How long does it take for affair symptoms to subside? The crisis is definitely not over. She was talking to her gitlfriend and telling her what happened (she was in the garage so I wsnt supposed to hear). She was talking like some teenager who dumped a boyfriend, not a wife who just had her affair shattered and has a broken family.
I'm going to sit back and see how this goes.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I read a book recently called "how to survive your wifes midlife crisis". It mentionned that in the case of an adultery, it may take a while for your wife to get it out of her system even if she commited to R. At this point I don't think your W did that yet?
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Affair symptoms will subside in 2-3 months assuming she doesn't start another one to keep the rush going.
You need to *slow down*. Your comment that things will change hourly was very troubling, because you cannot let the situation be that dynamic.
Tell your W that you have plans for NYE and stick with them. Slow down.
She needs to go through the stages of grief and loss to get over OM before she gets a clear head and decides what she wants to do. As Sandi so rightly points out, if you let her come back immediately and take it upon yourself to "fix" everything, you'll be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your M.
People value that which they have to work for, and do not value that which is freely given. If she wants to come back, make her pursue your first, she will value you more for it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes accuray you are right. She needs to pursue and it shouldnt and can't just be slipping back in like nothing happened...
What i meant by the hourly thing was that I wasn't prepared for her A to end so abruptly so I really had no idea how to move. I thought it would be the usual committing to me then to him, then lapsing, and yo-yo for months like the stories I've read. But this over, like OVER. Like she hates him. Which is good because he hurt her, which means withdrawl should be easier and quicker and with no temptation to lapse...unless a different OM as you said.
But I'm aware that I shouldn't make things morve hourly.
She took a morning nap this morning after we dropp D3 at school and came home together. She was laying in my bed (our bed) and said that I must be tired too and should also take a nap. We were up late last night because D3 had some difficulties due to a cold she has.
I told her i have to get going to work. Also last night I went to lay in bed and read a book and relax. She came into my room (our room) twice to ask me what I was doing and whether I'm hiding.
While at workcc she mesaged me to tell me she's up. The message was "I'm up :)".
I just got home. She says she has a good idea of something we can do for new years and my birtbday. I told her I kinda had plans with friends. After she saI'd please let me take you out for your birrthday. This isbthe first time she has her own paycheck and wants to spend it on me. So i told her I would go with her if its that important to her. Not sure if that's giving in too easily but she seems to be trying, so I didn't want to be inaccessible. Plus my original plan was just a small gathering with some friends and I'd much rather go out for shopping and dinner and fireworks which is what she has planned.
Is that bad? It seems to soon, but at the same time it will be fun. And we've already been doing random things together anyway, so to insist on not going would be a out of character. Also, there won't be any hank panky because I she knows I won't catch an std just to get some.
We are limited to innocent together time which is actually kind of nice actually. You probably remeber that my sitch involved SSM with her being HD and honestly there was too much pressure to please her. At this time she knows that's impossible so it does allow us to move slowly and so she can't play that trick that they do where they sleep with you one time to make sure you are hooked again, theb resume their games
The phone call I overheard last night was a reminder that she is still a basket case. Shes still talking to her friends like she is a teenager. I know that's standard for people right out of an A so it doesn't surprise me, but it was a reality check that my old W is not back yet, and won't be for a while.
I need to keep her at least slightly entertained until the chemicals are flushed out. There won't be another OM because of her std unless its an emotional A. So keeping her around just enough by throwing her crumbs until it clears.... is that a good approach? Does that make sense?
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I think that it is great that she is making moves back towards you in one capacity or another. It is, without a doubt, representative of opportunity for change in your situation.
One thing, though, makes me kind of uneasy in your situation. Maybe I am behind on everything that has been going on, but it seems a lot like your wife is terrified of being alone. What I DON'T want to see happen to you, SM, is you get woven back in with your wife and in the span of a few months she checks out again.
When I was reconciling with my wife this past spring my psych gave me good advice that I did not take. In a nutshell - if you try to patch things back up without professional help you are almost 100% certain to fail. That ended up being true in my case.
So whereas I see your excitiment (hell, I would be giddy as hell in your shoes) make sure you take the cautious, pragmatic approach. Don't let the urge to make everything "right" again as quickly as possible trump the need to take things slowly and FIRST lay a solid foundation when the time is right -- then build upon it. I did not do that, and I regret it.
Crimson I think that is sound advice. I definitely do not want things the way they were. I mean we had a nice relationship and get along wonderfully and enjoy each other, but she has low self esteem AND a poor, immature under standing of how affairs start..
Basically she has always had 90% guy friends. That was fine when she was happy with me, even enamored by me as she once was. After marriage, a baby, tough econokic times etc.. a guy becomes a crying shoulder and then becomes a soul mate lover in the oan of four days. Thats what happened.
I had asked her many times tbroughout our reltionship to cut back on guy friends and to always make sure other women are present in any social meet up. She always chalked that up to me being middle eastern and not understanding that girls can have guy friends without anything wrong going on.
