Finding nuggets of gold on this Great Big Hill

[Pudmuddle]

I need to start a new thread, but want to finish with the events of last night.

bright, busting, job, dragon, heather and ttd thanks for the support and saying I had courage. 2l, I'm sorry you are feeling so bitter but I also completely understand that feeling. It's hard to continue to live with someone in selfish mode.

Fy, I'm not really sure. This is so unfamiliar to me and a place I never even thought I would have to deal with, as I know most of us are that way. He did say he didn't have to move out and he is not going to at this point. I don't know how you get someone to move out when they own the house too.

From last night:

what a crazy night, but I asked for it I guess, lol. After mr spew man came out of my h we had it out. Not good, but probably needed. Then after that I stfu and went upstairs to cool down. Later I came down and said 'so where do we go from here' He mentioned the D stuff again where I said I can't do any of that until we are on a level of friendship and you are not treating me like a friend at all, in my own home. He said he wanted a d and he was done, yet again, and I said well I don't buy that and I don't think you are done yet. We talked about how he stuffs his feelings down and never lets me know when he has been hurt, only until years later do I find out. He would say he had forgiven me and then in the same breath said he could not forgive me. I said if you've forgiven me then why do you bring something up I did years later and say you haven't forgiven me. How am I supposed to read your mind and know what you mean. I said I didn't want to part with him as an angry and bitter person on either of our parts, that the last 30 years with him, I could not just drop him like a hot potato. I said if we can both say we have honestly tried and THEN we are at this same point, then I would be ok, knowing we had both really tried hard to make things work.

I said to him if you are still angry and bitter with me about things I have done then you have not let it go. He kept saying he had let it go. I said you have stuffed it down once again. If you had truly let it go there would not be this anger and bitterness in your heart. I asked him why everything I did was always thrown in my face, as if I was perfect and couldn't possibly make a mistake. Haven't you made mistakes? there was lots more of hashing things out but I left him saying I want you to know I cannot simply give up on people who have made mistakes, and I know that the wonderful happy man I married is in there somewhere. I cannot give up on you like people have in my life, I will not do that. This is not black and white. I will always be your cheerleader, the one who is rooting you on.

I also told him if he wanted to stay here then he needed to treat me with more respect and friendly like. I told him that way he has been behaving has now carried over to our S and our S is seeing me as the bad guy. He asked specifically what things, and I told him. He said Wow, I have been doing that and I'm sorry, I will try to be more aware of that. I have not told him anything bad about you. I told him he was also not setting a good example for our S of how to act in a marriage. He said he knows he is NOT a good example. He did apologize for many things, as did I. He seemed to be calmer by the end of it. So I think at this point, I am exhausted of it all. I will need to sleep on it and see what this all means to me.

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So as you can see, I am still in a pleading way with him and cannot seem to fully detach yet. He is willing to talk with S and both of them show me more respect in the house. I've never felt so lonely in my life, when my own family has disowned me and thinks I am the bad guy. I truly don't understand all of this. I don't know how to act when people feel everything is happening because of me, and I don't feel I have done anything to deserve this kind of treatment. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself. I need to do a lot of contemplating today and remember to love myself. Choose Joy, today is a new day.