but were I in your situation I might say, "H, I can't be in a R with you while you're involved with OW. If and when you end that R, we can talk.

In the meantime, I want a Sep agreement so that bills are paid and we can set up times for you to see the kids regularly."

I want you to understand that none of that is about teaching H a lesson or punishing him. It's protecting you and your kids and the importance of that fine distinction is, it moves you away from being a victim. That's detachment.

You are taking responsibility for YOU, your needs, your words and your actions. You GAL, you 180, you have fun with your kids, you cook whatever you like whenever you like, you do all those things but it's for you.

He might decide he wants to stay married to you, he might not. You might decide you don't want to be married to him, either way you're on your way to having a good life.

It takes courage and faith in the process.