I also always told her that I was taught by my parents and by our culture to never air your dirty laundry. I always told her that if you keep telling people when we fight, or if we have a small break up (at the beginning) then when we patch it up and forget, others won't ever forget what you told them. I never considered the other reasons why the old wise folks in my family always told me this, but now I understand that a shoulder to cry on can become much more. Best to not cry on anyones shoulder especially a guy.
So there is much that she needs to learn in my opinion. And I say that in a loving way, not that I am better than her. With her naiive understanding of relationships she can easily fall victim to a predator just like she did.
Her best friend (a woman) told her at the start of this, that she feels in love with someone else not because of something I did, but because she failed to GUARD HER HEART from intruders.
The world is full of people, and not everyone is looking out for you. Most are looking out for themselves. And I don't think she truely understands this. She certainly didn't live by it.
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
ok so wife told me that she wants us to stay overnight for new years/my birthday at a beach resort. She wants alone time for just the two of us to 'talk'. She said this not in a bomb drop way, but in a soft loving voice...
So, i think its going to be the talk about how to straighten this mess out.
Thoughts? It will be easy enough to stay away from physical intimacy given the std situation. But what about emotionally? I think I can hold it together but I'm also worried about some of my anger coming out..
How soon does lbs express and let out the anger? Is it too early? Should I keep it light like I'm not sure what I want?
Opinions are welcome and encouraged. Thanks guys and gals!
Me, H-34 now 38 W-32 now 35 T-13 now 18 years M-6 now 9 Daughter 3 years now 7 Bomb 11/27/12 - OM 1 year in house separation Reconciliation 12/2013. Healed now 2017
I think it's a great thing but aren't people expecting you for this party? Can't you start talking now? I think the trip can make for some great bonding but I'm not sure why you feel obliged to do it that night in particular.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
Whenever she starts the talk, listen to what she has to say. Just listen, you don't have to make any comments until she finishes. I really believe you need to be honest and tell her you had to deal with a lot of pain and now you have a lot of anger. Having anger doesn't mean you don't want to work on the M, it just means you are not all giddy that it took a STD to end the A.
You don't have to shoot her down, but get your cards all out on the table while she's willing to talk. It will probably takes many talks b/c this doesn't get settled with one discussion. I hope she is willing to "listen" to you, as well. There is a possibility that she will make a couple of statements and then say she wants the two of you to put it all behind you and not talk about OM/the A/STD/etc. If she should tell you that.......do not accept it. And you can even tell her that it won't be that easy. Neither of you should even think about acting as if none of this happened. However, some WAW's who go back to the LBH try to take a short cut and by-pass the hard talks.
Take the most important issues to discuss first. Save other issues (such as her changing her last name) for another discussion. Maybe tell her up front that everything won't be resolved in one discussion. I doubt you should even try to bring up every sore issue, b/c it will be too much at one time. Think ahead of time about the most urgent things to have a heart to heart that first time.
You know how we tell the LBS not to have expectations? Well, don't be surprised at anything from her. She may be thinking that you would be tickled pink that she's through with OM and she may be act shocked that you express any "conditions" to reconciling the M. Like I said last time......she seems to take you for granted. On the other hand, she may be very repenting and beg for forgiveness. So go into it expecting anything. Just know what you want.
Take your time and don't let her steamroll this situation while you sit there and not say anything. This is the time to make it known to her what you want from her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi SM, You are in a very good place. If you look back at where you were before and compare it to now, you are in the right place. Your feelings are normal. First accept that. It's ok to be angry. The question is how and/or when is it the healthiest to express it.
Continue to practice what you learned here. Give yourself a full day (24hrs) before you bring something up to her. Often times waiting will allow you to distance yourself emotionally from what is bothering you and allow you to really dig deep. Write, journal your feelings, let out your feelings physically with a walk around the block or just movement. Listen to something that relaxes you. Smell scents that calm you (lavender?) Chew gum, helps with the anxiety you feel that comes with the anger.
Tap into all your senses before you express your hurt (masked as anger) over the sitch.
Give yourself reachable goals. When you feel that wave of anger come over you allow yourself to feel it. Give yourself 15 min in the bathroom (or a great time to walk). This allows you not to quickly react on your emotions. Then follow the other suggestions I stated above.
When you've done it all then reflect on what is it exactly that is hurting you. Just an example. Her actions led you to believe you are unlovable. The key word is believe. You may feel a certain way but her actions led you to believe it as truth/fact and it's difficult for you to erase fact in your brain. What can she do to help you believe you are lovable. How (5LLs) can she express her love to you? This may be jumping the gun because she might not be ready for this but I put it out there so you can see that you need to dig deep.
Have you read the book, After the Affair? It's helped me out. H reads it and now that he's 6mos sober (from the affair) he can clearly see his fault and how selfish he was being.
I hope you can enjoy your getaway. If you're ready for it go for it. If you're not, don't worry, if God wants it, there will be more opportunities.
This is another opportunity to practice patience. You sound very impatient ;-)
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
